DEAR JUAN: She’s cheating, how do I catch her?

Hola mi amigos! It is your old pal Señor Juan back with advice!

Many year ago mi amigo Angry_Jerk first hire Juan to splash water on tires of noisy car. Juan no sure why AJ want him do that but Juan need money so Juan do what it takes. Juan learn from Uncle Paco that he no too good for job, that is how Uncle Paco make mucho dinero selling t-shirts to gringo tourist in bar in Mexico. Juan confused when AJ yell at him for doing what he say but then AJ still give Juan more jobs so that is okay. Juan pose for picture with stick and also post on Arthurs Hall of Viking Manliness forum. Juan like Arthurs Hall, Juan is really sad that it is gone now forever.

Time pass and Juan no really talk to AJ anymore. Juan drinking Corona in bar with mi Hermano Rico when strange gringo man come in crying about girl. Man say his name Frosty and tell story about girl he like go back to Cambodia. Juan know this pain very well, Juan miss many señoritas from past. Juan buy Frosty drink, and Frosty offer Juan job giving advice on website I’m Feeling Frosty. Juan like job but Frosty no give Juan steady work and disappear for entire year before come back with policía who tell him he must drink mucho alcohol all of the time because he mucho loco when not drunk. Juan very confused, but Frosty disappear again. Many month go by and Juan no hear from Frosty and see I’m Feeling Frosty website have nothing on it anymore.

One day Juan sit in bodega with mi Hermano Rico having Corona and talk about good old times when AJ walk in follow by Frosty. Frosty scream Juan name, and AJ shake Juan’s hand. AJ give Frosty money and tell him go buy six pack and let AJ talk to Juan. AJ tell Juan that he have very big plans for AngryJerk.net website and he need Juan’s help. AJ see Juan give advice on Frosty website and think Juan do really good job. Juan agree to give advice on AJ website because Juan know AJ more reliable than Frosty.

Juan sit at home three days and wait for email so he give advice. Finally Juan get email from man who think girlfriend cheating on him:

Dear Juan,

My girlfriend and I have been together for just over two years. During that time I have been nothing but kind, loving, and faithful.

Sadly, she has not.

In the last two months she has grown cold and distant. On the rare night she isn’t working late she spends her evening in front of the computer talking to someone I don’t know on Skype. I’m also kind of confused about the “working late” part, since she teaches preschool. How many preschools are open until 11 at night, Juan? None!

I want to say something to her about it, but I’m not really the confrontational type. And what if I’m wrong? Then I look like a huge jerk! I wouldn’t be so afraid if I had concrete proof first. So I guess what I’m asking you Juan is how do I catch her cheating?

-Stevie B.

Ey Stevie, Juan feel your pain.

One time many year ago Juan in love with Señorita Sofia. Juan spend many nights with Señorita Sofia under moon looking at stars in sky. Juan also spend many nights with Señorita Sofia having hot crazy sex. Juan make Señorita Sofia scream like mi Hermano Rico at first donkey show. Juan have time of his life with Señorita Sofia and never want it to end. But one day Juan come over to Señorita Sofia casa and find Dirty Pablo already there. Juan ask why Dirty Pablo there and why he no wear shirt. Señorita Sofia tell Juan it is time to move on and find new love. Juan ask why Señorita Sofia choose Dirty Pablo, he no take shower and no have job. Señorita Sofia say he is bad boy and know what woman want. Dirty Pablo tell Juan go fuck yourself. Juan tell Dirty Pablo enjoy sloppy seconds. Dirty Pablo try to beat up Juan but trip and fall on steps. Juan laugh and walk away. Juan walk away from cheating Señorita Sofia too.

Señor Stevie, you must be like Juan. Juan walk away from Señorita Sofia. You walk away from cheating woman too. Juan very sure she cheating on you because no daycare open until 11 at night. When she say daycare she really mean dirty motel room where she have sex with man she talk to on Skype. Juan know you no want to hear this but you must be strong señor. You no let woman bring you down. You tell her “ey puta I no stupid baboso, you cheat on me with dumb idiot man. Go fuck yourself, and you too dumb idiot man”.

Now Juan tell you how to catch cheating woman.

First you must get information. What time she actually leave daycare and meet dumb idiot man at dirty motel? You have friend who help you by waiting outside of daycare. If you no have friend then make some, it is not hard, Juan make many friends all of the time. Uncle Paco once make friend with Subcomandante Marcos. If Uncle Paco make friend with Subcomandante Marcos then you make many friends. If she know friend already tell him to wear costume. Sunglasses and hat always work, you no see many gringo movies where gringo hero wear hat and sunglasses and everybody else suddenly stupid and not know who he is? Have friend watch woman and see where she go and what dumb idiot man look like. Do this for two week make sure she go to same place all the time.

Next you must prepare. Yes you catch her in act, then what you do? You have big performance ahead of you Señor Stevie, you must not have stage fright at last minute. What you say to her when you find her with dumb idiot man? Is very important you say something cool and clever. Juan suggest you say “Daddy is home puta!” When she start to argue you must tell her “Quiet puta or daddy take off belt!” You can reach for belt but no actually take it off and hit her because that is illegal. You probably no say that though because it no sound good. Juan laugh when he write it but Juan realize now is no good idea.

Do not forget about dumb idiot man. Dumb idiot man try and say he no know woman have boyfriend but he lying because why else woman meet him at dirty motel? Tell dumb idiot man you are not dumb idiot man, he is. If dumb idiot man is bigger than you then you must become bigger than him before you do this. Juan suggest you lift many weights for two month, it is easy Juan do it every day. You lift many weight and eat many protein in two month and you become strong like el burro. Grow manly beard too, is bad ass and nobody fuck with you except many señoritas who want to have sex with you.

Then day before you catch cheating woman you tell her you have to go away for night to take care of sick abuelita or visit friend from gringo college. Go to dirty motel she stay at and park car in spot she no see. Shave head and trim beard so you look like strong man Juan see pulling truck in contest. Also tell friend to watch house for cheating woman have dumb idiot man come there instead.

Is better if cheating woman take dumb idiot man to motel but it no matter where she take him because everything still same.

On day you go catch her, eat many burritos five or six hour before. Make sure you put on mucho hot sauce. This very important and you see why soon. When you find cheating woman with dumb idiot man you knock on door and in fake voice say “I have pizza for you señor!” Woman say she no order pizza but dumb idiot man answer door anyway because he dumb idiot man who think he get pizza. What he really get is poop. Before he open door pull down your pants and point ass at door. When dumb idiot man open door you must poop on him. This is why you eat many burritos with mucho hot sauce. Dumb idiot man will say “ey señor why you poop on me?” Then you pull up pants and show face. Cheating woman get scared because you catch her with dumb idiot man. Dumb idiot man get scared because you look like strong man he see pull truck in contest and you poop on him too. Punch dumb idiot man in face, tell cheating woman go fuck herself. Maybe she try to cry and say she sorry or maybe she blame you. Every time she open mouth to talk you must fart very loud and laugh. Tell her she no live with you anymore and call friend and tell him to give all her underwear to homeless man on corner who beg for change. Then draw penis on dumb idiot man with marker and leave while sing ACDC song “TNT”.

Juan know this seem like mucho work, but Señor Stevie it is this or you talk to her about feelings. It is easy to talk about feelings than make crazy scheme to poop on dumb idiot man. You talk to cheating woman like adult or you spend two month making plan to poop on person. Everyone know poop joke is for children so Juan think choice is simple. Tell cheating woman that you think she cheat and tell her why you think she cheat. Unless she have really good reason for working until 11 at night in daycare you must tell her “Adios puta” because no matter how sorry she is you never trust her again. And relationship with no trust like taco with no meat, is empty shell.

Best of luck to you amigo.

Do you have a problem and need Señor Juan’s advice? Drop Juan a line at [email protected]!