Last time, I told you how boring the Bible was, and how I fell asleep reading it.
Well, after taking an entire bottle of Ritalin, drinking three liters of Mountain Dew, and downing 6 cups of coffee (even though I don’t like coffee), I attempted to read the Bible again.
It was very hard, and I almost fell asleep close to the end of the Old Testament, but then I found a picture of (insert ugly celebrity here) naked, and I was too afraid to go back to sleep. I managed to read the entire Bible, front to back. I still agree with the idea that I should be God, but now for different reasons. Christians, prepare to question your faith.
First, we have the story of Noah’s Ark. God decided that man was wicked, and decided to flood the Earth. He spared Noah, his family, and two of each animal. This sounds at first like a good thing, because God spared Noah and his family. But in actuality, God is nothing more than a mass murderer. God killed off a large group of people for not following him. Now who does that sound like? Here’s a hint:
That’s right. Hitler did the same exact thing. The Great Flood is basically the Holocaust of the Bible.
But like any red-blooded American, God enjoys playing a good prank on someone. Like the one he played on Abraham. That silly God told Abraham to sacrifice his son to show his loyalty, but, here’s the joke, HE DIDN’T MEAN IT! That sap Abraham was really going to sacrifice his son in the name of God, but God sent an angel down to say “Dude, you’ve been Punk’d!” LMAO! God is so funny, scaring the piss out of Isaac like that! I wish I were that funny! George Carlin has nothing on God.
This is why I should be God. If I were God, I’d play better pranks than that. I’d desecrate churches, then blame it on priests. I’d trick everyone into killing each other in my name. Oh wait…
Fuck man. You know, God has all these powers, yet he doesn’t seem to care enough about us to use them for good. Instead, he’d rather do childish shit, like have the Virgin Mary appear on grilled cheese (which was later sold to some sap for $25,000), or have Jesus’s face appear on a donkey’s ass (BUM BUM CHING).
And Satan is a little dick-whipped bitch as well. For some reason, he’s doing God’s work by punishing people who disobey God. Never mind that he and God are eternal enemies, because, get this, he REBELLED AGAINST GOD! So if they’re eternal enemies, why does Satan punish God’s enemies for him? That’s like America punishing someone for treason against the Iranian government. Or me jumping someone for beating up that gay kid I hate. God, I can’t stand that motherfucker. Not because he’s gay, but because he’s annoying as shit.
I should be God. I’d run this universe a hell of a lot better. But I’d be a power-hungry dick and have people build statues of giant penises everywhere (okay, I’ll admit that pun sucked, but the other one was good). Fuck God. I’d rather burn in Hell for eternity if it meant having to worship a psychopath.
On a lighter note, I finally saw my l33t-speaking boss get pissed off at someone. This other busboy cursed out this customer, and my boss came down, and yelled “STFU 4ND GTFO N00B!” The kid started to argue, but my boss was like ” I S41D STFU AND GTFO, C0Z UR B4NN3D!” He then pulled out a giant hammer with the words “Ban Hammer” written on the side of it. He started swinging it around at the kid. He even accidentally knocked a customer’s head off. “LOL, PWN3D!” he yelled. “Sir!” I yelled. “Watch out!” Behind him, another employee was coming up with a butcher knife. The employee swung the knife, and made a rip in my boss’s shirt. “OMFG J00 F4G!” “Sir, let me help you!” I shouted. I picked up a plate from someone’s table, and hucked it straight at the knife-guy’s head. He was out cold. A customer pulled out a badge and gun, and yelled “Freeze! I’m a cop!” “OMG 1TZ T3H ADM1NZ!” shouted my boss. “Don’t worry sir! I’ve got it covered!” The cop shot at me, but I used the unconscious corpse of the knife-wielding employee to shield the bullets. I took the knife and threw it at the cop’s hand. It took off his hand, and he fell to the ground in pain. My boss grabbed the busboy he was yelling at, and raised the hammer. “J00 4R3 B4NN3D!” He brought the hammer down, but stopped right in front of the kid’s face. “LOL, J/K!” The kid was like “Holy shit! You had me going there for a minute!” The customers all laughed, and continued their meals.
Just another day at work.