I went to the Philadelphia Chinese Lantern Festival

I went to the Philadelphia Chinese Lantern Festival this weekend. Here are some pictures.

It’s right before a five-day weekend and I’m feeling kind of lazy, so I’m not going to bother putting any actual effort into this one. We’ll just go ahead skip the long introductory paragraph about the history of Chinese lantern festivals, how a bunch of us from the office decided to go to the Philadelphia Chinese Lantern Festival, blah blah blah, whatever. This one’s getting phoned in and I’m getting out of here until Monday.

I promise I won’t be DRAGON this article out.

Hahaha, geddit?

Long dragon is long (200 feet to be exact).

Caught this pot-bellied fellow drinking on the job.

Oh, special Fred

Mama dropped him on his head

Now he’s not so bright intead

He’s a little bit special

Just a little bit

The AJnet Organization almost had a new office. Unfortunately, the Chinese outbid us. Our CFO Stephanie is seen here sulking in disgrace while her husband leaves her over her failure.

This monkey version of Loki was rejected by Disney for some reason.

(Insert “Surfin’ Bird” joke here, I’m too lazy to come up with one myself)

Caught a photo of a reptilian shapeshifter.

I was going to make a joke here about Harambe, then I realized it wouldn’t be funny because Harambe was a gorilla not an orangutan.

Then I was going to make a reference to Cory and Trevor from Trailer Park Boys, but I didn’t think a lot of people would get it.

Instead, I’m just going to point out that this orangutan’s head looks like a dick.

That baby orangutan looks like Ben Franklin.

This one was actually a promotion for Bee Movie 2 – The Wasp War.

HOLY SHIT THERE’S A SECRET MILITARY BASE UNDER FRANKLIN SQUARE PARK!!!

(Actually, it’s an unused PATCO station, but still kinda cool I guess)

Before coming to the Philadelphia Chinese Lantern Festival, my girlfriend suggested we go for ramen at Megumi’s. In addition to the ramen I also had two glasses of water. Despite using the bathroom before we left the restaurant I still ended up having to take a huge piss at the festival.

That has nothing to do with this picture though. Every half hour the fountain put on a cool little light show with music and stuff, it was pretty neat.

And now a word from our sponsor, Hunnypie Smallbatch Pizza Pies.

The fuck you lookin at

Taken while being raped by a giraffe.

These sick bastards stood around watching while their buddy raped me.

This was my anus after being giraffe-raped.

When the E kicks in.

When the edible kicks in.

This lantern demonstrates a fishing cat using psychic powers to levitate a fish out of the water.

Or something. idk, I don’t have anything clever for most of these, I just wanted an excuse to post the pictures I took.

mfw I see the concession stand prices

mfw my girlfriend wants ice cream right after I point out the concession stand prices

thicc

This is quite possibly the most flamboyantly gay dragon I’ve ever seen.

And a big gay cock too? That’s a little on the nose, don’t you think?

A tribute to Baphomet at a family event? Not even the Philadelphia Chinese Lantern Festival is safe from satanic influences.

And I suppose that’s the serpent that tempted Adam and Eve. Is nothing sacred anymore?

Hey it’s Lola Bunny.

The Philadelphia Chinese Lantern Festival includes a memorial to legendary rapper DMX.

Ugh, what’s my ex doing here?

The Charlie Sheen exhibit.

(Are Charlie Sheen jokes too dated?)

This one was a promo for Bronycon. I think.

Advertising break!

This article brought to you by Humpty’s Dumplings.

(Seriously, they have good dumplings though)

Here’s a better shot of the fountain light show.

Who the hell is this little turd in the Vans shirt and why is he trying to get tough with me?

We could have been running AJnet from this palace. Instead we’ve gotta run it out of some dump on East Maple Ave. Thanks again Steph.

This lantern looks like my friend’s sister.

I think this is supposed to be Yggdrasill.

I’ve got nothing here, this looks pretty cool and I wish none of those people were there getting in the way. Especially the Chinese girl and her boyfriend.

Just kidding, Hannah.

Alright, I’m gonna wrap it up, don’t want to be accused of DRAGON this article out.

…

Shit, I already made that joke at the beginning, didn’t I?

You know what, I don’t care, this whole article was just a flimsy pretext to share these pictures and plug the lantern festival.

If you’re in the area, you should definitely go check out the Philadelphia Chinese Lantern Festival at Franklin Square. It’s there until August 18th, so you still have plenty of time to go. Tickets are $28 a person but it’s definitely worth it. My pictures didn’t do these lanterns much justice, so go see them yourself.