I finally got around to watching the first season of Stranger Things.
Indeed, I had put off watching this series because of its fanbase in a major display of hypocrisy. As I’ve said before, things don’t necessarily suck just because their fans do. Game of Thrones fans are some of the most obnoxious, pushy people on the planet, coming in just below Wiccans, vegans, people who vape, and Trump bashers/supporters. Yet, when I watched GoT, I found myself enjoying it immensely. I’ll never read the books, as far as I care to know there’s only one song of fire and ice and that was sung by Pat Benatar, but still the TV series was great, and I understand why it had mass appeal.
But this isn’t about Game of Thrones. This is about the first season of Stranger Things. If you can ignore the “ZOMG GUIZ THE 80’S TOTALLY HAPPENED!!!!” nostalgia bullshit that could give even Seth MacFarlane a run for his money, Stranger Things is actually a very good, solid, entertaining show. I understand list-style articles are all the rage now, and quite frankly I don’t feel like putting too much effort into writing this article, so suck it up and deal bitch. #4 will blow your fucking mind!
1. That’s no demogorgon, that’s just Keith Richards on a drug binge.
Am I the only one who realized the truth about the so-called “demogorgon”? I figured it out the first time we saw his silhouette:
Staggering around the woods in the middle of the night chasing people down? Crashing a group of teens drinking next to a pool? Come on, it’s obvious that it’s just Keith Richards looking for his next fix.
Want more proof? The Upside-Down dimension is covered in snot and has white snow-like shit floating around in it. Exactly like what I imagine the inside of Keith’s nose would look like. But the real giveaway to this fact is how the “demogorgon” is attracted to blood. Keith is obviously snooping (and snorting) around Hawkins for another one of his patented Keith Richards Blood Transfusions™.
2. They killed Big Booty Barb.
As any Trailer Park Boys fan knows, Barb’s scalloped potatoes are fucked, but did she deserve to die? Fuck no!
While everyone was busy pining over that skinny Nancy bitch, they were completely oblivious to the real show-stopper: the phat-ass ginger. This woman, this vision of Aphrodite, this fine sexy beautiful work of art, got no respect and I don’t know why. What is wrong with the dudes at Hawkins High School? I’m not even into eating ass, but holy shit I would give anything just to have her sit on my face (no fart fetish stuff though, that shit’s weird). I would eat that ass like a bowl of cereal.
The camera crew didn’t even seem to want to show us that Barb Booty, I just spent half an hour trying to find a scene to screenshot so I could illustrate my point. I instead had to go searching out the actress, a one Miss Shannon Purser. I still could not find anything that highlights just how phat dat ass really is, so you’ll just have to trust me on this one:
I am something of an expert on female anatomy, so I can tell that underneath those baggy ill-fitting clothes lies the booty of a goddess. Not only was Barb beautiful (and booty-ful), she was also humble and modest. This was clearly a clever choice by the costume crew, as otherwise we the audience would have spent most of our time obsessing over Barb, thus making it hard to kill her off.
I demand more of Shannon Purser in everything I watch, and in my bed.
3. Hopper is fucking badass.
Hopper pops pills and downs beers like he just doesn’t give a fuck, but can we talk about his REAL feat of badassery for just a minute? I’m talking about the scene where he just walks right into the research lab and kicks everyone’s ass until he reaches the dimensional rift. Did he do some James Bond social engineering Solid Snake stealth bullshit? Fuck no, he just walked right in like he owned the place, merking the shit out of anyone who got in his way:
Dude literally brute-forced his way into a top secret facility that was guarded by the military and ran by the CIA. Holy fucking shit. All these people talking about storming Area 51 are idiots, just send Hopper in and he’ll find the aliens.
I want to see a series of action movies based on Hopper where he just forces his way into heavily guarded facilities. Then we can have cross-overs like “Hopper vs Predator” or “Freddy vs Jason vs Hopper” and all kinds of cool shit like that. Oh man, I think I got a stiffy just from reading that. Wait no, I still have that picture of Barb up, that’s why I have a stiffy.
4. Will! Will! WILL!
5. The Nancy/Steve/Jonathan love triangle is literally Twilight.
Nancy is Bargain Bin Bella, Steve is Discount Edward Cullen, and Jonathan is Knock-Off Jacob.
Don’t believe me? Look for yourself:
This whole love triangle was stupid, and felt like something I’d see in a knock-off version of Twilight. It would be called something like “Dusk Til Dawn” and end up getting riffed by Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Steve Harrington had the second most punchable face in the series. Jonathan was a fucking creep and deserved to have his camera smashed. If I was Nancy I’d have chosen Barb over both of these losers. You could just tell that Barb wanted to lez it up with Nancy, and I was very disappointed that this didn’t happen. I would have gladly been the meat in a Barb/Nancy sandwich (BOTH THE ACTRESSES WERE 18 OR OLDER DURING TIME OF FILMING, FUCK OFF), if only just so I could have Barb sit on my face while- you know what, I’m getting sidetracked here.
These three characters were rip-offs of Twilight characters. Still, a better love story than Twilight.
6. I want to punch Dustin in his face.
Steve had the second most punchable face in the series, but Dustin took the trophy on this one by a mile:
Fuck this goober, he did nothing but piss me off in every scene he was in. As if his punchable face wasn’t enough, they also gave him the most annoying voice in the whole series. No wonder he was missing all his front teeth, this kid probably gets punched in the mouth on a routine basis.
The second saddest scene in the whole series (Barb’s death of course being the first) was when Elle stopped the bullies from cutting Dustin with the knife. I really hated this little shit, I wanted the demogorgon to maul him to death so much but it never happened.
It should come as no surprise, but Dustin’s actor is slated to do a Netflix prank show where he plays pranks on people looking for jobs. Is it possible that Netflix hates this little cunt as much as I do, and is in fact setting him up to get got? God I fucking hope so.
7. Will’s dad could have ended things at any minute.
Hopper had the situation under control the whole time, but had Hopper not been around Will’s dad would have dealt with the demogorgon in one phone call:
I’m about 95% certain that Will’s dad, Lonnie, was in fact a mafioso. Just look at him, he looks like he belongs with the guys from Goodfellas:
Demogorgon? Aw, fuggedaboutit! One phone call and Timmy No-Neck and the boys from the union will be down in Hawkins before you know it breaking that fuckin’ schnook’s legs. In fact, the only reason Lonnie didn’t call his “family” was because he didn’t want to incur the wrath of Hopper. Next thing you know, Hopper would be barging into some Italian restaurant in New York City like the goddamn Punisher, stomping everyone’s ass just for even attempting to cut in on his action.
Stranger Things really isn’t bad, though the over-bearing 80’s nostalgia can be very off-putting at times. Once you look past that though, you have a solid sci-fi series with a decent story, good pacing, and a fair cast of actors/actresses. I’d recommend Season 1 as a great way to spend 8 hours on a Saturday or Sunday.
I rate the first season of Stranger Things a 7/10.
What did you think about the first season of Stranger Things? Let me know in the comments!