Yes, I read your stupid emails. Here are some of the ones that are longer than two lines.
I’ve taken a break from doing nothing at all to share this hate mail with you. This time, our letter comes from the enchanting land of the UK, where people say “Cheerio!” and stop everything at 4 o’clock for tea time.
From: Sam Burnstead <email@example.com>
Subject: What’s up dawg?
Firstly, you aren’t Maddox. It’s pathetic how you’re trying to be Maddox, right down to posting your hate mail and trying to make fun of it.
And secondly, your view of gay people is very dumb. You make it sound like all of them are semi-naked, promiscuous and body-painted, when this is only a tiny portion of the gay community. I’m straight, but I hate when bigots like you write dumb articles like that. Luckily, gays and gay marriage is becoming more and more accepted all around the world, so your viewpoint is losing. Most people are advanced, modern and intelligent, which is why freedom and equality is on the rise.
If I was as bigoted as you, I might say ‘go and molest your cousin, you filthy redneck,” but that would be sinking to your level.
I’m just glad that, at the end of the day, viewpoints like yours are rejected by society. Mainly because the majority of us are not backwards, unlike you.
– Ruggy Burnstead, UK
Sam is referring to this article.
Jesus Christ, did you even read the fucking article? Maybe if you had actually read the whole thing and not just the text within the immediate proximity of the picture (which you probably broke your wrist trying to right-click and save as soon as you saw it), you might have noticed the following paragraph:
“Second, who gives a fuck if two gay people get married? Seriously, what’s the big deal? Oh wait, that’s right, it violates the sanctity of marriage. Unlike all the 20-year old couples that marry on a whim after being together for a year, have two or three kids, then get divorced two years later after one partner catches the other being unfaithful despite the fact that they were unfaithful too. Premature and unfaithful marriages? No big deal. Two queers getting married? Hell no, we need some government regulation up in this bitch!”
…and the closing line:
“Nah, I’m just homophobic and intolerant of other cultures. You know, ’cause strutting around in public while wearing a thong, angel wings, and excessive body paint is what being gay is all about.”
Clearly reading comprehension isn’t your strong suit, eh Sammy? Or maybe sarcasm is on the ever-growing list of things outlawed in the UK, probably buried somewhere in the Anti-Social Behavior Order. More than likely though, you were just too damn distracted by the picture to focus. And since you probably didn’t catch it because of your poor reading comprehension, I was calling you a faggot in that last sentence. Go read the article again, and reread it as many times as it takes for you to understand what it was about.
Alright, fuck it man. I just can’t get past your comment about me trying to be like Maddox. I publically make fun of my hatemail, so I’m ripping off Maddox? Are you smoking crack, motherfucker? No, I really want to know. Are you on drugs? I’ve seen some pretty stupid reasoning for accusing people of ripping off Maddox, but that’s pretty high up there. You might as well accuse me of trying to be like Maddox just because I have a website.
Oh, and dude, word of advice. When you’re trying to own someone, you might not want to use a nickname like “Ruggy”. It sounds like something you’d call a 5 year old.
Ruggy, consider yourself… BEATEN.
Sam sent me this follow-up email:
Subject: Thanks for putting my hate mail on the website
It wasn’t hate mail because I don’t hate you. I read some of your other stuff and I agree with you on a number of things.
I was just sticking up for the gay people. Sometimes it’s difficult to distinguish when someone is being sarcastic and when they are being serious. I say this because there have been times when I’ve thought “this person must be trolling because no one can be that dumb,” only to discover they are in fact being serious. Maybe I’m just an idiot but on my first read I thought the article was hating on gays.
I don’t consider myself beaten. I think we all learned something today.
I’m ok with Ruggy sounding like a 5 year old. Maybe it represents my inner child. It’s just something people call me, for reasons not understood by anyone.
I like the way you ended the response with YEEAAAAHH, but you didn’t really make the essential pun that’s supposed to precede it. I don’t blame you though because I can’t think of one either.
Excuse me, it’s 4 o’ clock, time to get some tea up in this motherfucker.
-Love Ruggy xx
Oh yeah? Well…
Fuck man, I didn’t expect you to be all polite and humble and shit. I guess not everybody on the internet is a massive dickhead. Props to “Ruggy” for actually bothering to read the rest of the site and realizing that he misread my article.
Take note people, this is how you look like someone who isn’t a fucking idiot.
It’s that time again, gents.
From: Debbi Calton <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Dear Angry Jerk:
I’m not sure what you have a problem with. I’m just someone going in each day doing my job. And with that said, I would like to invite you in to hang out with me during a show one day. Let me know when you’d like to come in. There’s a lot more going on than you have any idea about. If you’re going to post something about me, you should at least know something about me. How about it?
Click here to read the entire thing.
In the future, I promise to make more promises about posting hatemail sooner after I receive it.
From: Boyan S. <email@example.com>
Subject: your site sucks BIGTIME
Hold on one second here while I use my Cap’n Crunch secret decoder ring to translate your seemingly incomprehensible email.
k, so from what I understand Boyan, you seem to think that being in the top million websites on the internet is unimpressive, I try too hard to be edgy, I’m unoriginal, I suck up to Maddox (who also apparently has a patent on the English language), and you have fantasies about impregnating my mother. Interesting, very interesting indeed. Let me ponder this whilst I beat the shit out of babies and old people, then beat my girlfriend for not making me a sandwich.
Firstly, you will be happy to know that my website has not been in the top million websites for about 8 or 9 months now, since the article you’re referencing was written almost a year ago. In fact, it will be exactly a year in three days. My goodness, time does fly! In that time, millions of new websites have sprung into existence, many of which are corporate-sponsored or use keywords to manipulate their rankings. This has (sadly) pushed my ranking all the way back to 4,609,751.
Pressing on, I am most troubled by your accusation that I try too hard to be edgy. No, seriously, what the fuck is up with that shit? Is it really still considered “edgy” to use racial slurs online? Jesus Christ dude, it’s 2010. It should be considered edgy to not use racial slurs online.
Yes, the stuff I write on this website might be considered unoriginal, but you know what’s more unoriginal? The use of the term “unoriginal” as a criticism. Seriously, that’s what 95% of the negative criticisms about sites like mine consist of. “UR SO UNORIGINAL.” “SO-AND-SO ALREADY WROTE ABOUT THAT.” “UR COPYING OFF OF MADDOX.” Because Maddox was the first person ever in the history of the entire fucking world to convey negative opinions of the mainstream through writing.
But of all the criticisms I’ve ever received, “You try to suck up to Maddox” has got to be the most confounding one. When have I sucked up to Maddox? I’ve ripped on him several times. Unless of course you’re referencing how I pulled the leaked episodes of his show after he emailed me and requested it? Yeah, I guess this could be considered “sucking up” to him:
Subject: Please remove leaked videos.
I’m not sure how you got them, but I’d appreciate it if you removed them and didn’t share or repost them. They aren’t mean to be released, and were only shot as a proof of concept. I will be releasing actual videos soon, and Youtube will remove these videos anyway if I ask them to, but I figured I’d rather go to the source and ask you to please remove them yourself. I know you don’t have to, but I have no beef with you, and I’m not sure why you have it out for me, but I’d be grateful if you did. Please let me know, thanks.
Well, I honestly didn’t expect to receive a humbling letter from the man himself. If I decided not to pull them, I really don’t think there’s much you could do. But I’m not a dickhead, and I know you aren’t really one either. I’ll pull them.
On a side note, I don’t think the videos were terrible. They weren’t great, and they were better suited as articles, but they could have been far worse.
ONLY because you asked nicely, and ONLY because your site was one of the inspirations that drove me to do mine.
Yeah, you’re right, there’s not much I could have done. I appreciate you being cool about it.
Thanks for the feedback too, I appreciate it. I’d be interested to hear what you think once I get the new cuts up as well.
I’m such a fucking suck-up, being receptive to courtesy and responding in kind, as well as offering honest criticisms. Either that or I’m simply not a complete and total douchebag. And LOL @ the idea that I ripped Maddox off by simply using the word “inanity” in my slogan. Honestly, this website’s slogan is probably the most accurate description of this website.
It is my regret to inform you that my mother, at the age of 57, is no longer capable of bearing children. But by all means, please don’t hesitate to have sex with her anyway. Just be prepared though, since she’s prone to flipping out over utter bullshit (I think volatility must run in the family).
Now you’ll have something new to read when you check my website daily, Boyan.
Captain Ozone somehow found my coverage of his super-faggotry (most likely by Googling his name like the narcissistic cocksucker he is), and was less than happy with it. Sorry for getting this up so late, but your mom.
From: Will Ozone <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Captain Ozone
So let me get this straight. This guy came to my site looking for “intellectual controversy”, and he couldn’t find it? Are you fucking blind? My site is full of intellectual controversy. Like all the constant references to me being physically abusive towards my ex-girlfriend. Or what about that time I posted that one guy’s IP address and called him a pedophile? And what about that other article where I made that joke about throwing Jews into ovens? Or how about all of those sly references to the number 216 I slip into my articles? Bet you’re not intellectual enough to figure out the number’s significance, Ozone. It’s not that there isn’t any intellectual controversy on my site. You’re just too goddamn stupid to recognize it when you see it.
In any case, I attempted to reach out and enlighten our young padawan:
Sorry, I guess I missed your sense of humor because it wasn’t funny.
Did you really expect me to sit through that 26 minute video you sent me? I can barely watch an 11 minute episode of Invader Zim on my computer without being distracted. If I’m that distracted even when watching something I enjoy, what makes you think I’m going to watch 26 minutes of environmentalist bullshit? I’m not a hypocrite and would die defending your right to promote whatever your message is, but holy cow man, I feel unclean from just skimming through 10 seconds of that garbage.
I’ll admit, my knowledge of you is limited to Encyclopedia Dramatica and the World Super Hero Registry. From what I’ve read, you seem like an utterly reprehensible faggot. I mean, you actually threatened to sue somebody for calling you a murderer and rapist over the internet.
Putting aside the fact that only a whiny bitch would threaten to sue someone for talking smack online, you obviously don’t think too much of your fans if you feel they’re dumb enough to believe facetious accusations of murder and rape on some loser’s blog. You claim you want to help the world, but who are you helping by threating people with lawsuits? A truly noble person would have brushed it off and continued doing what they’re doing. If you’re so easily bothered by the nonsensical tripe of others, maybe you shouldn’t be an activist.
Any lawyer who tells you that you could win that case is full of shit and only looking to screw you out of your money. Next time you want to spend money pursuing legal action against an obvious troll, ask yourself “Who is this going to help?” Instead of contributing to the decline of society, give the money you would have spent on the lawyer to a charity that supports what you believe in.
I would refute your claims about my website being full of ignorance and bigotry, but quite frankly I don’t think it’s worth it. You’re just some self-righteous dork trying to wave his prick around.
Hit the pike, buddy.
But as it turns out, Captain Ozone’s legal counsel DID NOT send that legal notice. The plot thickens, much like Captain Ozone’s dense skull:
Hey broski, chillax. You’re an environmentalist faggot who wears tight-fitting costumes and poses on top of giant logs. The whole lawsuit thing wasn’t that big of a leap to make.
And yeah, I guess I’m too inept to get your message, whatever the fuck it is. Maybe you’ll give me a hand here?
I’m sure you’re trying to make some kind of point or convey some kind of message to me in your emails, but I’ll be damned if I can figure out what it is.
I guess not =(
Ah well, so much for super heroes being noble and helping out “lesser” folk like me. Captain Ozone? More like Captain Douchebag.
From: Michael Bradshaw <email@example.com>
Subject: fuck urself
what r u waiting for? go fuck urself.
I already do five times a day, usually to this picture:
But I’ll do it a 6th time just for you, Michael.
From: Mr. Jonas<firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: angry jerk makes a jerk angry with his shittyness
you are a huge nerd. your website is shit, your personality is shit, every article your write has a lot of shit in it. your flash series is a joke, that’s not helping your cause of becoming less shit. maybe i’m being a bit mean considering i’ve only read about 4 articles, but my god, i read little ninnies blogs when im bored and they bring me more entertainment then you. you know when you’re bored and watching TV and nothing is on, so you pick something that sounds the most interesting and try to enjoy it. Well, thats what i’d rather do then try and find humour in your pathetic nerd site. try not to get 12 boners from your first ever hate mail. fag.
You’d rather read another website than read mine? Damn, that’s gotta be one of the most brutal things ever said to me.
From: Alban Abendroth <email@example.com>
Subject: Cutting Your Liver Out
I’m going to find where you live, and put a huge fucking knife in between your fucking ribs, and I’m going to repeat this process for several minutes so your blood is running all over the floor of your home. Then I’m going to put aside the knife, and pick up the cleaver. I will swing it down at ever fucking joint in your fucking cancer ridden body, lopping off all hands, feet and anything else that comes off. There will be blood everywhere. I will drink it all. I will keep you alive as I am carving your flesh up into tastey morsels like finger foods. I will fucking rape your loved ones, and your kids will be sodomised and eaten and I’ll keep their skulls as trophies. I will saw vertically down your fucking cock so you will never misuse it again. And then I’ll lop your testicles off and shove them down your childs dead throat. I will slice, slowly, across your windpipe as I am nearing the end. I will lop your head off and show it your body in the 20 seconds it remains alive as you painfully die.
Your mother will feast on my jizz and sick, before I cut her eyes out and shit in her face. The fucking filthy cunt will love every moment of the bloody death and rape I provide her with.
Your father will simply be stabbed to fucking death for helping produce such scum as you. He deserves to die.
I’ll make your wife squirt in your daughters mouth. At gunpoint.
May cancer kill you before I get my hands on you. Because cancer won’t be as painful.
This email coincided with him posting similar bullshit on my YouTube page, as well as several hits from a forum topic. It turns out this living abortion is some goth fag who apparently took issue with my “Of Serial Killers and Sexual Attraction” article. He’s also a fan of Grace Slick, as evidenced by his user name on the forum, “Gore for Grace”, with Grace Slick as his avatar. Grace Slick is apparently serious fucking business, enough to warrant a detailed death threat against me and my nonexistent wife and kids. After 5 minutes of research, I discovered that Fagzilla here is a “gothic rapper” from England going by the nickname “Sladen Dead“. Sladen Dead has an obsession with Elisabeth Sladen, the actress from Dr. Who. He even made this:
Could he have chosen a worse picture of her?
It also turns out that his father beats him on a regular basis, resulting in his angst. Well shit, I’d beat my kid too if he looked like this:
I decided to reply to him:
Oh yeah? Well I question your sexuality. What do you have to say about that, HMMMMMMMM?
I know where you live. I traced you. I have contacts. And they agreed that your blood must be spilt. They are like a pack of hungry wolves, and once they’ve set their eyes upon a target, you’re minced meat.
Sexuality is nothing. Nothing matters in life but death. It is the only factor that matters. Death. The End. And you are going to die. God save you, you are going to die in suck fucking pain. I HUNGER for your skin. You don’t understand. I NEED you dead. It’s essential for my happiness. And you are threatening my happiness by being alive. You have to die. AND you will..
The sexual overtones in this email were too much for me. I replied:
Dude you just gave me the biggest boner. Can you change your name to Molly Murder so I can pretend you’re a girl and get off to your sexually provocative posts?
I guess it was too much for him too:
Oh there’s no need for that. I’m going to rape your corpse anyway, little queer. Suck your blood up and spit it back into your lovers face. Stabbing, stabbing and stabbing until all that’s left is a pile of sludge. I orgasm thinking about your dead. I orgasm more thinking about your children dead. And so, you understand, they have to die. My dad used to beat me up as a child. And he was right to. It’s the only way to treat people, especially children. However, I still cut his throat. Because he taught me that’s the way to be. Brought up with respect for death, and the beauty that comes with it. My uncle went to prison because he raped a baby and he told me that it was so good and he never regreted doing it.. I look up to my uncle.
Ask your son what the strange man made him suck.
In the same email, he calls me gay, then he talks about raping me, idolizing his baby rapist uncle, and getting sucked off by an underage boy. Um, what? Is this some kind of new trolling technique where you embarrass yourself to draw ire from others? If so, it worked.