Worthless techniques for managing your anger

Again my volatile temper has caused me to destroy another one of my possessions. This time, it was my clock that felt my wrath:

The clock had somehow reset itself, despite also having batteries to keep it going when unplugged. This also meant that the color-changing display screen was back to its default setting of changing from green to blue to purple to red to orange to yellow to pissing me the fuck off. Seriously, what a fucking stupid feature for a clock to have. I’d never pay money for such a thing, which is why this was a Christmas gift several years ago. For some reason I couldn’t get the clock to stay on green like it did before it shit itself. In anger, I brought my fist down on the top of the clock, busting it open. The clock still tells time, but the speaker probably doesn’t work anymore. Oh well, not like I used it anyway.

While I can simply go out and get another clock, it’s really not a good thing for me to hit things in anger. Since you can find anything on the internet (and I mean anything), I figured I’d look up some ways to control my anger.

The results only made me angrier. Most of the methods described are either impractical in most situations, or just straight up useless. Here’s the first result of a Google search for “Ways to control anger”. Each of them is just utter bullshit, and here’s why.

1. “Take a deep and continuous breath. Count up to 50 or imagine your aggressor just naked, only in socks. This will help you to calm and smile.”

Imagine my aggressor naked, only in socks? How am I supposed to do that with a fucking clock? If my aggressor was human, odds are it’s going to be a male or some ugly bitch with an attitude. I’m trying to calm down, not induce vomiting. Even if by some freak chance it was a hot woman, now I’m standing there with a huge fucking boner. How exactly is that going to help me calm down and smile? If anything it’s going to get me brought up on some kind of sexual harrassment charge.

2. “Have a walk. Look at high sky. Continue to breathe deep and easily. So you appraise the situation and calm down.”

Great, except if I’m at work, I can’t just say to my boss “Hey, I’m angry right now so I’m going for a walk. Be back in a few!” The author of this clearly has no idea how the real world works.

3. “Do some physical exercises. When you are angry- your body is very tensed and tough. If you stretch your muscles it will relax your body, as you will spill out all your negative energy into action. Your brains will get more oxygen and it assists to clear your thoughts.”

Again, impractical for someone at work. I can’t even so much as sweep the floor without dumb ass motherfuckers feeling compelled to walk into the spot I’m sweeping, so there’s no way in hell I’ll be able to stop and exercise. Even then, my boss would probably wonder why I wasn’t working and would probably yell at me. I’m beginning to question whether or not the author has ever held a job.

4. ” Write down all your thoughts. Write down that you are mad and why. Avoid being rational, logical or laconic. Write on paper all you are feeling this moment. Try to write all in details. The function of this technique is to shift all your anger out of your head on paper.”

I used to do this back in high school, until I ended up being interrogated by the Secret Service over it because society has placed a stigma upon negative emotions. Some dumb ass finds what I’ve wrote in a moment of anger and next thing you know law enforcement is at my door over my supposedly “threatening” words. Everyone is supposed to think happy thoughts all of the time because having moments of anger and hatred towards people means you’re crazy and that you could be an assassin, mass murderer, or a terrorist. If I seriously wanted to kill somebody who pissed me off, I wouldn’t be writing about how I wished I could do it, I’d be doing it.

5. “Be grateful. Find someone to thank. Do you not forget about yourself. Thank that you have woken up today, thank that that the Sun is shining for you, that the sky is blue and the grass is green.”

I’ll overlook the “Do you not forget about yourself” Engrish bullshit, and instead comment on how fucking stupid it would be to assume that the sun is shining just for me. While my views on existence are pretty solipsistic, that shit’s not going to make me feel any better. Besides, the sky is rarely blue anymore, and it always seems to be raining or snowing around here. Fucking pollution. Fucking Al Gore. I hate that asshole.

See? Doesn’t work.

6. “Prayer. Ask God to be with you during this anger moment and lead you.”

Yeah, I’m going to ask the guy whose violent outbursts are responsible for some of the greatest atrocities and largest genocides this world has ever seen for help controlling my anger. Makes perfect sense. God’s an asshole, and so is the person that wrote this shit guide.

7. “Meditation. Close your eyes, look into solar plexus, and be all your anger, breathing deeply.”

Be all my anger? What the fuck does that even mean? If that was a typo, I have no fucking idea what this person was attempting to say. And meditation doesn’t work when the source of your anger is standing right in front of you yelling at you. Fortunately, a knuckle sandwich works like a charm.

8. “Change of places. Move yourself on your enemy’s place. And look at situation from his point of view. Better look at the situation from the ceiling. Focus on details, especially on funny and absurd ones. Strive to forgive your enemy as well as forgive truly yourself.”

“Hmm, maybe I am a faggot because I don’t go out to bars and fuck three whores a night. And you know what, ‘accumulate’ is a pretty big word, so maybe that douchebag I know isn’t a fucking idiot with a 1st grade literacy level.”

Nah, he’s still a fucking moron who thinks with his dick.

9. “Go back to your childhood memories. Recollect state when you were angry. Hug this child and say: ‘All is ok. I am here. You are good child. I love you and I will not leave you.'”

I’m starting to think the unnamed author is a Chinese person using Babelfish to translate their articles from Mandarin to English.

My childhood memories consist of being tormented for being smarter than everyone else, having authority figures breathing down my neck for no fucking reason, and a really scary dream from when I was 2 years old that involved a picture of some Disney characters hovering in the sky outside my bedroom window. This idea will surely make me feel better, just like it will for victims of child molestation.

10. “Your values. What is the most significant thing in your life? Who are the most important people in your life? What kind of person do you want to be? Think and accept that point that you are living your life, and you are living your values. There is a good man inside you that wants to help you. I wish you good luck!”

Considering my values largely revolve around living my life the way I want to live it with little to no regard for those around me, this doesn’t seem like such a great idea. AND LEARN TO WRITE IN PROPER FUCKING ENGLISH YOU STUPID DUMBSHIT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKER!

Well now I’m even angrier. Good job, asshole.

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