I hate coffee

Coffee is disgusting, and coffee addicts are annoying assholes.

I can’t understand how so many people love coffee. Everything about coffee is fucking disgusting and repulsive. The bitter taste, the overpowering smell, the obnoxious gurgling sound it makes as it brews, the disgusting color that looks like shit, and the rough feel of the grounds. Coffee literally encompasses all the senses with shit.

And god forbid it’s some kind of scented brew. It’s like when you take an early morning shit after a night of heavy drinking and it smells like spoiled cream of broccoli soup, so you attempt to hide the smell by spraying half the can of Fabreeze. But since Fabreeze doesn’t actually work worth a damn, you just end up with the smell of shit accented with the overpowering smell of Hawaiian Breeze. That “Vanilla Dream” coffee basically smells like vanilla-scented shit.

When I was 5 years old, my father left his coffee cup unattended for a moment to go do something in the other room. I snuck a taste of his coffee, since I was curious and my parents would never let me drink it when I asked them. Big mistake. I instantly spit it out and screamed “What the fuck is this shit?” My house immediately turned into an ass-kicking factory, as my mom came out with a wooden spoon and my dad came out with a belt and they both began beating my ass for cursing. It was like the Dudley Boyz vs the Rock, if the Rock was some scrawny little 5 year old who spent more time in front of an NES than should legally be allowed. My parents threw me through a folding table and everything, shit was crazy. I now know that their refusal to let me drink coffee at age 5 wasn’t so much the fact that caffeine would have sent my already-hyperactive ass to the moon as much as it was they didn’t want me to damage my tastebuds with that God-awful shit. Thanks for loving me, mom and dad.

I tried coffee yet again when I was 19. I tried it black, I tried it with cream, I tried it with sugar, I tried cappuccino, I tried fucking everything to make it not taste like shit. It still tasted like shit. And to make matters worse, I was now old enough to fully appreciate the fact that it left a bitter and nasty after taste that would only go away after pounding down hard liquor. And even then, it only went away because I blacked out. Yeah, coffee tastes so nasty that the only way to get the taste out of your mouth is to get fucked up on Yukon Jack and black out for 9 hours.

“But AJ, if this was true then why would anybody drink it? Coffee is (boring ass history of coffee, and stupid statistics about coffee consumption that I’m too lazy to look up)!”

I have a theory about why some people love coffee so much, and it goes hand-in-hand with why so many people drink shitty beers like Miller Light or Natty Ice. Much like Miller Light or Natty Ice, a cup of coffee is cheap and helps you get that fix of that stimulant your body is craving. The first 5 or 6 Millers or Natties taste like ass going down, but after 8 or so you become numb to its shittiness and stop tasting it. Same thing with coffee, after drinking enough of it for so long your tastebuds adapt and you no longer taste how shitty it is. I have no doubts that if someone were to literally eat shit every day for years, eventually their tastebuds would adapt and they would find shit palatable.

And coffee addicts are some of the worst people in existence. You can spot a coffee addict from a mile away, because they’re usually prattling away to everyone around them at a mile a minute while frantically moving their empty hand around in eight directions and dimensions at once. The other hand is of course occupied by their latest cup of liquid shit that they procured from “Dunkin”. Dunkin Donuts fucking sucks at everything, their stores are always staffed by ignorant apathetic assholes, their donuts are ridiculously expensive, their breakfast sandwiches use orange welfare cheese, and they’re the primary supplier of annoying coffee addicts in my area. Fuck Dunkin Donuts for being part of the problem, and several other problems on top of that.

You might be asking what I drink in the morning for my energy boost, since coffee addicts can’t imagine anyone actually having taste and not liking their bean-based bullshit. I drink tea out of a mug that says “Good Fucking Morning”. Not that sugar-loaded garbage you find refrigerated in a half-gallon jug in the convenience store, REAL FUCKING TEA. Right now I’m drinking a tea from Twinings called “Irish Breakfast”. Twinings is the real fucking deal, no sugar, no additives, no bullshit, just straight up tea. I like my tea the same way I like my women: Strong, black, and bitter. None of that sugar bullshit to cause a crash later and give me diabetes even more later. I’d consider putting honey in it if the price of honey wasn’t more than a barrel of fucking oil. Seriously, as of this writing a 42-gallon barrel of oil is $67.59. That’s about $1.60 a gallon. A 12 ounce container of honey is about $3.00 (and I’m being generous here and using Amazon’s prices, my store sells it for way more). After scaling this up to a gallon, honey is around $31.80 per gallon. A gallon of honey is half as much as a 42 gallon barrel of fucking oil. Jesus Christ. To put that into better perspective, a 42 gallon barrel of oil goes for $67.59, while a 42 gallon barrel of honey would cost $1335.60. We invaded the Middle East to lower the price of oil, can we invade some bee farms and bring the price of honey down next? Milk is a similar ratio, so when we’re done toppling the beekeeper regime and spreading democracy to the bees, we can continue with dairy farms. It’ll be our new Axis of Evil.

I digress. Coffee fucking sucks. Enjoy crashing harder than Princess Di, you bean-drinking shitheads.