Rocky Balboa sucked

The new Rocky movie was pure unadulterated garbage. Time to retire the franchise, Sly.

Everyone in Philly has been raving about the latest installment in the franchise, titled Rocky Balboa. Growing up in Philly, it’s impossible to not like at least the first four Rocky movies, and I’d even go so far as to say Rocky V has a special place in the franchise’s legacy, even if that place might be at the back of a short bus licking the window.

At work we have a guy who gets these sweet good-quality bootleg DVDs of movies out in theaters and gives them to us for my favorite price, free. I figured now would be the perfect time to check out the latest Rocky movie. After all, if it’s free it’s for me.

I went home, put the DVD on, and kicked back.

Right from the beginning I knew the movie was going to be shit.

The film opens with some douchebag fighter named Mason “The Line” Dixon wailing on some pussy who can barely fight back. Dixon is apparently the current World Boxing Champion, though he’s not very popular with the crowd. He knocks his opponent out and the crowd starts chucking ice at him.

Skip to Rocky waking up and going to his wife Adrian’s grave. The movie doesn’t say how she died, but I think she killed herself rather than be in another shitty sequel. The franchise peaked at Rocky IV. Ivan Drago was easily Rocky’s toughest opponent. I still can’t believe Rocky won that shit, Drago was a fucking beast.

Anyway, Rocky now owns a restaurant named after Adrian. He goes to a bar, and we meet a very familiar bartender. Yup, it’s the foul-mouthed little bitch that Rocky walked home in the first movie. She’s about 30 now, and he’s over 60. He drives her home and meets her son, the bastard child of her and some Jamaican dude. I think they said that the father was Bob Marley, but I don’t remember. I was too busy cringing at Rocky’s godawful pickup lines. After a bunch of terrible flirting with that classic Stallone Slur™, Rocky gives the girl a hostess job at his restaurant.

At the restaurant, Mason Dixon’s managers are trying to convince Rocky to fight Dixon. Their bait consists of a computer-generated fight that shows Rocky knocking the fuck out of Dixon. After spending a whole five seconds carefully considering the ramifications of stepping into the ring with a guy half his age, Rocky accepts the offer.

Rocky’s son doesn’t want him to fight at first (as any reasonable person might feel when hearing their 60-something year old father wants to fight a guy half his age), but he eventually agrees. We see a montage of Rocky training with the same old bullshit he used to do, like running up the art museum steps, drinking raw egg, and beating his meat.

Finally, the day of the fight arrives. As is expected, Mason Dixon is pounding the ever-loving shit out of Rocky. Dixon breaks his hand, Balboa stages a comeback, the two go the distance to the final round, blah blah blah. The match ends and Mason Dixon is the winner, but not by knockout. Everyone suddenly respects Dixon as a champion, because nothing proves your worth like beating an old man by split decision.

I didn’t like the ending, so I made up two of my own.

My first alternate ending captures the rowdiness that Philly sports fans are known for.

An angry crowd grabs Rocky, ties him up, and drags him to the top of the Philadelphia Art Museum steps. A midget kicks him in the nuts, throws him into a steel oil drum (ironically enough the same one the homeless guys are singing around in the first movie), and lights him on fire. The crowd pushes him down the steps, chanting “NEVER AGAIN!” over and over.

My second alternate ending would serve to establish a shared universe between the Rocky and Rambo franchises.

As Rocky is making his way to the ring, a Viet Cong assassin rushes from the crowd and stabs him with a Kabar (we find out later that this Kabar was used by John Rambo to kill the Viet Cong assassin’s brother). Before he’s taken down, the assassin screams “DEATH TO YOU JOHN RAMBO!”. Rocky survives and is taken to a hospital. As Rocky lays in the hospital bed, John Rambo enters the room and tells Rocky “Fight’s not over yet, champ.” Cut to credits. In the post-credits scene, we see an older Vietnamese man watching a news broadcast about the attack on Balboa while polishing a rifle.

Man that would rule so hard.

Oh, and this article contains spoilers.