Pokemon GO sucks, and so do the people who play it.
All across the country, dipshits are raving about Pokemon GO like it’s the second coming of Ronnie James Dio. For those of you who live under a fucking rock and don’t know what Pokemon GO is, I envy you like a UN Peacekeeper envies a preschool teacher. Pokemon GO is a virtual reality app for your gay ass iPhone or other “smart” phone that lets you walk around catching Pokemon IRL using your phone’s camera. I’m not 100% sure how this works, since I’m a grown ass man who ISN’T stuck in my childhood like the rest of this bullshit generation. From the pictures I’ve seen, the app uses your camera (and a fuckton of your battery life) and randomly generates a 3D Pokemon on the screen. There’s also more features, like Poke Stops or some shit. Like I said, I didn’t play this bullshit. I’ve got actual responsibilities to attend to that don’t involve walking/driving around catching fake creatures.
Does it look awesome? Fuck yes, if I was 12 years old again I’d be all up in this complete with an Ash Ketchum hat. Or maybe not, since my parents were usually too poor to get me the latest toys and gadgets. I was the kid who played with “Power Force” instead of Power “Rangers”.
I was the only kid on my block with this shit.
Problem is, I’m not 12 anymore, and neither are 99.9% of the people playing Pokemon GO. No self-respecting adult over the age of 21 should be playing Pokemon GO. And yet, my Facebook is rife with assholes talking about their latest catch, or how they spent half an hour walking the streets only to have to go back because the app drained their battery. Gotta occupy their time somehow, since it’s not like any of them actually work. While I’m busting my ass 50 hours a week to pay rent and bills, these assholes are living at home with mommy and daddy, sleeping in until 1 in the afternoon, which is when they wake up to go live out their childhood dreams of being Pokemon masters.
Alright, maybe that was a bit unfair. SOME of them work. Just the other day at work I caught one of my employees playing this shit on the clock. I’m not a company man by any stretch but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let some little cocksneeze fuck around while everyone else is hard at work. I approached him and demanded to know what he was doing. A pointless question, since I already knew the answer despite his best effort to tuck his phone out of my sight. “Just checking the time!”, the little skidmark lied. “Oh?” I asked. “What time is it then?” “Uh, uh, uh…” Caught in the act, retard. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. What are you actually doing?” “P-playing Pokemon G-g-GO!” Skidmark stammered, clearly flustered that his boss caught him in a lie and called him on it. I’m a firm yet fair boss though, so I was prepared to let it slide. “This is your only warning. Don’t play games on the clock. Now put it away.” “B-b-but I’m about to catch a Mankey yo!” Bitch, say what? I was kind enough to give him a warning, and he disrespected me by pretty much telling me “Wait a minute”? The only thing this little shithead caught was a right-cross to the face. I also caught something, which was shit from the employee’s union for assaulting another employee. I lied and told the union and upper-management that he said something racist (I’m black from the waist-down, I run pretty damn fast), and Skidmark got fired instead of me. Good riddance you lazy millenial piece of shit.
Kind of like Team Rocket, we also have groups of borderline-retarded morons banding together to form IRL groups. I’ve heard the name “Team Valor” being thrown around a lot. Apparently they pretty much have run of my area when it comes to Pokemon GO. I heard that a group of these assholes decided to create a fake “Poke Lure” (whatever that is) to lure unsuspecting idiots to a certain point so they could rob them. While I give Team Valor points for fucking with Pokemon GO users, I have to subtract twice that amount of points for being Pokemon GO users themselves. You guys are losers just like the rest of the players, get fucked Team Valor.
I’m forming my own team, Team AngryJerkDotNet (simplified to Team AJDN since I’m a firm but fair boss). We don’t actually play Pokemon GO, and any members that are found to be actual Pokemon GO players will be forced to chug a bottle of Yukon Jack and chase it down with a 2 liter of Dr. Pepper. Our purpose is to fuck with Pokemon GO players in any way possible. Exploit the game, rob them, whatever you wanna do (but I absolve myself of blame if you break the law and get caught, I’ve got a legal team and a short yet catchy defense already prepared in case some dickhead tries to shift the blame my way). Team AJDN doesn’t give a fuck, and neither do I. That’s our motto, BTW. “We don’t give a fuck.” Team AJDN represents the demographic of 20-30 year olds who are actually mature adults who don’t give a fuck about a kid’s game and are tired of the bullshit that’s ensuing from it. For fuck’s sake, people are causing traffic accidents for this shit. If anyone hits my car because they’re playing this gay game they’ll be catching a ride to the ER after I punch their goddamn eye right out of its socket.
Fuck this game and fuck the losers sperging out over it.
Hiro Shima