You know how sometimes you take a shit, then get up to wipe your ass and discover that you still have to piss? Then you piss on your shit, and the water gets kind of foggy as your shit dissolves upon contact with your piss?
That’s Jersey Shore.
After recovering from my initial shock that this show didn’t die in its first season, I caved in to peer pressure and attempted to watch it. I watched 3 minutes of the first episode. Three fucking minutes of my life that I’ll never be able to get back. Three minutes that left me feeling confused, angered, and empty.
For those who don’t know what the show is about, here’s a detailed summary: A bunch of closet homos and some whores go out and get drunk in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. That’s it. That’s all this show is about. Millions of people sit in front of their TVs and watch a bunch of losers get paid to get hammered.
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!
Everyone I’ve berated for watching this show tells me the same thing: “THE DRAMA IZ HILARIOUS!!!!” Because nothing makes me laugh harder than knowing these assholes are getting paid thousands of dollars a day to be jackasses while I’m busting my ass 6 days a week and hustling stuff just to keep my lips above the water. Seriously, these guys make more money annually than a cop, firefighter, and soldier put together. And you idiots actually watch this shit.
And I’m very tired of hearing people use the word “situation”. “We’ve got a situation here!” This towering monument to faggotry is the inspiration behind this:
“Behold, my slightly above-average physique! Yeah that’s right baby, I wear underwear with my swim trunks. Hey, stop giggling at my small dick! Fuckin’ grenade!”
Because his real name is fucking gay, Mike Sorrentino refers to himself as “The Situation”. He goes around acting like he’s hot shit and can beat anyone’s ass, which I assume is where this whole “We have a situation here” thing came from. Bitch please. The only reason he’s won any fights in any bar in Seaside Heights is because of the overbearing police presence. Seriously, there’s like 800 cops patrolling what’s only about 10 miles max of land. It’s fucking ridiculous. What most likely happens is this meathead starts flapping his gums, someone calls him on his bullshit, he punches them, they punch him back, then get roughed up by his bouncers for about 5 seconds before the police come and arrest everyone in the club because it beats hassling teenagers on the boardwalk and ticketing drivers for going 2 miles over the speed limit. Take this oaf and put him in a one-on-one street fight with no help from his buttbuddys or bouncers, and he’ll fall like a big clumsy tree with a small dick. I could kick his fucking ass. That’s right, “the Situation” would get his ass kicked by the guy who spends his average night jerking off to gangbang porn and listening to Pat Benatar. Then his butthurt bitch friends would attempt to justify his loss by saying I cheated somehow.
The rest of the male cast is equally worthless, and the female members all have slutty-sounding names, like “Jenni” “Snooki”, “Sammi”, and “Jolie”. You know, because adding an “ee” sound to the end of something makes it sound cute and attractive. The male demographic is supposed to find them attractive, but I’d rather stick my dick in a blender than fuck any of these vapid cunts.
Looks like a fucking cartoon character. Also, whoever did the airbrush job on her fake tits really sucks.
That tattoo screams “closet lesbo”. No ass and no tits, which is why she’s trying to push both of them out.
Reminds me of my ex. Probably because Jolie also looks Jewish. Unfortunately, she fails to tickle my Jew fetish. I think it’s because she looks like she used to be a man. And that’s terrible.
Alright, fuck this nitpicking shit. I’ll admit it. I’d probably fuck each and every one of these whores. Especially Sammi. They probably all suck in bed, but at least I’d earn respect from the retarded guys who actually watch this show, which really isn’t worth jack shit in the end.
You people suck. I mean, really suck. Hard.
Fuck you guys.