I hate slowskis

You all know what a Slowski is.

No, I’m not talking about the turtles from that Comcast commercial (Christ bro the spelling is even different and shit). I’m talking about the slow ass motherfuckers that hold up life in general with their snail’s pace lolligagging no-rush bullshit.

Still don’t know what a Slowski is? Alright, I’ll cut you a break, this time.

You know how when you’re hauling ass down the road, doing 60 in an area where the speed limit is 45 MPH, and suddenly you catch up to some asshole who’s doing 40, and adamantly refuses to go any faster because he’s a huge fucking pussy who’s probably more afraid of life in general than Chucky Finster from the Rugrats? And you can’t readily pass him because there’s another slow ass in the next lane going 41 MPH? And in the third lane is a semi truck with one of those stickers that says “Driver obeys all speed limits and stops at all railroad crossings”? Those are Slowskis, a plague that is blighting America.

Slowskis are never in a hurry to get anywhere, ever. They either do the speed limit, or below. Always, no exceptions. Being a Slowski isn’t age, race, or gender exclusive, it’s an equal opportunity thing. From old ladies to guys in their 30’s to teenagers. White, black, hispanic, Asian (ESPECIALLY Asian), anyone is a candidate for being a Slowski.

It’s not even restricted to the road. Slowskis are everywhere, walking our sidewalks, wandering our hallways, browsing our malls, and slowing down life around them anywhere there’s foot traffic.

This one time I was walking down a street, and some fat white trash Slowski was ahead of me, walking slow as fuck and gabbing away on her cellphone (a brand new iPhone which I probably paid for, since I’m one of the few suckers left in this country who actually works for a living and funds the public dole with my tax dollars). Understandable, since she most likely doesn’t have a job. It’s not like she has any reason to hurry for anything other than to beat the lunch rush at McDonalds. Since I’m not a worthless unemployeed piece of shit, I did have something to do and somewhere to be. As the Welfare Whale waddled on, completely oblivious to her surroundings as she continued to prattle away on her iPhone about Big Macs or whatever bullshit Welfare Whales like, I came up from behind her. Judging from her reaction, you’d have thought Freddy fucking Kreuger just crept up on her in an alien mask. She let out an audible gasp, then said to the person on the phone “Oh my fucking god, this guy just came up from behind me walking all fast and shit! That shit’s fucking ignorant!” Excuse me? I’m ignorant because you were too busy talking on your cellphone to pay heed to your surroundings? I’m ignorant because you were walking slow as shit? What the fuck was I supposed to do, announce my presence before I got close? Should I have slowed myself down to your speed so I didn’t frighten or offend you? No bitch, you’re a fucking retarded welfare whale. I made sure to tell her this. She started freaking out, saying some shit about “I’m gonna get ma man up here and he gonna fuck you up!” As if I had time to waste on this bullshit. I kept walking, confident her fat ass couldn’t keep pace with me.

I admit, that was an extreme example. Not all Slowskis are on Welfare Whale’s level of retardation. Here’s a quick rundown of common species of Slowskis one might encounter.

The Weaver

Weavers can be found on both the roads and on foot.

A weaver in a vehicle will typically drive a car length or less ahead of you in the adjacent lane, maintaining a speed that will keep him the same distance ahead of you. The whole time they’ll weave back and forth, coming just to the border of your lane and in some extreme cases even crossing it. So you slow down a little, assuming they’re looking to switch lanes (now’s as good a time as ever to say that if you’re one of the assholes who doesn’t signal when turning or switching lanes I hope you crash into a telephone pole and die). Do they switch lanes? Nope, they continue to do the same thing, playing a game of chicken with your lane’s border. Exercise caution when attempting to pass them, since they’re likely to clip your mirror off with their piss-poor driving.

Walking weavers are more annoying. The common urban sidewalk is anywhere between 3 to 5 feet wide. Somehow these assholes manage to take up an entire sidewalk, weaving side to side almost drunkenly. Their timing is impeccable, as they always seem to weave to your side of the sidewalk just as you attempt to pass them, creating a socially awkward situation where you feel compelled to say “Excuse me” and apologize despite the fact that they were clearly at fault. In extreme cases, they can turn violent and pick a fight with you. Remind them that other people do in fact exist with a right-cross to the jaw. Don’t be afraid to teabag them when they’re down either. It’s not gay to put your nuts in another man’s mouth unless he’s jerking you off while you do it, and even then not really.

“Slow down Ethel!”

“Slow down Ethel!” is a reference to the biggest offender of this one, old people.

SDE’s are the assholes on the road who do the speed limit or less, never any more. I mentioned them in the beginning of this article. The mindset that drives (pun intended) an SDE is a misguided sense of morality. By doing exactly the posted speed limit they feel that they are doing their part to be an upstanding and law-abiding citizen. In today’s fast-paced world of on-demand TV and fiberoptic internet, this is fucking stupid. This isn’t much of a problem on a road with more than one lane, but a well-placed SDE can completely and utterly ruin your day. I got caught behind an SDE once on my way to the liquor store and they caused me to get there 5 minutes too late. Thanks to Ethel and her overly cautious husband doing exactly 25 MPH, I didn’t get my bottle of Captain Morgan that night. I thought everybody knew about and agreed upon the generally accepted rule that cops don’t give a fuck if you go 5-10 MPH over the speed limit as long as you’re not being a dangerous idiot.

It would be unfair to single out old people here, so I’m going to mention that the second-worst offenders are foreigners, usually ones from third world shitholes like China, India, or Russia. Which is ironic if you’ve ever seen a video showing driving conditions in these countries. Since I’m too lazy to go find a video, traffic conditions are usually a clusterfuck, with people doing 100 MPH and driving on the sidewalks and shit. Pokey Pingping/Punjab/Petrov needs to pick up the pace.

Not much you can do about SDEs, except blow past them the first chance you get. Or if you’re an exceptionally big asshole you can cross the double yellow lines to go around them.

Shoppin’ Slowski

The Shoppin’ Slowski is found in any store with shopping carts. You’ll be pushing your cart down the aisle, knowing exactly what you want and where it is. In front of you will be the Shoppin’ Slowski, casually strolling down the aisle taking time to look at every single price tag to make sure they’re not missing out on the sale of the century. As you make to go past them, they’ll stop pushing their cart and blindly cut across in front of you, forcing you to stop as they dawdle past. Because that 50¢ can of vegetables is totally worth getting slammed into with a shopping cart. As with the Weaver, it all boils down to a mindset that they are the only people who exist and there is nobody else in their little world.

Another form of Shoppin’ Slowski can be found conveniently stopping directly in front of the product you want, either abandoning their cart to search for that perfect jug of milk or standing around on their phone texting or updating their Facebook status. Your options are to either say “Excuse me” (be prepared to have to repeat yourself no less than 5 times), or physically move their cart if they’ve left it unattended. Be warned though, Shoppin’ Slowskis can be very territorial to the point where they will sucker punch someone who moves their shopping cart even a fraction of an inch.

“Slow and steady wins the race” is not a mantra to live your entire life by. You want to “take your time and smell the roses”? Great, get the fuck out of my way, because time is money and I’ve got bills to pay and bitches to lay.