It’s time for another trip into the past.
No, this isn’t another AJnet Archives article. It’s also not part of the Rantlister Archives, even though I could include it there on a technicality.
Way back in September of 2021, I republished an article originally written by my good friend DrakeGTA, a recipe for hash browns. As I mentioned in the article, Drake passed away on September 15th, 2021. As I also mentioned in the article, I wanted to eventually repost more of his old articles to prevent them from being forever lost to the ravages of time. I also mentioned this again when I reposted Bagoda’s interview with Drake for Rantlister.
It’s almost three whole years later, but I’m finally delivering. I’ve scraped some more of Drake’s old articles from the Internet Archive and will be republishing them sporadically. I don’t know if I’m going to publish all of his old articles, I may decide to only publish the ones I think are the best, I have no idea yet. I’ve also bought his original domain name, DrakeGTA.com, so a dedicated archive of his old writing isn’t entirely out of the question. In the event Amanda is reading this, if there’s anything of your late husband’s that you’d like me to republish, please send it to me.
The article I’m reposting today is, in my opinion, a classic of his. It’s one that’s always kind of stuck with me because of the story behind it and the response it got.
On DrakeGTA, one of the things Drake tried to do was create characters. He had several different aliases that he published articles under, one of them being Ttam, a socially inept guy who wears a Tron suit out in public. The character was based off of this picture:
Ttam’s first article, the one I’ll be sharing here today, was “Do Not Fuck With My Tron Suit”, and was written as a parody of a guest article submitted to SnipeMe, “Do Not Fuck With My Wheelchair”. The original article on SnipeMe was written by a wheelchair-bound guy named Matt and was a list of annoying things people did to his wheelchair. Drake decided to have a little fun and parodied the article by changing a bunch of words around to make it seem like someone was ranting about their Tron suit. Was it an asshole move? Yeah, kind of. But I thought it was funny as hell.
Unfortunately, Matt didn’t, and from what I was told neither did some of the other folks at SnipeMe. It was interpreted as a personal attack, and from what I remember it started a small beef between Drake and Galen (I could be wrong about this, it was a long time ago). Drake would tell me years later that the reason he made the parody was because he felt the original article came across as douchy, even if Matt wasn’t wrong in his complaints. I don’t think anything serious ever came from the beef other than a few annoyed email exchanges and angry forum posts on the Sniper Forums, but feathers were definitely ruffled over the piece. It was simple, silly, and it upset the apple cart, so naturally it became one of my favorite DrakeGTA pieces, and to this day whenever I reminisce about Drake I think of “Do Not Fuck With My Tron Suit”.
With that backstory out of the way, here’s “Do Not Fuck With My Tron Suit”, originally posted to DrakeGTA.com on July 30, 2009.
Good evening assholes! My name is Ttam. For those who don’t know, I’m socially disabled and I can’t judge what is socially accepted very well. I use a Tron suit to get around because I feel so much cooler than half of the people that are running around downtown. Throughout my life, I’ve dealt with a bunch of people who think it is in some way funny to screw around with my Tron suit. Before I start chewing them out, I have to get this off my chest. The very fact that I’ve dealt with this crap long enough for me to get off my usually lazy ass and type up a rant for drakegta.com is to be frank, seriously disturbing. That means that there are enough people who can’t respect personal property in the world to cause me to type this up and pray that it meets Darian rake’s standards. There are no words in any human language that can adequately convey the degree to which this pisses me off. All of this shit should be common sense. Since it isn’t, I’ll start with the basics. A Tron suit is a fashion device. It isn’t a toy and I do not like people messing around with it. Before you start acting like my mother and say “They’re just playing around,” please read the next few lines very closely. In addition to the fact that I absolutely NEED it to look cool, a Tron suit is expensive as holy hell. A new one can cost about as much as a used fucking car. Repairs can often cost thousands of dollars. If you think it is funny to fuck around with Tron suits, get off your ass and buy your own. If you can’t afford it here are some basic rules.
Rule #1: Do not lean on a Tron suit. A Tron suit is not a leaning post. Do not lean on it. Not only is it annoying, it’s a gross invasion of my personal space. Imagine if you had to deal with a bunch of random assholes and dipshits coming up to you and randomly leaning on you. It would probably piss you off huh? It pisses me off too so don’t do it. If you do, I’ll move and watch you fall on your ass.
Rule #2: Do not sit on the back of a Tron suit. I’m actually amazed I have to write this one. It’s just so fucking stupid that I can’t believe the thought crosses a person’s mind. It can bend the Tron suit’s handles and it would be a pain in the ass to repair. Hell, I’m not sure it could be repaired. Also, my head is dangerously close to your ass. Calling it uncomfortable for me would be a massive understatement. I will move and you will fall.
Rule #3: Do not, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES fuck with the lights. Apparently, some assholes with the maturity of your average preschooler think it’s in some way funny to mess with the lights of a person’s Tron suit. I think the line of logic goes something like this:
“Dur….. Let’s put the lights on this guy’s Tron suit! When he tries to move he’ll glow! Huh huh huh”
If that joke and an actual funny joke were two points on a graph, the line between the two wouldn’t fit in the universe! Let me make this clear: It isn’t funny AND It makes you look like an ignorant dumbfuck! If you touch my lights, I will break your hand. No pun intended.
Rule #4: Do not move the Tron suit around without the owner’s permission unless there is an emergency.
Unlike everyone else on this list, I have no real anger towards these guys. I know they’re actually trying to be helpful. However, if you just go and move me, it kinda makes me feel like crap. Don’t ask me why. It just does. Must be a pride thing or some shit. If you need me to move, all you have to do is ask. If I need help from you, I’ll politely ask. Agreed?
Rule #5 Do not let your kid play in my Tron suit unless they get my permission (or you bribe me with a substantial amount of money). I saved these assholes for last because I hate them the most. I’m talking about parents who won’t keep their kids in line and act like it’s so fucking cute when their kid starts playing around with my Tron suit. In my opinion, the scenario should play out like this :
Kid: *gets in Tron suit when I’m not in it*
Me: Excuse me ma’am your kid is in my Tron suit. It’s expensive and I don’t like people fooling around with it. Can you please get them out of it?
Parent: That’s not yours. * removes kid from Tron suit.*
Me: Thank you.
Unfortunately, most parents aren’t this intelligent. This is how the situation usually plays out:
Kid: *gets in Tron suit*
Me: Excuse me ma-
Parent: Hey look at him he looks so cute playing in Ttam’s Tron suit! Someone get the camera!
Ttam: I do not like-
Person (usually mom, sister, or dad): Relax he’s only playing around!
And this is typically the point where everyone says I’M the bad guy. They’ve gotta be the biggest argument for a mandatory sterilization policy I’ve ever fucking seen! We all know if the kid started playing around with some of their parents’ expensive shit, they’d start wailing on the kid’s ass.
Parents, I don’t give two shits if you think your kids look cute playing in my Tron suit. In fact, if I gave a shit about your opinion AT ALL, I wouldn’t be typing this. The truth of the matter is that you are an unfit parent! Do you want to know why? When you let your kid play with a person’s Tron suit without the owner’s permission, you are teaching them the following things:
A. That it’s ok to screw around with people’s shit if it makes someone else laugh or say that they’re cute.
B. That people with social disabilities don’t have the same rights to personal property that everyone else does.
If you think I’m reading too deep into this shit, please reread rules 1, 2, and 3. If parents would step the fuck up, do their fucking jobs, and teach their kids to respect other people’s property regardless of the owner’s social ability, I probably wouldn’t have to deal with people getting into my personal space and screwing with my brakes all the time.
I’m not asking people to move the world here. I’m just asking you all to give me the same respect I (often grudgingly) give you.
Thank you and good night.
*This is a rant has been a parody of: “Do Not Fuck With My Wheelchair ” by MATT*