Star Wars: The Last Jedi – A very late review

Star Wars: The Last Jedi was a fuckfest of poorly-written bullshit.

As a Star Wars fan, I was excited when they announced a new trilogy. I even looked past the fact that Disney was responsible for it, hoping for the best from my beloved franchise.

I was fucking betrayed, let down, shattered.

“The Force Awakens” was okay. Not great, not terrible, just “okay”. It set some stuff up, introduced us to the new characters, and left room for those characters to develop over the course of the new trilogy. Some of it was questionable, like Rey beating Kylo Ren in a lightsaber duel with no training, but surely the future movies could explain this with good writing.

You wanted good writing in The Last Jedi? Go fuck yourself, asshole.

Snoke looked promising, he really did. I saw Snoke, and I thought to myself, “Here’s a motherfucker who’s seen some shit, this guy’s probably a bigger badass than Palpatine.” I had even hoped they would go with the Darth Plagueis storyline from the books. For fuck’s sake, they set that up perfectly in “The Force Awakens”, when Snoke says that he was around for the rise and fall of the Empire. In the books, Darth Plagueis is the guy who trained Palpatine, and even possibly the guy who created Anakin Skywalker from the midichlorians. Plagueis also was known to be able to “save others from death” by manipulating midichlorians. A 5 minute scene could have easily clarified all of this, and possibly made this a great movie.

Instead, they opted to unceremoniously kill Snoke in the dumbest fucking way possible. We didn’t get any kind of backstory or anything. Wanna know how he got those scars? Too fucking bad, bitch. Rather than any sort of backstory, we instead get Snoke being cut in half by Kylo Ren, who was told by Snoke to execute Rey but instead opted at the last second to use the Force to activate Snoke’s lightsaber (which was conveniently sitting next to him) and chop him in half like some stupid schlub. This bad-ass looking Sith lord who literally commands not just a fucking empire, but THE fucking EMPIRE, this motherfucker who can set up a bullshit telepathic connection between Kylo Ren and Rey, was blindsided by the biggest crybaby pussy in the history of the Star Wars franchise, and possibly even all of cinematic history. How the fuck? No, I literally yelled this in the movie theater when it happened. How the fuck? As in, how the fuck did this powerful Sith lord NOT know what that crybaby Professor Snape knock-off was about to do? This movie would have been better with the late great Alan Rickman as Kylo Ren, because Rickman would have ensured that Kylo wasn’t some huge pussy ass faggot. Look at this shit:

Don’t skip arm day or you’ll look like this weenie.

 

Kylo looks like he’s about to burst into tears in literally every scene, and he actually does in about 75% of them. Who was his trainer when he was getting into shape for this movie? His torso is laughably big compared to the rest of him. He looks less like a Sith lord and more like an angry younger brother trying to tell me that mom said it was his turn on the X-Box. What a chump, if this guy drew his stupid ass cross-shaped lightsaber on me I’d laugh in his face and tell him to fuck off. What a joke of a villain.

Every villain in this new trilogy has been a fucking joke so far. Hux, aka “Space Hitler”? Weak, just a way to shoehorn in a comparison to the Third Reich. Captain Phasma, the most over-hyped woman in the galaxy? Please, she was fucking useless, and any of her scenes could have been easily replaced with a rank-and-file grunt. Snoke was the only one with any potential, so of course we must kill him off!

As for the other characters, I wasn’t so much disappointed as I was underwhelmed. Rey was about as generic as a hero can be, and it was frustrating to see how she beat Kylo Ren in a lightsaber duel in the first movie, despite having absolutely zero fucking experience. Now, they COULD have done something with this. They COULD have made it as though she was also conceived from midichlorians akin to Anakin Skywalker (the movies don’t seem to use the “Plagueis created Anakin” story, so this wouldn’t create any real issue), and that once Anakin died she was born as another “Chosen One”. They could have done something similar to Avatar: The Last Airbender and made it that the Chosen One is constantly reborn, and will always be there to bring balance to the Force. I would have been okay with that. This would mean that she would be naturally skilled with the Force, and that’s how she beat Kylo Ren. We could have even had a scene with Luke taking her to some ancient scrolls he discovered on Ahch-To and explaining this to her. Instead, we get a montage of her “comically” vandalizing the homes of the planet’s natives, and 20 minutes of her staring at her own reflection.

Finn wasn’t much better. They had a good concept with him. He was a Stormtrooper who deserted the Empire because he didn’t want to re-enact the My Lai Massacre with his fellow soldiers. We could have had something great here. Over the course of the series we could have had Finn dealing with the struggle of having to fight alongside the Rebels despite being a pacifist. This could have been an excellent and poignant commentary on war and the horrors it causes. We could have had a scene where a Rebel general is doing something horrible akin to the atrocities the Empire has committed (maybe needlessly torturing Imperial prisoners out of anger or something), and Finn sees that both sides are guilty of evil, that war can bring out the worst in people. We could later have Finn come to the realization that, while war brings out the worst in people, it can also bring out the best in them, and have him save the life of an Imperial who is about to die. Another scene would have Finn assisting the Rebels in a firefight against Stormtroopers, only for him to kill one. In a panic, he runs to the corpse and unmasks it to discover that it was a friend of his from his time in the Imperial Army, creating more internal conflict (we could even have a remark about there always being a person behind the uniform). Finn could have been used for so much more.

Instead, they’ve squandered Finn away as another cookie-cutter character. Everything he’s done has been lame and poorly written. Getting a lucky shot on Kylo Ren with a lightsaber (which non-Force users can’t even really use in the Extended Universe)? Holding Captain Phasma at gunpoint to deactivate some shields? Escaping from the casino? Come on Disney, you fucked up what could have been a great fucking character with depth and moral strife, and turned him into a joke devoid of any real personality. I wouldn’t have minded the political commentary about war, since in this case it would have been well-written to fit in with the Star Wars universe and not just shoe-horned liberal propaganda.

As for Poe Dameron, I really don’t have much to say about him either way. He has potential, he’s been under-utilized, and I get the feeling Disney is gonna fuck him up somehow in the next movie.

Another thing that was bullshit about this movie was the part where Finn and the Asian girl sneak into the casino to find some guy called “The Master Codebreaker”, a hacker so powerful that he could break the security code for Snoke’s ship. The Master Codebreaker is built up for like an hour, Finn and the girl spend a good chunk of time trying to find him to enlist his help. Instead, they don’t even get to meet him, and we the audience see him only if we don’t happen to blink during that moment. Who do we get to meet? “DJ”, some sleazebag asshole who can’t decide if he’s a New Jersey mafioso or flamboyantly gay. I have to give some props to the actor on this one, that’s actually kind of hard to pull off. In a twist so “clever” you’d swear it was written by M. Night Shyamalan, DJ ends up betraying Finn and his Asian cohort, but dies anyway during the end.

But perhaps the biggest load of bullshit in the entire movie was the scene towards the end, where the pink-haired bitch stays behind on the ship and uses it to ram the Star Destroyer.

Let me say that this bitch did nothing but piss me off the entire fucking movie. In order to meet some kind of imaginary diversity quota, the entire top brass of the Rebel Alliance was female. I understand Leia, I even understand having a couple other women. But why did we need the entire top brass to be female? No wonder the Rebels were failing at every fucking turn, women aren’t rational enough to lead, especially when all the other leaders are also women. The top brass was probably too busy playing catty mind games with each other to effectively run the Alliance.

The rest of the women didn’t piss me off so much as the pink-haired bitch did. Every time this cunt opened her mouth she was bitching about something or at someone. I get it, Poe was kind of reckless, but he got the fucking job done. Get over it bitch, casualties are a part of war. Pink-Haired Bitch shouldn’t have been commanding Rebel forces, she should have been posting shit on her Tumblr page, which I could have easily ignored because I don’t go anywhere near that orgy of cancer, AIDS, and lard. Poe knew what was up, he immediately mutinied on the bitch and took control. Too bad she got control back, because this movie was written by SJW faggots and “WE NEED GIRLPOWER!!!!!”

We didn’t see this woman before, I don’t even think she was in the previous movie. If she was, it was only briefly. We had no emotional attachment to this character, other than maybe a hatred for her. So why then did the writers think it was a good idea to have her carry out that suicide mission at the end? Were we supposed to be sad she died? Was it an attempt at redemption for being a huge bitch the entire movie? No, it was terrible fucking writing. You know what character SHOULD have done the suicide mission?

Admiral Ackbar.

Why THE FUCK was Admiral Ackbar killed off-screen? Of all the things in this shitty movie, this pissed me off the most. This veteran of the original trilogy, this decorated war hero, this legend, was killed in an explosion, off fucking screen. If the writers had any idea how to actually write a decent story, they would have had Admiral Ackbar perform the suicide mission at the end. The audience would have FELT that, there’s long-standing emotional attachment to the character. Nobody knows enough about Pink-Haired Bitch to care that she gave her life to ensure the survival of others. If anything, I was fucking stoked that she won’t be back in the next chapter of the trilogy.

What a fucking shitshow. Rian Johnson should be absolutely ashamed of himself for directing this garbage, and the writing staff should have their fingers broken so they can never write again. I don’t get it, you guys had the fucking framework! I can understand not wanting to draw from the Extended Universe, but this trash you’ve written and produced is inexcusable. Even Michael Bay could make a better Star Wars movie than this. Hell, I think even Uwe Boll would have made a better Star Wars movie than what we got with The Last Jedi. Disney has shown that they’re more than capable of making a good Star Wars movie with “Rogue One”, so why’d they have to go and fuck this one up? I’m also highly disappointed with JJ Abrams, since he’s actually very competent and creative, as any fan of “Lost” knows.

I actually dread the idea of how terrible the next movie is going to be. You don’t have Carrie Fisher anymore, you’ve killed off Han Solo and Luke Skywalker (which to be fair I wasn’t upset with how they did either of their deaths, I just wish Han’s would have been used to develop Kylo a bit better). Daisy Ridley is a shitty actress, the kid who plays Finn is a rookie who got a bad script, and Poe Dameron keeps getting the shitty end of the stick (and possibly the stick shoved up his ass if retarded SJW douchebags have their way). Kylo Ren is without a doubt the biggest pussy in the universe, and making him the primary bad guy is setting us up for massive failure.

This movie sucked ass, and the next one is going to be even worse. Eat a dick Rian Johnson. But you’d probably love that you soyboy faggot.