You know you’re a 90’s kid when you won’t shut the fuck up about it

I am a 90’s kid.

I grew up watching “Rugrats”, “Street Sharks”, “All That”, “The Amanda Show”, and “Power Rangers”. I collected pogs, played with Z-Bots, and couldn’t take a side in the Console Wars because I loved both my Sega Genesis and my Super Nintendo. I remember being psyched as shit for the live-action Ninja Turtles movie. I had all my favorite movies on VHS, and had the Space Jam soundtrack on cassette tape. The song my 5th grade class sung for graduation? “I Believe I Can Fly”. The day my crush gave me a gimp she made herself, I nearly pissed myself with delight. I used to fight with my mom all the time about not being allowed to watch “Beavis and Butthead”. My first computer was an old Tandy 2000, and I used to spend most of my time on it playing Colossal Cave Adventure and talking to a chatbot named Eliza. My biggest crushes were the Olsen twins, and I secretly enjoyed “The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley” just because of this. Me and my friends would argue about who was a better running back, Emmitt Smith or Barry Sanders (Emmitt Smith). I also remember sitting on my friend’s step blasting “The Ruff Riders Anthem” at 10 AM, and giggleshitting ourselves to death when the sudden gunshots and “TALK IS CHEAP MOTHERFUCKER” came on.

Yes, I remember all of that shit like it was yesterday. This was my childhood, my past. These are memories I will always keep with me throughout my life (granted all the booze doesn’t kill my brain). Unfortunately, we have a very large and very vocal majority of idiots who don’t want to let the past go, preferring to live forever in their childhood memories like a bunch of Toys R’ Us Kids (I also remember the old jingle from the commercials).

Normally I would just ostracize these people as I do with 95% of the pathetic excuses that pass themselves off as people and go about my life, but this is getting out of hand.

We now have legions of assholes who were born at the tail end of the 90’s claiming to be 90’s kids. The halls of Facebook are rife with stupid Millenials claiming to be 90’s kids, then posting memes (straight off of 9gag and Reddit, the two biggest pillars of faggotry on the internet) of shit like “Hey Arnold” and “Catdog”. Yes, technically “Hey Arnold” and “Catdog” were 90’s cartoons since they came out in the late 90’s. Chances are though, most of you grew up watching these shows in the 2000’s. The 00’s. Hmm, did we ever come up with an actual word for that decade? I don’t fucking know. All I know is, if your definitive cartoons for the 90’s were “Hey Arnold”, “Catdog”, and anything else that came after 1997 then chances are you weren’t actually a 90’s kid, so hop off the bandwagon.

Not that the real 90’s kids are any better. You guys weren’t content with letting the past stay in the past, and you want your skewed vision of a “perfect” past to also be the future. Great job on “Girl Meets World”, fellas. It’s really on par with “Boy Meets World”, which was also a festering pile of shit whose only possible saving grace might have been the chick who played Topanga. I can’t wait to see “Fuller House”. Obviously Bob Saget’s forced shock-comic act wasn’t panning out, and the last relevant thing that Dave Coulier did was “Full House”, but I can’t figure out for the life of me why John Stamos would want anything to do with this shit. Et tu, John? All these years I’ve modelled my appearance after you, my idol. But now, I just, I don’t know anymore man.

Let’s be real here people, the 90’s sucked just about as much ass as the 80’s. There’s a reason most of that shit died out. It’s okay to have fond memories of your childhood. It’s okay to reminisce about your favorite toys and games. It’s even okay to download the old cartoons you used to watch as a kid, then get drunk and baked and watch them. It’s not okay to obsess over them to the point where you’re adorning yourself in t-shirts of your favorite cartoons, flooding my Facebook feed with generic “20 things only 90’s kids will understand!” links from BuzzFeed, and demanding remakes, reboots, and sequels of your favorite 90’s movies and TV shows. Faggots like you are what’s causing our culture to become stagnant. By 2030 we’re going to be caught in a perpetual cycle of being completely reliant on the fads of the previous generation, spewing out the same rehashed garbage over and over.

Maybe it’s time to start over.

Exploit the system, reboot the world.