Of serial killers and sexual attraction

WHAT DO ALL OF THESE MEN HAVE IN COMMON?

Aside from being deranged serial killers, they all have fan clubs full of equally deranged women who lust after them.

What could any woman possibly see in a guy who rapes, tortures, and kills women? Every year, thousands of women write love letters to these freaks, and even visit them! Some of these women even marry the serial killers in a prison wedding ceremony! Are you bitches for fucking real? Shit ladies, if you’re that hard up for some dick hit me up and I’ll take care of you. 8 to 80, blind, cripple, and crazy. If she can’t walk I’ll carry her. That’s my motto.

I don’t understand this behavior at all. I had this one psycho-bitch girlfriend who wouldn’t shut up about how much she wished she could sleep with Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy’s been dead since 1989, but I’m willing to try anything once. Unfortunately, I discovered that Ted Bundy was cremated and his ashes were spread across some mountains in the state of Washington. Feeling relieved that I wouldn’t be forced to witness my girlfriend commit necrophelia (but still kind of disappointed, since I’ve always been curious), I decided to give her the next best thing and roleplay. By the time I was done with her, she didn’t have a passion for Ted Bundy anymore. In fact, she didn’t have a much of a passion for anything afterwards, because she fucking died. I’m sure she didn’t find the idea of fucking a serial killer who raped and strangled his victims too arousing as she was being choked to death. Thank god that dumb ass cop forgot to read me my Miranda Rights, otherwise I’d have been looking at 20-30 years. God bless the American justice system!

Really, what do women find so attractive about these abominations? These are usually the same women who hook up with abusive men who beat them, and wait 5 years to leave them for another abusive man. Either that or they’re fat, unsightly, and lack any redeeming qualities whatsoever to attract a sane man.

I won’t deny it though. I find the idea of a female serial killer tying me to the bed and holding a knife to me as she rides me hot as shit. The problem is, hot female serial killers are virtually non-existant. Even a passable female serial killer is hard to find. The media portrays female serial killers out to be sexy brooding black-haired bombshells, but the cold limp truth is, most look like this:

Aileen Wuornos, executed in 2002 for killing 7 men between 1989 and 1990. BRAWWWK, Polly want a crackpipe!

Well, we know who the alpha-dyke was in that prison.

After reading Peter Vronksy’s book “Female Serial Killers: How and Why Women Become Monsters”, I determined that most female serial killers seem to fall into one of three categories:

-Cult lackeys, women who rally around people like Charles Manson

-Black Widows, women who marry then eventually kill men for their money

-Angels of mercy, nurses or caretakers who kill those who they think are suffering

All I can say is: YAWN. Where are all the hot psychopathic women who dye their hair black and prey on men like me for sexual gratification?

Perhaps the only relatively decent-looking female serial killer to ever exist was Karla Homolka. Most of you Canucks are probably familiar with her, since I hear the tabloids there obsess over her. Those who don’t know, her and her at-the-time husband whose name I don’t give a shit about kidnapped, raped, and killed jailbait, the first victim being Karla’s own sister. Talk about kinky! Behold, the only female serial killer I would bang:

Choices choices.

Hey Karla, if you’re reading this, let’s hook up some time. Send me an email and we can arrange something. If you married a pussy like Paul Bernardo, you should have no reservations about having sex with a real man who writes articles about traveling through time to fuck the singers of psychadelic bands from the 60’s and sends childish profanity-laced emails to foreign governments. If you want I can get my girlfriend to dress up in a school girl outfit and we can have a three way.

I’ll be waiting baby. 😉