I hate fair-weather fans
Angry_Jerk
In July of 2008, I left behind a city full of people sporting Philadelphia Eagles jerseys, flags, and other assorted merchandise. Everybody in the city knew the “Birds'” roster, and would constantly spout facts about their favorite players. “Donovan McNabb threw blah-blah-blah yards against that other team!” “Westbrook ran who-fucking-cares yards for I-really-don’t-give-a-shit-man touchdowns!” Philadelphia was officially known as “Eagles Country”. No, seriously, I think the mayor even said it in a speech.
Two years and a bunch of bullshit later, I returned to Philadelphia to handle some business. Instead of being greeted by a bunch of loud obnoxious dumbfucks wearing green, I was greeted instead by a bunch of loud obnoxious dumbfucks wearing red. The fuck was going on here? Where were all the Eagletards that I loved to hate on? I knew that Philadelphia had sold off their AHL team to New York, who with only a measly four teams was clearly in dire need of another one. Did Philly also sell off its biggest moneymaker to those obnoxious bastards up north who can’t drive for shit? Further, what was up with all this red? After eliminating the possibility that a Red Dawn scenario had occurred while I was away, I figured it must be some sort of new fad for all the cattle to follow. I began to prepare my defense against the eventual verbal insults by the army of Mongoloids who spend most of their time worrying about what other people are or aren’t wearing. Maybe a cattle prod this time around. A cattle prod would go great with my belief that they’re just a herd of clueless consumers who graze from trend to trend.
As I went about my day-to-day life in the city, I began to notice an abundance of Philadelphia Phillies paraphernalia. Everywhere I went, I heard conversations about “Them fightin’ Phils”, some asshole named Chase Utley, and “OMG WORLD CHAMPIONS”. I then vaguely remembered a phone conversation with my sister where she mentioned that the city’s baseball team had won the World Series. After putting two and two together, I felt the impact of the bandwagon crashing into me. The Phillies had won a championship, so they were popular now. Indeed, baseball was no longer a boring sport for old men to discuss over their morning coffee. People actually gave a shit about this slow-moving snoozefest of “Throw, swing, catch”. Baseball had become the official sport of Philadelphia!
Where were all these people when the Phillies sucked ass for the past decade? I asked many people this, and usually got the same response: “I’ve always been a Phils fan!” Really assholes? Because I sure as fucking hell don’t recall seeing any Phillies jerseys before they won the World Series in 2008. I didn’t hear anyone spouting off their starting line-up. I can’t recall any bars broadcasting a Phillies game for the nightly congregation of buzz-cut assholes who call everyone “Bro” or their skanky female counterparts who let grandma raise their kids for them while they’re out slutting it up every night. Stop this “Life-long fan” bullshit, you fucking assholes. You didn’t give two shits about the team until they won the championship. I know it, you know it, and everyone else knows it.
Seriously, it wouldn’t be so bad if these people didn’t pretend that they always gave a shit about the team. It’s okay to just start liking something because you had your attention drawn to it by others. But every time I see one of these assholes sporting a “Life-long Phan” shirt with the Phillies logo on it, I want to hang them by it. You aren’t a life-long fan simply because you were also a fair-weather fan back in the early 80’s, which is the last time they won the World Series. And stop with this bullshit of substituting the letter “F” with “Ph”. It’s phuckin’ phaggoty. See? That looks gay as shit, doesn’t it? Usage of the nickname “Phightin’ Phils” should be an offense punishable by life imprisonment in a concentration camp, and will be when I become the Anti-Christ in like a year.
Baseball is boring as shit, anyway. It’s slow-paced and repetitive. Here’s the summary of every baseball game ever:
“Pitcher steps up to the plate, throws the ball. Batter swings and (hits/misses/gets hit with the ball and walks)! Outfielder (catches/drops/stands there holding his dick because the batter missed) the ball! The crowd (goes wild/boos/doesn’t give a shit)!”
Once in a great while, you get something awesome, like some dumb-ass in the crowd getting hit with a stray ball or both teams pouring off of the bleachers to brawl, but that’s like finding $20 on the ground.
Baseball sucks, and so do fair-weather fans. Especially fair-weather Phillies fans. I don’t care about baseball or the Phillies, and never will. If that makes me a fag, then call me Sean Penn and give me Scarlett Johannsen as a cover-up story. No, seriously, give me Scarlett Johannsen. She’s hot.
Angry editorial from the Daily News titled “Yo Angry Jerk!” in 5…
Free speech is a double-edged sword
The Supreme Court has ruled 8-1 that the Westboro Baptist Church has the right to protest at the funerals of dead soldiers.
Everyone is up in arms about this decision, claiming that the church is abusing freedom of speech and disrespecting the families of these dead soldiers. I don’t think that there’s anybody (aside from the church, and they don’t count) who disagrees with this. Fred Phelps and his congregation are quite possibly some of the biggest assholes to ever walk the Earth, and I’m honestly very surprised that some disgruntled veteran hasn’t picked him off. It’s not like he’s the president and protected by high levels of security. All one would have to do is gain access to a decent vantage point (not hard to find in a city), place a couple in his head and upper chest area with a cheap sniper rifle, then get the fuck out of there before the police deduce the area the shot came from, which I’d wager would take more than 5 minutes. Cameras and witnesses aren’t a problem if you know how to use disguises. Seriously, it’s that easy, and I’m surprised it hasn’t even been attempted yet.
That said, I’m glad to hear that the Supreme Court ruled the way they did. Why? Because hateful and inflammatory speech is still free speech, as wrong as it may sound sometimes. It’s a very slippery slope, and if we start outlawing hateful and inflammatory speech soon we’ll be outlawing speech against the government and anyone with a large financial backing. Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up to go to the funeral of a fallen soldier and say that they’re burning in Hell. Unfortunately, the one pitfall of free speech is having to hear things that you don’t want to hear. If we outlaw their asshole-ish protesting at funerals because people don’t want to hear it, eventually we’ll have to outlaw protesting at government buildings, because the politicians and their supporters don’t want to hear it. Want to protest Walmart’s raping of small businesses? Too bad, Walmart doesn’t want to hear it, so shut the fuck up and live with it.
Thankfully, freedom of speech is a double-edged sword. Now that the WBC is promising to quadruple their protests, we can expect to see much more counter-protesting going on. Groups like the Patriot Guard Riders are only the beginning. I have no doubts that eventually the protests will turn violent and result in casualties on the side of the WBC. Maybe they can even be goaded into turning militant, and we can have another Waco-style event ending in most of their church being brutally massacred by the Feds.
In any case, the WBC has the right to be assholes, and the people they’re protesting have the right to retaliate and kick the fucking shit out of Fred Phelps and his roving band of retards. All the frivilous lawsuits in the world won’t repair broken bones, internal bleeding, and missing teeth.