Chuck Norris facts

Chuck Norris Fact #1: The only thing older than Chuck Norris Facts is Chuck Norris.

These “Chuck Norris Facts” were funny the first time I used the internet, but now they piss me off, especially when people sub out the name with people like Mr. T and Vin Diesel. Mr. T is washed up, and Vin Diesel is a fucking nerd, and not in a good way. No, seriously. He plays Dungeons and Dragons and World of Warcraft. Yeah, he’s fucking hardcore alright. I’d better watch myself, or he’ll cast Level 216 Lightning Bolt on me.

Chuck Norris is a pussy. Everyone thinks he’s some kind of invincible kung fu master, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The only reason Chuck Norris is even remotely skilled as a martial artist is because he was trained by Bruce Lee, who was the greatest martial artist to ever live. Here are some real facts about Bruce Lee:

  • Lee’s striking speed from three feet with his hands down by his side reached five hundredths of a second. That means if you were dumb enough to get in his face, your nose would be busted before you could even blink.
  • Lee’s combat movements were at times too fast to be captured on film at 24 frames per second, so many scenes were shot in 32frame/s to put Lee in slow motion. Normally martial arts films are sped up. Simply put, he’d kick your pansy ass in less than five seconds, and people watching wouldn’t even know what the fuck just happened.
  • In a speed demonstration, Lee could snatch a dime off a person’s open palm before they could close it, and leave a penny behind. He could take your wallet and replace it with picture of him fucking your wife and you wouldn’t even know it until he asked you for $5. Go ahead and tell Bruce Lee no. You wouldn’t dare.
  • Lee would hold an elevated v-sit position for 30 minutes or longer. In other words, he could hold his own body weight up for more than half an hour just with his hands.
  • Lee could throw grains of rice up into the air and then catch them in mid-flight using chopsticks. He was awesome and he fucking knew it.
  • Lee could thrust his fingers through unopened cans of Coca-Cola. (This was when soft drinks cans were made of steel much thicker than today’s aluminum cans). Look at your soda can. You’re probably too afraid of cutting up your fingers, right pussy?
  • Lee performed one-hand push-ups using only the thumb and index finger. This is when he does that gay thing where you make the shape of an L with your fingers. Only, when he does it, you don’t call him a fag, you drink half a bottle of Nyquil and cry yourself to sleep like the wimp you are. Your dream consists of you reliving the moment, because even in your dreams you’ll never be as awesome as Bruce Lee.
  • Lee performed 50 reps of one-arm chin-ups. You probably can’t even do 10, and that’s with cheating by using your other arm for support.
  • Lee could break wooden boards 6 inches (15 cm) thick. You’re crying now.
  • Lee could cause a 300-lb (136 kg) bag to fly towards and thump the ceiling with a side kick. Damn, now I’ve got this awesome mental image of him sending my ex-girlfriend through the ceiling.
  • Lee performed a side kick while training with James Coburn and broke a 150-lb (68 kg) punching bag. He then made Coburn compensate the gym for their loss.
  • In a move that has been dubbed “Dragon Flag”, Lee could perform leg lifts with only his shoulder blades resting on the edge of a bench and suspend his legs and torso perfectly horizontal midair. Holy fucking shit:

Chuck Norris couldn’t even imagine himself doing half of that shit.

Why am I even bothering to write about a washed-up has-been like Chuck Norris? Well, this is why. While I totally think it’s time to say “Fuck you” to the Federal government, does this guy really believe he could run a state? Yeah, I know it was an off-handed remark, but look at his fan base. All he’d need is a shitload of people to say “OMG CHUCK IS AWESOME YOU SHOULD ROUNDHOUSE KICK THE PRESIDENCY OF TEXAS LOL!!!!!!” and it would go to his head. Then Texas would become a Christian theocracy with a drunk redneck for president. Kind of like the US when Bush was president, but more overt.

Chuck Norris Fact #2: There is no theory of evolution, just Chuck Norris preaching Christian fundamentalism.

After pretty much every unfunny faggot on the internet thought they were the first person to email Chuck about the Chuck Norris Facts, Chuck decided to acknowledge them, saying he found some of them funny. He referenced one in particular, “There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.” His response:

“It’s funny. It’s cute. But here’s what I really think about the theory of evolution: it’s not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.

By the way, without Him, I don’t have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things — and so can you.”

Way to be a complete and utter pussy. “LOL UR FUNNY GUIZ BUT ITZ AKSHUALLY GOD WHO DOES THIS STUFF! CONVERT TO JESUS!!!!!”

Chuck Norris Fact #3: The only thing harder than Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kick is how hard he hits the ground when he tries that shit on Bruce Lee.

Ouch.

Chuck Norris Fact #4: Chuck Norris is currently suing Penguin USA, claiming “trademark infringement, unjust enrichment and privacy rights.”

Wat.

The best part:

“Norris, who rose to fame in the 1970s and 1980s as the star of such films as ‘The Delta Force’ and ‘Missing in Action,’ says the book’s title would mislead readers into thinking the facts were true.”

Way to insult your fans. As if anyone’s going to crack open this book and go “Oh my god, you mean Chuck Norris was able to defy basic logic and mathematics by counting to infinity?! TWICE?! AND he has a third fist behind his beard? Holy shit, I never knew that was possible!”

Chuck Norris is a faggot and so are the people who seriously think he’s cool.