Want to know the Truth™ about fluoride? Read on!
Welcome back, readers. I’m Alex Jonestown, proprietor of Truth Troopers, your one-stop shop for the Truth™, the whole Truth™, and nothing but the Truth™. So help me God!
Readers, what do you know about fluoride? You probably think you know the Truth™. You’re probably sitting there saying to yourself “Jonesy’s finally gonna do it, he’s finally gonna expose the Truth™ about fluoride and how The Powers That Be are poisoning us by dumping it into our water supply!”
You don’t know one goddamn thing about fluoride!
For decades now there’s been talk of some great fluoride conspiracy, how The Powers That Be are using it to dumb us down and keep us docile like a fat happy herd of Texas steer. “They’re making us dumb!”, the people scream. “We’ve gotta get fluoride out of our water!”
There IS a great fluoride conspiracy, but it’s not what you think it is!
You want to know the Truth™ about the fluoride conspiracy?
“Aw hell Jonesy, of course I do! That’s why I’m here in the first place!”
The Truth™ about the fluoride conspiracy is there is no conspiracy.
That’s right, readers. This one’s a good old fashioned 100% bonafide false flag! The rumors of fluoride being bad for you are unfounded and untrue! Fluoride has been shown to have a positive effect on dental health, working to reduce the risk of tooth decay and cavities. In high levels, yes, fluoride is toxic. But the levels in our water supply aren’t high enough to hurt you.
Now here’s where the real conspiracy comes into play!
Ask yourself just who in God’s name would want to convince millions of Americans that fluoride is bad. Who would benefit from American dental hygiene going down the toilet?
I’ll tell you who: The British Royal Family!
That’s right readers, good old King Charles and his family are the ones churning out this false flag conspiracy theory about fluoride being bad for your health! The royals are so arrogant, so conceited and self-assured, that they expect you to believe their lies, lies which fly directly in the face of decades of scientific research and evidence. They think you’re an idiot, they think you’re stupid enough to ignore those decades of research and go against those scientists. They want to destroy America’s trust in its own scientists, because they know our scientists are the best. The British Royal Family is trying to stifle our progress and destroy our teeth!
“Okay Jonesy, last time it was some crap about frost giants. Now you’re telling me the British are trying to destroy my teeth? Why the hell would they even do that? This doesn’t make any goddamn sense, I think you’re full of shit!”
Lying, crying, I’m not shedding a tear!
The royals have a reason for wanting to destroy our teeth, and that reason is retaliation!
No, it’s not payback for the American Revolution, the revolution which The Powers That Be directed and choreographed to further establish their dominion across this big blue marble we call Earth. That’s water under the London Bridge. The Truth™ about the British plot to destroy American dental hygiene is a lot simpler than that. In fact, it’s something so spiteful and petty that it’s like it came right out of a school yard!
Readers, when you think of British people, what are some of the things you think of? Tea? Snooty accents? I’ll tell you what I think of, Troopers. I think of bad teeth!
The anti-fluoride conspiracy is a retaliatory attack on Americans in direct response to our jokes about the British having bad teeth! For years Americans have made fun of the Brits for their teeth, and in retaliation the royal family has conspired to destroy Americans’ teeth by convincing them that fluoride, the very ingredient that’s scientifically proven to prevent tooth decay, is actually bad for them. They’re gaslighting us into ruining our own teeth as part of their sick and twisted revenge plot! It’s a plot so clever that I’d commend the limey bastards if they weren’t trying to destroy America with it! The British monarchy has said to Americans, “You wanna make fun of our teeth? Well guess what bucko? We’re gonna ruin your teeth!”
And it’s working. By God, their sick twisted demented plot is working.
Thanks to this smear campaign against fluoride, Americans now have only the 9th healthiest teeth in the world, while jolly old England has risen to 4th healthiest. They’ve won. Those snooty, tea-swilling limeys have won, and we have nobody to blame for it but ourselves. In our pursuit of the Truth™, we’ve turned our back on it and spit right in the faces of 80 years of scientific research done by some of America’s greatest minds. We fell for their tricks, we fell for their lies, and now our teeth are falling out!
Well I don’t know about you readers, but this proud Texan isn’t gonna just lay down and die! I will fight this insidious plot tooth and nail. Just like those glorious men we know as our Founding Fathers, I too will stand against the British monarchy and declare my independence from their damn dirty lie! I will plant my Tree of Truth™ right on the bank of their river of lies, and I will water that Tree of Truth™ with good old fashioned American science, the best goddamned science in the entire world! We whooped your butts once King Charles, and we sure as hell can do it again believe you me!
Drink the water folks, not the Kool-Aid! Fluoride is safe. And like Mama Jonestown told me when I was a little boy, don’t forget to brush your teeth!