Gun control

America has a problem.

It seems like you can’t turn on the news anymore without seeing that some pussy ass faggot snapped and shot up a bunch of innocent people. When the news isn’t busy glamourizing the shooter by slamming their mug in your face and rereading their bullshit manifestos, they’re showing the reactions of some of the biggest idiots that they can find. From politicians to the average person, the most common reaction involves the discussion of gun control. “This wouldn’t have happened if we had tighter gun laws!”, cries the voice from the left. “Bullshit!”, replies the voice on the right. “This maniac would have been stopped if everyone was armed!” “But loose gun laws made it easy for him to access a gun!”, whines the voice on the left. “If you take away guns from law abiding citzens then only criminals will have them!”, screams the voice on the right.

Both of you, shut the fuck up. Professor AJ is here to take you all to school, and end the gun control debate once and for all. We have a left nut and a right nut, so I guess this makes me the dick in the middle.

First, we need to stop sucking the Founding Fathers’ dicks like they were some kind of all-knowing infallable messiahs sent by God himself to enlighten all of mankind, and stop acting like the Constitution is the most perfectly conceived and written piece of literature in the history of man (that honor is of course reserved for “The Time Machine”). The Constitution was written in the late 1700’s. Way before any aspects of modern society were even conceived. If you had went up to any of the founding fathers and told them of things like the internet, drone strikes, automobiles, fighter jets, assault rifles, TV, smart phones, 4chan, or pretty much anything we take for granted today, they would have seen you committed to an asylum for the rest of your days. That’s granted you were even able to get them to listen to you for more than 30 seconds. They were, for the most part, a pompous lot. Don’t let all that noble “Father, I cannot tell a lie” shit you learned in grade school fool you. These guys were the wealthy people of their time. They were pretty much the Colonies’ version of the 1% in their time. They had the money and clout necessary to instigate a revolution. They weren’t anywhere near Joe Schmoe, except when they needed to convince him to join them in fighting against the British.

I wasn’t there, but I can say with about 95% certainty that the American Revolution wasn’t fought because these rich people gave a shit about Joe Schmoe’s freedom from British rule. Most likely, the British started trying to tax their money/take their land. I’m not going to waste time breaking down what each of these people did and why they had money/land, but if you care enough to research this you’ll see. The whole “We fight for the freedom and liberty of the people” thing was a load of shit they used to garner support amongst the people. The poor and stupid are always sent to die for the rich and smart, it’s that simple. They got the people all riled up with talk of freedom and liberty, and seduced them to go lay their lives on the line so we could spank the shit out of those pasty-skinned tea-sipping faggot Britishers (who by all means were a bunch of cocky fucking idiots; Wearing bright red uniforms? Banging on drums so the enemy knew they were coming? For fuck’s sake, they were just asking for it). If the Founding Fathers had truly given two fucks about the liberty of the common man, slavery and would have ended before the 1800’s, and women would have been able to vote around the same time. Might makes right, history is written by the victors, etc. There’s no way we’d learn anything negative about our Founding Fathers. They did the same shit that society’s elite do now. Secret societies, belittling the commoners, orgies of debauchery, crazy Masonic rituals, all that fun Bohemian Grove shit.

Why is this relevant to my argument about gun control? Because it shows that the Founding Fathers were mortal men with an agenda, just like every leader in history. Like mortal men, they were capable of making mistakes. And really, who would have had the foresight back then to predict today’s society? The Constitution was not written with any aspect of our society in mind. It was not written with the idea that some 18 year old with mental illness might decide it’s a good idea to grab an automatic rifle and go wild west on his classmates. It wasn’t written with the idea that some middle-aged loony would go on the internet, get schematics for IEDs, and blow up a building full of 9-5 workers because he was pissed at the president. It wasn’t written with the idea that the military had remotely-controlled aircraft capable of carrying out precise missile strikes on people holed up in a compound. It wasn’t written with the idea that a group of crazy Hadjis hiding in a cave 4,000 miles away on the other side of the world would be sending sleeper agents to our country to murder innocent civilians over religion, using tactics like hijacking an aircraft and turning it into a missile, or blowing themselves up in a crowded venue. It wasn’t written with the idea of nukes, chemical or biological weapons in mind. It wasn’t written with the idea of a global media network that glamorized and obsessed over psychotic murderers and their terrible crimes. If the Founding Fathers had thought of any of this, I guarantee you the Constitution would have been much more restrictive than it is. It was written during a time where people weren’t total psychotic cunts, and could be trusted to be at least somewhat responsible with the use of weapons. The idea that a child would turn a gun on his classmates? Inconceivable. People had a different mindset. There was no sense of entitlement. If you wanted something then you had to earn it, be it respect, money, work, whatever. You didn’t have the government, mental disorders, welfare, SSI, or anything else to fall back on if you failed. If you failed, you failed. Have fun living in a gutter, dipshit.

The biggest reason we’re in the shithole we’re in today is because we gave rights to people who weren’t ready to have them. The right to influence the lives of others isn’t something that everyone should just be entitled to. Why should some ignorant piece of shit high school dropout living in a ghetto have the right to influence the laws that govern me? We freed the slaves, then dumped them unprepared into a world that was still hostile to them. Same with women, really, and any other group that was given the right to vote or carry out actions that affect the lives of others. These are people who should have been educated, brought up to an equal level, before they were allowed to do things like vote or enlist. Racial and gender inequality would have been done and dealt with in a highly effective manner much earlier on if we had vested a little time in the past to educating these groups before giving them their rights. If you give someone a tool they don’t know how to use, chances are good that they’ll just misuse it and ruin shit for everyone else. Then when you get mad at them for misusing it, they’re going to get mad at you because they don’t understand how they’re misusing the tool when you never properly explained to them how to use it in the first place. It’s like giving a toddler a hammer, telling him it’s used for pounding on things, then getting mad at the toddler because he took the hammer and started pounding on walls and other fragile things. Your fault for not teaching the kid how to properly use the tool, dickhead.

And that is why we now have an entitlement culture. That entitlement culture is a contributor to gun violence today. Everyone thinks they’re entitled to have their every desire fulfilled with little to no effort put in, because “MUH FREEDUMZ” and “MUH LIBERTIES” and “MUH MURICAN DREEM”. And when they can’t get what they want? They turn to that most basic of primal human responses, violence. What easier way to deal with someone who wronged you than to point a hunk of metal at them and end their life with the twitch of a finger? Tired of being some insignificant speck? Grab a semi-automatic rifle and injure/kill people in bulk, then your name and actions will be remembered for years to come. Negative attention is still attention, and that’s what everything boils down to here. These mass shooters are really just a bunch of faggots begging for someone to notice them.

So like I said, the Founding Fathers had none of this shit in mind when they decided that the people should be allowed to privately own guns. It wasn’t like there was the risk of someone’s son deciding that he wasn’t receiving enough respect and grabbing a musket or pistol and blasting his classroom up. The people owning guns was an effective deterrent against the British Army deciding to reclaim their colonies, or a foreign army deciding to march in and take over. The armies of that time weren’t armed with anything much better, save for cannons. It wasn’t like a group of Minutemen could be picked off by an elite commando unit from a mile away, or be targeted by some guy on the other side of the country using satellites and precise drone strikes. The whole idea of the people suddenly deciding that they weren’t happy with their government and overthrowing it again using the weapons they were legally allowed to own? More like it allowed for the same kind of people as the Founding Fathers to decide that they knew what was best for people they really couldn’t relate to and convince them yet again to fight for the interests of the rich and smart. There have always been three types of people in this world: Those who give the orders, those who follow the orders, and those who refuse to follow the orders. Those who refuse are either outnumbered and killed by those who follow the orders, or they use their intelligence to rise to a position where they give the orders. Those who give the orders are usually harboring some ulterior motive that doesn’t really give a fuck about those who follow the orders so long as they’re kept complacent. Those who follow the orders either spend the rest of their lives following the orders, or they follow enough orders to give a few orders that aren’t really their own.

My point is, the average person can’t be trusted anymore with the rights that the Constitution grants them. Gun ownership isn’t for everyone. The whole thing about guns being a safeguard against the governmental oppressor? Obsolete, when the government has drones, elite commandos, tanks, satellite surveillance, the CIA, etc. If the people were to go head-to-head with the government today, it would either be a bloodbath against the people, or we’d just be replacing one dictatorship with another. We’ve had ample reason to do it already, but we haven’t. Fuck you, that ship has sailed. We gave them time to win the arms race against the people, and they did. Owning guns to counter against the government? Pointless in today’s society. Our only saving grace here is that anyone can join the military, and you might find many soldiers who would refuse to fire on/bomb their own people. They can join us in fighting the foreign troops/mercs who would be used in such a scenario to reign in the people.

That said, there is a legit purpose (aside from hunting of course) for owning a gun: Home defense. Not against jackbooted-thugs (Infowarrior slang for SWAT/the police), but against actual thugs like home invaders, rapists, etc. Yeah, you’re running the risk of them being better armed and getting the upper hand, but it’s better than having to wait for the ordeal to be over, waiting for the cops to show, having them fill out a report, then say “We’ll look into it, but don’t expect results because we’re underfunded, overworked, other bullshit excuses, wah wah wah.”

The only problem with this is, the people who live in your home might be deadlier than the people looking to break into it. You might be of sound mind, but what about Little Jimmy? Little Jimmy’s been getting fucked with at school, and Little Jimmy’s getting tired of it. Little Jimmy might exact his revenge by grabbing your gun and calling it high noon in the classroom.

There’s no simple solution to any of this. We can’t take away civilian guns, and we can’t just let everyone own one. Here’s my suggestion.

We need cops who are better trained to recognize and handle mental disorders. Part of the academy should be Psychological Profiling 101. Yes, people will still slip by, it happens. But it will be much less than what we have now. They also need to be taught how to recognize a non-threat without turning it into a month-long ordeal for the person. False reporting is used as a bullying tactic in its own right. Catch the threat, get them help, whatever you need to do to ensure they don’t go postal.

A detailed psych eval should be required for gun ownership, not just for you, but for everyone living in your residence. The people doing the eval need to be taught the difference between “He’s prone to bouts of depression” and “He’s going to snap and take daddy’s gun and re-enact Columbine for his senior prank.” Otherwise, you’ll end up with extremely restrictive ownership laws to the point where anyone can be denied a gun for practically no reason. Also, you can have permits without a registry. If you don’t know why a registry is a bad idea, watch the movie “Red Dawn” (the original, not the remake). There’s a scene about 13 minutes in where an enemy commander tells his troops to find a bunch of ATF forms detailing the names and residences of people who own guns.

But most importantly, a shift in the typical human mindset needs to happen. This sense of entitlement needs to go away, and the idea of working to get what we want needs to be restored. It can be done, but it involves going up against rich and smart people whose interests require the human mindset to be set where it currently is. Unlikely, but not impossible.

The tl;dr version:

The Founding Fathers didn’t envision people being this crazy or the military having such advanced weaponry. Gun ownership isn’t for everyone, but a free society still needs to be allowed to own guns as a crime deterrent. There should be better, more effective regulations for owning a gun, but not too restrictive to where we’re denying almost everyone who applies. Cops need to know how to spot actual threats without wasting time on fake bullshit calls against people who are just different and not really a threat. Everyone in the household should be properly evaluated before one person can own a gun.

We need guns, but not everyone should be entitled to them.

Where I’ve been

Some of you thought I was dead, most likely murdered by the Cartel or one of the many other groups of people I’ve insulted over the years. Some of you may have thought I got a girlfriend. Others probably thought I found Jesus. Those of you who aren’t total fucking idiots probably thought that I had simply gave up on this site, that my premature deletion of this site last year was a mistake from which I could never recover.

You were all wrong. Come on, as if the Cartel’s gonna kill me. Bitch please, those fucking faggots aren’t dumb enough to try to take me on. I’ve read like every Punisher comic book ever, that’s just as good as being trained to kill criminals. I’d chug a 2-liter of Dr. Pepper, then run outside like Scarface and mow down 216 of them without breaking a sweat. I would do it on a Monday, so I could randomly say “Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays!” before I shot them. Like I give a fuck, bitch.

Those of you who said I wouldn’t come back, that I couldn’t come back, fuck you. There’s a reason my logo is the phoenix, asshole.

The truth is, a lot of shit happened during the past year. And like all good stories it started with alcohol.

The night was July 14, the occasion was the celebration of my latest article, the one about Minecraft. Yeah, I throw release parties for all of my articles. Ever see that movie “Project X”? That’s some pussy shit. I throw real fucking bangers, the kind that even Charlie Sheen is afraid to attend even though I still invite him every time out of professional courtesy. The cops are always called out, because I invite them. It’s not as if they’ve got anything to do that night, since like the entire city is at all of my parties. Except the mayor, he can choke on a bag of chlamydia-infected dicks. My parties usually end with the mayor being a butt-hurt little bitch and calling the National Guard in to “restore order” (TRANSLATION: Kill our buzz). That’s right, every time I release a new article the city shuts down for a night and martial law ends up being declared. You don’t hear about it though, because the mayor doesn’t want the world to know what a total puss-bag he is.

Anyway, the plan was for me to get fucked up. Super fucked-up. I’m talking more fucked up than I’ve ever gotten. Ever. On a scale of 1 to 10, my level of fucked-up-ness was going to be “That 500 lb blonde paraplegic over there looks like Scarlett Johannsen, I’m hittin’ it.” If I didn’t end up puking on some fat crippled chick in the middle of fucking her, my night would be considered a failure. I bought myself three cases of Yuengling Lager, 12 2-liters of Dr. Pepper, and 6 bar-sized bottles each of Yukon Jack, Fireball, and Jack Daniels. These three drinks form the Unholy Trinity of Whiskey, and should never, ever, EVER, be mixed.

Fuck that noise, I was going to mix them.

So after drinking all the beer and Dr. Pepper in under an hour, I decided it was time to do it. “Don’t do it, AJ!”, some hot chick screamed. “Don’t tempt fate!” Silly girl, I wasn’t going to tempt fate, I was going to give it the one-finger salute directly to the face! And so I took the Unholy Trinity of Whiskey and forged from their power a new elixir, The Abomination of Desolation. The entire city of Philadelphia, save for the candy-ass mayor, assembled in the Linc (our football field, you dildo) to watch me down this concoction that the deities of old once drank to attain their immortality. How did I fit a population of over 1,500,000 million into a stadium meant to hold only a maximum capacity of 68,532? I stuck them up your mother’s cunt, that’s how.

I mixed the concoction, and raised my glass to the sky. Lightning danced and thunder rolled across the sky. As I pounded down the drink, the entire stadium chanted “CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!” I finished the drink, raised the empty glass to the crowd, and let out a mighty belch. The last thing I heard was copious cheering.

The next thing I knew, I awoke to the sound of a man screaming fiercly in Chinese.

As the room around me faded into view, I saw that I was in either the world’s filthiest basement or some sort of prison. Rotten Tom’s basement is pretty fucking filthy, so there was a good chance that maybe my night ended at his place, as many of my nights involving partying tend to do (no homo- okay, maybe just a little). But then why was there some asshole screaming at me in Chinese? I had a fucking hangover, this asshole needed to shut the fuck up. And so I politely told him, “Hey retard, shut the fuck up. I’ve got a hangover, don’t be a faggot.” My demand was met with a swift blow to the face with the butt of a rifle, followed by more screaming in Chinese. Oh hell no, it’s on now motherfucker.

I tucked and rolled, putting just enough distance between me and my aggressor to get a good look at him. A Chinese man in his early 20’s, wearing a camoflauge uniform bearing a patch with the PLA emblem (China’s military, goddamn read Wikipedia bro). Holy. Fucking. Shit. It finally fucking happened. The crazy yellow bastards finally did it. Red Dawn had come. I called that shit! And now, these bastards had me held captive in Rotten Tom’s basement.

Unfortunately for these Ching Chang Chong Commie bastards, I had been preparing for this scenario since before I was born, because I am a real American just like Hulk Hogan. Remembering my anti-Red Dawn training, I immediately engaged my captor with an Atomic Leg Drop, just like my hero Hulk Hogan. Overwhelmed by my American wrestling move, the Chinese soldier fell unconscious to the floor. I grabbed his rifle (some cheap Ruskie piece of shit, probably a Kalashnikov) and prepared to take back my country from the red and yellow menace.

As I burst out of the door, I was greeted by several more Chinese soldiers. “KNEE-HOW BITCHES!”, I screamed as I massacred them. Turns out I wasn’t in Rotten Tom’s basement after all, as the hallway I had entered was actually clean and not littered with beer cans, pizza boxes, and the broken dreams of retired neighborhood hooligans. As I dashed down the hallway, Bonnie Tyler’s “Holding Out for a Hero” played in my head. More Chinese troops came pouring from various rooms. “WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD MEN GONE, AND WHERE ARE ALL THE GODS?”, I shouted, mowing down the onslaught with my inexplicably accurate hipfire. Voices screamed in Chinese, their displeasure evident. These rookies may have had their way with the average American idiot, but they hadn’t gone up against a true warrior like me. The tide was turning in favor of the Stars and Stripes. I was America’s one-man liberation force, restoring freedom to my fellow countrymen and women. I was Frank motherfucking Castle.

Finally, I made it to what appeared to be the exit. I shot the lone guard in the dick (going against everything South Park taught me). “Ooh, right in the Mao Tse Dong!” I quipped, feeling kind of like Duke Nukem. As I kicked the door open and took in the air around me, I came to a sudden realization: I wasn’t in America.

Indeed, I was smack dab in the middle of some Chinese prison camp in the mountains. As what appeared to be the entire armed forces of China amassed around me guns drawn, I shook my head and laughed. “Boy oh boy, the price of freedom is steep!”, I quipped as I drew the rifle from earlier. I raised my rifle, prepared to mow down every last one of those freedom-hating commie bastards, when the sound of an approaching helicopter filled the air. Both myself and my aggressors looked to the sky, to see this:

It was Señor Juan, piloting 4.52 tons of Vietnam-era ‘Merican freedom! A rope dropped from the descending Huey. Figuring the absurd mass of troops surrounding me weren’t going to just let me fly away to freedom, I began firing at them with the rifle. My foes returned fire, succeeding in hitting the wall behind me. Evidently these guys had graduated from the Imperial Stormtrooper School of Marksmanship. I was able to hold them off long enough for Juan to bring the Huey in so I could make my daring escape. As I latched onto the rope and the Huey began its departure, I gave my Chinese hosts the ol’ one-finger salute, Uncle Jesse style:

“KNEE-HOW MOTHERFUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!” I screamed as the Huey flew away to the sound of six hundred million screaming Chinamen.

As Juan pulled me into the Huey, he told me what he knew about the previous night’s events.

Apparently at some point I decided that I wanted to “roll with Mr. Chow, bitches!”, and took an express flight to China with Juan. Shortly after my arrival, I heard a song that I liked and completely forgot why I came to China. In an attempt to jog my memory I drank even more Fireball Whiskey. That was when I realized I was on a Fireball drinking binge, and therefor also a “fire bender”. So I wandered the streets of China, claiming that I was a firebender on the hunt for the Avatar. Then I came across a monastery full of Buddhist monks. Completely losing my shit, I started screaming “DEATH TO THE AIRBENDERS! LONG LIVE THE FIRE NATION!” I grabbed a torch and proceeded to burn the monastery to the ground while screaming “AVENGE FIRELORD OZAI!” The smoke caused me to finally black out, until I woke up in the camp.

So we made our way back to America. What’s that? Hueys only have a range of around 300 miles you say? There’s no way we could have made it across the Pacific? Fuck that, Juan had his family trick that shit out. Nobody can fix a vehicle like Mexicans. Ever seen a Huey with hydraulics? Well fuck you buddy, I rode in one!

We arrived at the California coastline, and we were greeted in the traditional American way by eagles. F-15 Eagles, to be exact. “Huey, you are entering American airspace,” a voice said over the radio. “Please identify, over.” Before Juan could get us shot down by saying something about tacos or Mexico, I grabbed control of the radio. I had seen enough military shows, I knew how to talk to these people. “Pilot, this is Freedom 1 Chopper, returning from a rescue mission in Ching Chang Chong Chinaland,” I replied, “Mao Tse Dong has been castrated, I repeat, Mao Tse Dong has been castrated. Over.” A moment of silence followed by “Sir, have you been drinking?” I glanced at the bottle of Jack in my hand, then casually slid it under the seat in case this dickhead tried to pull alongside me. “No sir, just high on good ol’ ‘Merican freedom. Hoo-ah!” “Sir, land your Huey or we will shoot you down.” Son of a bitch, it’s on now! “Oh yeah? Well in the words of Miss Benatar, hit me with your best shot!” Instantly, a missile screeched past me, evidently meant to be a warning shot. Juan yelled something in Spanish, then said he was going to land the Huey. Fuck no, we won’t go! I pushed Juan aside and jumped into the controls of the four and a half ton behemoth. “STAR FOX BE MY GUIDE!” I screamed as I began evasive maneuvers. And by evasive maneuvers, I mean that I seriously attempted to do a barrel roll. In a Huey. We immediately went plummeting down to the Earth. We totally survived the crash, because this is my story damnit.

A bunch of unimportant shit later, and we were safely back in Philly. I then spent the next 11 months drinking copiously, before remembering that I had a website.

Nah, but what really happened was I lost interest and spent most of my time working and drinking. But I’m back now, so rest easily my children.