How to actually deal with illegal immigration: Make Mexico Great Again

As usual, I’ve already figured out the solution while everyone else is busy being a bunch of screaming fucktards.

President Trump’s plan to build a wall along the Mexican border and have Mexico pay for it is obviously a very controversial idea. On one side, we have the libtards who seem to think that we should welcome everyone with open arms and no questions. On the other side, we have the conservatards who seem to think that we should welcome everyone with open fire and no questions. As per American tradition, both sides are busy screaming their extreme solutions at each other, and I’m sitting here with a fucking headache wishing both sides would just shut the fuck up. In what should honestly become my new slogan, we have the left nut and the right nut, so I guess I’m the dick in the middle.

First of all, open borders is fucking retarded, and if you honestly can’t see why blindly allowing everyone into this country is a bad idea you’re a fucking idiot. Yes, America was built by immigrants. But these immigrants worked their fucking asses off, they didn’t come over here demanding handouts or trying to blow us up. No reasonable person should have a problem with immigrants who come here legally looking to make a better life for themselves and their families. The real problem lies in the ones who come over here, take a 7(a) loan with government assistance, open a “business” (i.e. a corner store, quick stop, or nail salon), then take the proceeds and go back to their home country where they’ll be considered rich. Why does anyone think this is acceptable? The fact is, we can’t just let people in for the sake of letting them in. There need to be some base requirements and restrictions for immigrating to America. We need more skilled trade workers, not more corner bodegas, gas stations, Subways, 7/11’s, nail salons, or Chinese food shops.

With that said, when it comes to illegal immigrants crossing the border from Mexico, a wall is not the way to go.

While many Mexicans do come over by sneaking across weak points at the border, a wall will only slightly mitigate this. Tunnels, vehicles, and even airplanes (look up “nap-of-the-earth” to see how they can easily avoid radar detection) are popular ways which Mexicans illegally cross the border. The cost of the wall outweighs the benefit on this one. There are entire black market industries based around getting people into America from Mexico, they’re very profitable and have been around as long as there’s been a border. Do you seriously think building a giant wall is going to stop that industry?

We need to tackle the problem at its roots, we need to deal with this at its core. Mexicans want to leave Mexico because Mexico fucking sucks. Mexico fucking sucks because it’s full of violence, poverty, and corruption. At the root of these issues are the cartels. The fact is, the cartels are Mexico’s hugest problem. If we want to tackle illegal immigration, we need to fix Mexico. To fix Mexico, we need to deal with the cartels.

So how do we beat these drug cartels, whose combined numbers rival that of our own military?

We could do a campaign of relentless drone strikes. We could send in black ops units likes SEAL Team Six or Delta Force to execute raids on the residences of cartel leaders. Hell, we could roll in using shock-and-awe tactics, steamrolling the cartels with a good old fashioned blitzkrieg of tanks and airstrikes, and send in ground forces to mop up after them. Without holding back, the US military would make short work of the cartels and any Mexican forces who attempted to resist.

Yes, we could beat them with sheer force. But that would cost us a fuckton of money, not to mention the massive reprisal we’d almost certainly face from the countless Mexican nationals and their sympathizers inside the country. Seriously, these people are like a fifth column just waiting for the right opportunity to rise up and start engaging in “reconquista”. We can’t give them that justification. Not only can we kick the ever-loving shit out of the cartels, but we can make bank doing it. And we can win without firing a single shot. I’m talking about a different kind of war. What is my idea to kill the cartels? Simple, we beat them economically.

The only reason these cartels have any power is because they have more money than God himself. Take away their money, and you effectively strip them of their hold over Mexico. Without money, they can’t buy Mexican politicians, they can’t hire the Mexican military, they can’t pay smugglers, they can’t do a fucking thing.

Easier said than done, right? This is, as Walter White put it, a business big enough that it could be listed on the NASDAQ. We’re talking hundreds of billions, if not trillions. These are seasoned businessmen with enough power to literally own an entire country. How on Earth could we possibly beat them economically, how in the hell are we going to drain their bank accounts?

Legalize drugs and prostitution in America.

It’s really that simple. Drugs and prostitution are two of the cartel’s biggest sources of revenue, and Americans are their biggest buyers. By legalizing marijuana, cocaine, heroin, and pretty much all the shit that’s coming across the border, we’re taking away a large chunk of their revenue. We’re also fighting urban and American organized crime in the process, since street gangs and mafias also receive a good chunk of their revenue this way. Bye bye Crips, Bloods, Pagans, 18th Street, Mara Salvatrucha, and pretty much every mafia. Nobody wants to buy your skeezy shit anymore, they can walk into the drug store now and get a better, cleaner high at an affordable price. Who wants that shit made in Mexico when they can buy shit made by scientists in an FDA-certified laboratory? Yo pimp daddy, ain’t nobody want your bust-ass hoes no more. We goin’ to the government-licensed brothel down the street. They got the finest cleanest bitches in town, gnomesayin’?

Now I know what you’re thinking. If people can shoot heroin and snort lines of coke off a hooker’s ass, this will lead to more drug addictions and higher crime rates as more people commit robberies to pay for their next high. Do you see alcoholics robbing people for their next six pack? Drugs can easily be regulated in a similar way to alcohol. You can’t drink and drive, you can’t shoot up/snort/smoke and drive either. It’ll still happen, the police can’t be everywhere all the time, just like they don’t catch every single person who drinks and drives. But just like when you turn 21 and can finally legally buy beer, once something becomes legal and easily available most of the thrill is gone and the average person grows to use it somewhat responsibly. Same principle with drugs, once it’s easy and legal to get high the average person will become a little more responsible with it.

What’s more, the money the government makes off of legalized drugs can be used to create viable public rehab programs for drug addicts. And with the stigma on drugs lifted, science can finally do serious research and possibly create substitutes that give the same high but with significantly reduced negative side effects. Imagine a pill that will give you the same high as smoking meth, but without your teeth rotting out and the potential for addiction. By legalizing drugs and capitalizing on the demand for them, we stand to make advances in medical science that could completely put an end to drug addiction, or at least come damn close.

A wall will cost billions of dollars. A military invasion of Mexico will cost billions of dollars and thousands of lives. Legalizing drugs and prostitution will net billions of dollars and save hundreds of thousands of lives. I think the choice here is really simple.

President Trump, legalize it. Legalize it all. Red ink is more effective than bullets in this war. Legalize drugs and prostitution, put the cartels out of business, then Mexico can finally clean itself up and become a country that its people can be proud of and actually want to live and work in.

2 thoughts on “How to actually deal with illegal immigration: Make Mexico Great Again

  1. GuccizBud

    Hmm, interesting. Food for thought. Encyclopedia Dramatica has you as a Maddox wannabe, but I’m not getting that. Two people writing articles advancing their opinions is not enough to lump them in the same boat. Maddox wrote as a caricature of himself with the intent to amuse — not at all what’s going on her. This article is actually . . . um, logical.

    • Angry_Jerk

      “Since he’s also imitating Maddox’s style of never finishing anything, the actual “fanpage” remains incomplete.”

      My favorite part of that ED page.

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