I’d chill with Bush

The presidency of George W. Bush can be summed up in two simple words: Dismal failure. His presidency was one of the biggest shit stains upon the history of the United States. He not only pissed all over the Constitution, but he also shit on it, jacked off all over it, then trimmed his pubes and sprinkled them on top of it. He also started two unwinnable wars, aided in fucking up our fucked-from-the-start economy, and I also suspect that he was porking Condaleeza Rice, which in itself should be considered a crime against humanity.

But despite his ineptitude as a politician, Bush would probably be a cool guy to chill with. I’d have a few beers with Dubya. Sure, he probably likes Budweiser, the favorite beer of bumpkins and NASCAR fans alike. But I don’t care, since he’s filthy rich and could probably hook me up with any alcoholic drink I’d want.

What would I do if I were given the opportunity to hang out with George W. Bush? Here’s a quick list of things we’d probably do:

  • Drink beer and eat pretzels
  • Talk shit on pretty much every minority group
  • Prank call Vladimir Putin
  • Make jokes comparing Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to a monkey:

  • Talk more shit on minorities, and laugh about Hurricane Katrina
  • Talk about how hot Sarah Palin is
  • Rip on Obama and his brain-dead followers
  • Play “Knock-Knock Zoom-Zoom” on Hillary Clinton
  • Create a CIA plot to kill Kanye West for exposing the truth about the levees in New Orleans
  • Throw rocks at illegal immigrants trying to sneak across the border
  • Drink more beer and eat some hot wings
  • Watch reruns of professional wrestling which feature Stone Cold Steve Austin
  • Go to the Capitol Building and reenact the caning of Charles Sumner by beating up random Senators, both Democrat and Republican
  • Flip off random people on the street for no apparent reason
  • Hold a press conference and make more jokes about the nonexistent WMDs in Iraq
  • Drink even more beer

Besides being able to brag about hanging out with the president, I’d also have a chance to get closer to his daughter. What’s better than getting wasted and causing trouble with the president? Boning the president’s smoking-hot daughter. Behold, Jenna Bush:

She can hail to my chief any day of the year.

I’m sorry George. Please don’t let my sexual attraction to your daughter dissuade you from hanging out with me.

GTG, some guys with suits and sun glasses are at my door. It better not be those goddamn Jehovah’s Witnesses again. l8r.