AJ makes a Four Horsemen. Drunkeness ensues.

I haven’t been updating much. I’d like to say that I’ve been doing something worthwhile with my time, but I’d be lying (okay, I guess working full-time and doing yardwork is worthwhile, technically, sort of). In reality, what I’ve been doing with most of my free time is getting Shrek’d:

AngryJerk.net supports our Ogrelord. SHREK IS LOVE, SHREK IS LIFE.

Nah, that’s not my only beer glass. In fact, I have an absurdly large collection, so much that I need to get a china cabinet at some point down the line to hold them all. Can you believe most places want $200+ for one of those things? What do we say to that, kids? Fuck that!

Anyway, during my drunken shennanigans, Rotten Tom and myself decided to attempt to recreate the notorious “Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse”, which one of our other friends bought for Tom one night at the bar. Traditionally, a Four Horsemen consists of Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker, Jim Beam, and Jameson. Basically it’s four whiskeys that all begin with the letter J. Señor Juan insisted that Jose Cuervo is in it too, but after reminding him we weren’t piss poor Mexicans he fucked off back to his Corona.

So me and Rotten Tom went to recreate this drink, which is nowhere near as awesome as the Abomination of Desolation but still good. After discovering that my drunk ass forgot to buy the Jim Beam earlier, I decided that of all the things from my massive liquor collection Fireball Whiskey was the best substitute. Then we ran into our next problem: We couldn’t remember how much alcohol to use. So we gave it the ol’ 9/11 and decided to wing it (on a side note, if this isn’t already a widespread saying it needs to be ASAP; Get on it, readers).

And by “wing it”, I mean we put in an entire shot of each liquor. That’s four full shots mixed into one glass to be taken as a single mega-shot.

We mixed our mega-shots. Rotten Tom suggested we draw cigarettes to see who would go first. Since I have this rare condition that’s called “Not being a total fucking pussy ass lightweight”, I simply went first. I pounded down my quadruple shot like it was water.

Then came Rotten Tom’s turn. I watched and I waited, but Rotten Tom did not follow my lead. After a whole ten seconds of waiting, I demanded an explanation for his faggotry. “Oh that’s right, they actually made these in double-shot glasses!” Indeed, he was right. This was meant to be taken as a double-shot, not a quadruple-shot. But seeing as I had already taken my mega-shot, this fat fuck wasn’t going to weasle his way out of doing what I had so ignorantly (but still awesomely) done. Putting on my best Jesse Pinkman voice, I said to Rotten Tom “Take the fucking shot, bitch!” Reluctantly, my fat faggot lightweight friend took his mega-shot. He simpered and cried like a fucking pussy, but he managed to choke it down. Afterwards, he promptly demanded the comfort of a large black tranny dick in his mouth. And his ass.

Ten beers and three shots later, Rotten Tom recorded me making death threats directed at fake amateur porn sites like Fake Taxi, where I drunkenly drew my Kabar knife from its holster and slashed my finger open to a point where it kept bleeding well into the next day. I didn’t get stitches, because stitches are for bitch niggas. Said video was locked away in a CIA vault, coincidentially the same one containing the footage of what actually happened to JFK (SPOILER ALERT: JFK’s assassination was actually an elaborate marketing ploy to sell pillbox hats).

To be honest, I’m pretty fucking drunk right now, so my memory of these events may be a wee bit skewed. But probably not. Moral of the story is a Four Horsemen only adds up to a double-shot and not a quadruple shot.

So to recap this article in case you’re a retard with a short attention span, how a normal person makes a Four Horsemen:

The picture doesn’t accurately portray the size of the glass. This is a double shot glass, or at least what they gave me when I asked for a double shot at the bar I stole it from.

How a drunk fucking idiot (that’s me) makes a Four Horsemen:

Yes that’s a chocolate bunny from Easter. Remember how I said before that I sometimes work on articles sporadically over the course of time? This picture is over a month old. It took a lot of time and a lot of booze to finish this shitty half-assed article.

Checkmate, atheists.

Toblerone bars are fucking awesome

Behold, the apex of candy:

For you heathen bastards who don’t recognize this work of edible epicness, it’s a Toblerone bar. What the fuck is a Toblerone bar, you ask? It’s everything your pathetic and plebian ass will never be.

Created in the Swiss Alps by a lumberjack (rumored to be Yukon Jack, creator of the eponymous Canadian whiskey), this candy is forged from decimated boulders, ram horns, and the bones of defeated Nazi troops. It also has a hint of chocolate and honey.

Anyone who doesn’t like Toblerone bars is a faggot. Seth MacFarlane has gone on record saying that he doesn’t like Toblerone bars (source). I guess he’d prefer to munch down on a large black cock. Are you as much of a faggot as this douchebag:

Because if you don’t like Toblerone bars, you are on par with a smug liberal douchebag who likes campy 80’s references, musicals, and talking animals. You probably drive a Prius or a Kia too, you fucking spermlord.

Insults aside, here is a comprehesive list of reasons why Toblerone bars are fucking awesome:

1. I said so.

2. Stone Cold said so.

FACTOID: Right after this picture was taken the lights went out and the tolling of bells was heard. When the lights came back on, the Undertaker was standing in front of Stone Cold. Taker glared menacingly at Stone Cold, before drawing his hand across his throat in a slicing motion and uttering “Wrestlemania.” The lights went out again, and when they came back on Taker was gone, along with Stone Cold’s giant Toblerone bar.

3. Honey and chocolate both have a myriad of health benefits. Use Google on this one, it’s actually true.

4. Grace Slick used to eat them.

5. Your mom eats them. Along with my dick.

6. Have you ever even had one before? Seriously, go buy one, they’re fucking delicious.

7. Fuck you.

8. Stop reading this shit and go buy one, asshole.

Where I’ve been

Some of you thought I was dead, most likely murdered by the Cartel or one of the many other groups of people I’ve insulted over the years. Some of you may have thought I got a girlfriend. Others probably thought I found Jesus. Those of you who aren’t total fucking idiots probably thought that I had simply gave up on this site, that my premature deletion of this site last year was a mistake from which I could never recover.

You were all wrong. Come on, as if the Cartel’s gonna kill me. Bitch please, those fucking faggots aren’t dumb enough to try to take me on. I’ve read like every Punisher comic book ever, that’s just as good as being trained to kill criminals. I’d chug a 2-liter of Dr. Pepper, then run outside like Scarface and mow down 216 of them without breaking a sweat. I would do it on a Monday, so I could randomly say “Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays!” before I shot them. Like I give a fuck, bitch.

Those of you who said I wouldn’t come back, that I couldn’t come back, fuck you. There’s a reason my logo is the phoenix, asshole.

The truth is, a lot of shit happened during the past year. And like all good stories it started with alcohol.

The night was July 14, the occasion was the celebration of my latest article, the one about Minecraft. Yeah, I throw release parties for all of my articles. Ever see that movie “Project X”? That’s some pussy shit. I throw real fucking bangers, the kind that even Charlie Sheen is afraid to attend even though I still invite him every time out of professional courtesy. The cops are always called out, because I invite them. It’s not as if they’ve got anything to do that night, since like the entire city is at all of my parties. Except the mayor, he can choke on a bag of chlamydia-infected dicks. My parties usually end with the mayor being a butt-hurt little bitch and calling the National Guard in to “restore order” (TRANSLATION: Kill our buzz). That’s right, every time I release a new article the city shuts down for a night and martial law ends up being declared. You don’t hear about it though, because the mayor doesn’t want the world to know what a total puss-bag he is.

Anyway, the plan was for me to get fucked up. Super fucked-up. I’m talking more fucked up than I’ve ever gotten. Ever. On a scale of 1 to 10, my level of fucked-up-ness was going to be “That 500 lb blonde paraplegic over there looks like Scarlett Johannsen, I’m hittin’ it.” If I didn’t end up puking on some fat crippled chick in the middle of fucking her, my night would be considered a failure. I bought myself three cases of Yuengling Lager, 12 2-liters of Dr. Pepper, and 6 bar-sized bottles each of Yukon Jack, Fireball, and Jack Daniels. These three drinks form the Unholy Trinity of Whiskey, and should never, ever, EVER, be mixed.

Fuck that noise, I was going to mix them.

So after drinking all the beer and Dr. Pepper in under an hour, I decided it was time to do it. “Don’t do it, AJ!”, some hot chick screamed. “Don’t tempt fate!” Silly girl, I wasn’t going to tempt fate, I was going to give it the one-finger salute directly to the face! And so I took the Unholy Trinity of Whiskey and forged from their power a new elixir, The Abomination of Desolation. The entire city of Philadelphia, save for the candy-ass mayor, assembled in the Linc (our football field, you dildo) to watch me down this concoction that the deities of old once drank to attain their immortality. How did I fit a population of over 1,500,000 million into a stadium meant to hold only a maximum capacity of 68,532? I stuck them up your mother’s cunt, that’s how.

I mixed the concoction, and raised my glass to the sky. Lightning danced and thunder rolled across the sky. As I pounded down the drink, the entire stadium chanted “CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!” I finished the drink, raised the empty glass to the crowd, and let out a mighty belch. The last thing I heard was copious cheering.

The next thing I knew, I awoke to the sound of a man screaming fiercly in Chinese.

As the room around me faded into view, I saw that I was in either the world’s filthiest basement or some sort of prison. Rotten Tom’s basement is pretty fucking filthy, so there was a good chance that maybe my night ended at his place, as many of my nights involving partying tend to do (no homo- okay, maybe just a little). But then why was there some asshole screaming at me in Chinese? I had a fucking hangover, this asshole needed to shut the fuck up. And so I politely told him, “Hey retard, shut the fuck up. I’ve got a hangover, don’t be a faggot.” My demand was met with a swift blow to the face with the butt of a rifle, followed by more screaming in Chinese. Oh hell no, it’s on now motherfucker.

I tucked and rolled, putting just enough distance between me and my aggressor to get a good look at him. A Chinese man in his early 20’s, wearing a camoflauge uniform bearing a patch with the PLA emblem (China’s military, goddamn read Wikipedia bro). Holy. Fucking. Shit. It finally fucking happened. The crazy yellow bastards finally did it. Red Dawn had come. I called that shit! And now, these bastards had me held captive in Rotten Tom’s basement.

Unfortunately for these Ching Chang Chong Commie bastards, I had been preparing for this scenario since before I was born, because I am a real American just like Hulk Hogan. Remembering my anti-Red Dawn training, I immediately engaged my captor with an Atomic Leg Drop, just like my hero Hulk Hogan. Overwhelmed by my American wrestling move, the Chinese soldier fell unconscious to the floor. I grabbed his rifle (some cheap Ruskie piece of shit, probably a Kalashnikov) and prepared to take back my country from the red and yellow menace.

As I burst out of the door, I was greeted by several more Chinese soldiers. “KNEE-HOW BITCHES!”, I screamed as I massacred them. Turns out I wasn’t in Rotten Tom’s basement after all, as the hallway I had entered was actually clean and not littered with beer cans, pizza boxes, and the broken dreams of retired neighborhood hooligans. As I dashed down the hallway, Bonnie Tyler’s “Holding Out for a Hero” played in my head. More Chinese troops came pouring from various rooms. “WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD MEN GONE, AND WHERE ARE ALL THE GODS?”, I shouted, mowing down the onslaught with my inexplicably accurate hipfire. Voices screamed in Chinese, their displeasure evident. These rookies may have had their way with the average American idiot, but they hadn’t gone up against a true warrior like me. The tide was turning in favor of the Stars and Stripes. I was America’s one-man liberation force, restoring freedom to my fellow countrymen and women. I was Frank motherfucking Castle.

Finally, I made it to what appeared to be the exit. I shot the lone guard in the dick (going against everything South Park taught me). “Ooh, right in the Mao Tse Dong!” I quipped, feeling kind of like Duke Nukem. As I kicked the door open and took in the air around me, I came to a sudden realization: I wasn’t in America.

Indeed, I was smack dab in the middle of some Chinese prison camp in the mountains. As what appeared to be the entire armed forces of China amassed around me guns drawn, I shook my head and laughed. “Boy oh boy, the price of freedom is steep!”, I quipped as I drew the rifle from earlier. I raised my rifle, prepared to mow down every last one of those freedom-hating commie bastards, when the sound of an approaching helicopter filled the air. Both myself and my aggressors looked to the sky, to see this:

It was Señor Juan, piloting 4.52 tons of Vietnam-era ‘Merican freedom! A rope dropped from the descending Huey. Figuring the absurd mass of troops surrounding me weren’t going to just let me fly away to freedom, I began firing at them with the rifle. My foes returned fire, succeeding in hitting the wall behind me. Evidently these guys had graduated from the Imperial Stormtrooper School of Marksmanship. I was able to hold them off long enough for Juan to bring the Huey in so I could make my daring escape. As I latched onto the rope and the Huey began its departure, I gave my Chinese hosts the ol’ one-finger salute, Uncle Jesse style:

“KNEE-HOW MOTHERFUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!” I screamed as the Huey flew away to the sound of six hundred million screaming Chinamen.

As Juan pulled me into the Huey, he told me what he knew about the previous night’s events.

Apparently at some point I decided that I wanted to “roll with Mr. Chow, bitches!”, and took an express flight to China with Juan. Shortly after my arrival, I heard a song that I liked and completely forgot why I came to China. In an attempt to jog my memory I drank even more Fireball Whiskey. That was when I realized I was on a Fireball drinking binge, and therefor also a “fire bender”. So I wandered the streets of China, claiming that I was a firebender on the hunt for the Avatar. Then I came across a monastery full of Buddhist monks. Completely losing my shit, I started screaming “DEATH TO THE AIRBENDERS! LONG LIVE THE FIRE NATION!” I grabbed a torch and proceeded to burn the monastery to the ground while screaming “AVENGE FIRELORD OZAI!” The smoke caused me to finally black out, until I woke up in the camp.

So we made our way back to America. What’s that? Hueys only have a range of around 300 miles you say? There’s no way we could have made it across the Pacific? Fuck that, Juan had his family trick that shit out. Nobody can fix a vehicle like Mexicans. Ever seen a Huey with hydraulics? Well fuck you buddy, I rode in one!

We arrived at the California coastline, and we were greeted in the traditional American way by eagles. F-15 Eagles, to be exact. “Huey, you are entering American airspace,” a voice said over the radio. “Please identify, over.” Before Juan could get us shot down by saying something about tacos or Mexico, I grabbed control of the radio. I had seen enough military shows, I knew how to talk to these people. “Pilot, this is Freedom 1 Chopper, returning from a rescue mission in Ching Chang Chong Chinaland,” I replied, “Mao Tse Dong has been castrated, I repeat, Mao Tse Dong has been castrated. Over.” A moment of silence followed by “Sir, have you been drinking?” I glanced at the bottle of Jack in my hand, then casually slid it under the seat in case this dickhead tried to pull alongside me. “No sir, just high on good ol’ ‘Merican freedom. Hoo-ah!” “Sir, land your Huey or we will shoot you down.” Son of a bitch, it’s on now! “Oh yeah? Well in the words of Miss Benatar, hit me with your best shot!” Instantly, a missile screeched past me, evidently meant to be a warning shot. Juan yelled something in Spanish, then said he was going to land the Huey. Fuck no, we won’t go! I pushed Juan aside and jumped into the controls of the four and a half ton behemoth. “STAR FOX BE MY GUIDE!” I screamed as I began evasive maneuvers. And by evasive maneuvers, I mean that I seriously attempted to do a barrel roll. In a Huey. We immediately went plummeting down to the Earth. We totally survived the crash, because this is my story damnit.

A bunch of unimportant shit later, and we were safely back in Philly. I then spent the next 11 months drinking copiously, before remembering that I had a website.

Nah, but what really happened was I lost interest and spent most of my time working and drinking. But I’m back now, so rest easily my children.

2011: A look back

In what I hope will become a yearly tradition here at AngryJerk.net, here’s my take on some of the past year’s events, some of which I’ve already commented on but go fuck yourself if you don’t like it.

1. The Death of Kim Jong-Il

Easily the saddest moment of the entire year, North Korea’s Dear Leader died at the age of 69. Some people like to be Negative Nancies and talk about all the bad things he did, like letting his people starve and being a dictator. Fuck those people. Kim Jong-Il made the world a more humorous place to live in. Just look at the fucking guy. A small pudgy Asian guy with funny hair and sunglasses, and an arsenal of missiles known as Taepodongs. If that’s not comical enough for you, he also kidnapped a South Korean movie director and his wife to build a North Korean film industry. Kim Jong-Il was one of the zaniest dictators the world has ever seen, to the point where he died at age 69. He might as well have dropped anvils on people.

Rest in piece, Krazy Kim.

2. The Death of Libyan Dictator Muammar Gaddafi

Because national sovereignty is just a silly outdated concept and the Libyan people are a bunch of weak pussies, NATO “assisted” Libya in a transition from an overt fundamentalist dictatorship to a slightly less obvious fundamentalist dictatorship that will probably turn into an overt one within a few years. And by assist, I mean NATO did pretty much the entire thing. Come on, do you really think that some ragtag towelheads would have been able to topple a 41-year dictatorship without the help of coordinated airstrikes and training by the British SAS? Give me a break.

In any case, with the end of this dictatorship also came the death of Muammar Gaddafi, a man who looked almost as zany as Kim Jong-Il:

Still, he was a faggot, and I’m glad he’s dead.

3. “Occupy” Protests

A bunch of closet socialist douchebags think it’s unfair that people inherited wealth from the companies started by their parents and grandparents. Seriously, where the fuck do you get off telling someone that they make too much money, you pompous self-entitled pricks? “College is too expensive! I can’t find work! Wah wah wah!” If I had to take a stab, I’d say most of the degrees held by these people are of the liberal arts variety. People are slowly starting to realize that they wasted their time and money on bullshit majors like philosophy, and now they’re pissing their pants in anger. Some of these people even like to use China as an ideal model. “In China college is free.” “In China CEOs are only allowed to make x amount of money!” “In China the standard of living is better and cheaper!” In China, people are routinely executed for criticizing the government. In China, the government encourages children to spy on their own parents. In China, practitioners of certain religions are routinely beaten by police. Remember when a degree from a Chinese university was worth more than asswipe? Me neither. If you really want to live in a draconian police state, go move to one. At least in America we still have the illusion of freedom. And you know, I enjoy that illusion very much.

Okay, I’ll be fair. Not every single one of the protesters are socialist douchebags trying to destroy capitalism. Some are actually people looking for real change that doesn’t involve abolishing capitalism. Unfortunately, these level-headed people are being drowned out by what’s probably actually a small group being overblown by the media. The 1% of protesters control the public image of these protests, while the other 99% are made to look like jackasses.

Now I’m half-expecting my site to come under DDoS attack for criticizing these idiots, because silencing critics is okay when they’re criticizing you. Anyone looking to send hatemail over this, feel free to omit the references to me being a right-winger or a conservative.

4. Arab Spring

Great, more justification for breaching national sovereignty and further pissing off the Arabs.

5. U.S. Military Withdrawal from Iraq

Just in case you forgot Obama was up for re-election in 2012.

6. Harold Camping Predicts the End of the World. Again.

I already did an entire article on this.

To sum it up, some asshole predicted that the world was going to end on May 21, 2011, at exactly 6 PM.

I don’t know about where you people are, but here in Philadelphia on May 21st, the day started out bright and beautiful. Then, at 6 PM, the sky opened up and it poured buckets for exactly 15 minutes, before becoming bright and sunny again. I’ve suddenly gained a little more respect for God, the hilarious troll that he is.

Alternatively, here’s what could have went down:

“RAPTURE? NOT ON MY WATCH! OH YEAH!”

 

Wow, this year was pretty fucking boring. Let’s hope 2012 is a little more eventful.

Going postal

Today I went to the post office.

All I had to do was mail a small package to a friend. That’s it. Sounds simple enough, right? WRONG.

Upon entering, I was greeted by a line of 7 people, with one lone man working the counter. Typical of my location, and many others I’m sure. I took my place in line, and waited. And waited. And waited.

While I was waiting, more patrons came in and got behind me. A middle-aged woman got in line directly behind me, and immediately began huffing and puffing. “Can he move any slower?” “I guess the other person working the counter got lost back there.” “Unbelieveable!” This was after she had waited in line a staggering 3 minutes. Jesus Christ, you impatient bitch. With all the huffing and puffing she was doing, I was worried that she might flood the room with the carbon dioxide emitted by her breathing. This bitch was becoming a top contributor to global warming, right after Al Gore and his bullshit. I’ve never fancied myself much of a hero, but I was prepared to premptively save the world from another Great Deluge by putting an end to this foul wench and her incessant whining. As I readied myself to turn around and slam her head through one of the counters, she muttered something about coming back another time and left. For the purpose of this article, I’m the kind of guy who believes that the best way to win a war is to not have to fight it, so her departure was a relief.

I continued my tedious wait in line. 10 minutes had passed since I entered, and I now had 5 people ahead of me. I was going nowhere. And to make matters worse, a kid in front of me had pinched off a load in his pants. Now I was standing down-wind from the smell of shit.

I pulled out my cellphone and began to play Angry Birds (which I’m ashamed to admit is pretty addictive). As I was lining up my bomb bird to take out 3 of those fat fuck pigs with the red moustaches in one go, my focus was broken by a loud “GUFAWHAWHAWHAWHAW!”. I turned around to see some obnoxious thug hooting away loudly on his cellphone. There are few noises in this world worse than that of a ghetto piece of shit laughing. Giving up at Angry Birds, I put my phone away and looked gloomily at the line ahead. 4 people remaining. I looked behind me. Mr. Thuglyf4eva was still laughing away on his cellphone, occasionally making that unintelligible noise “gangstas” make when verbally communicating with each other and attempting to verbally communicate with us civilized folk. I wish I spoke his language, because whatever he was talking about must have been hella-funny and I could have used a good laugh at the moment. Resisting the urge to turn around and shove the phone up his ass, I decided to read the various notices and posters on the walls around me.

The line moved up again. 2 people to go until it was my turn. I should stop here for a moment to say that the guy behind the counter was doing his best, and I can’t really place any fault on him. From what I could understand, his coworker was on her lunch break. Hey, everyone deserves a lunch break, even employees of an ineffective government bureaucracy. Still, I had been waiting for 20 minutes smelling shit and listening to some sub-human asshole laughing non-stop and babbling about God-knows-what. My patience was wearing thin. I had expected a wait, but not like this. I had been presented with a vision of Hell. Hell is a never-ending line with pants-crapping children in front of you, and loud ignorant ghetto pieces of shit behind you, spiced with whiny old hags who won’t shut up.

I reviewed all of the decisions I made in life. Habitually cursing out my mother. Acting like a self-entitled prick during my teenage years. Running off with some asshole’s wife. Starting this website. Surely I was fucked, damned to an eternity of what I had experienced for the past 20 minutes. But was it really too late? Maybe if I changed my ways, God would afford me mercy and spare me this torture.

I began to plan out my repentance, thinking of good deeds I could do to redeem myself in the eyes of the Lord. The first and easiest one would be to delete this blasphemous website. Yes, it would be a pity to say good-bye to almost 5 years of writing, but sacrifices are required in order to ensure salvation.

Suddenly, I heard a voice.

“Next!”

I looked, and behold, the voice was beckoning me! I gleefully ran to the desk, and gave the man my package, which wasn’t nearly as gay as that sounded. I gladly paid the fee of $3.41 to ship my friend her now-virus-free laptop hard drive. I wished the clerk a good day, and skipped joyfully out the door onto the street, much to the confusion of the remaining people in line.

I thought about the half-hour that I spent in line at the post office. I reflected on the spiritual journey I had undertaken, and my desire to repent for the sins I committed throughout my life. I then laughed loudly and said “Fuck that shit!”, before heading home to jerk off and be unproductive.

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

The REAL masterminds behind 9/11

We’ve all heard the “official” story behind 9/11 countless times. “A bunch of Islamic extremists hijacked planes and crashed them into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.” We’ve also heard the countless conspiracy theories behind the attacks. “Bush allowed it to happen to start the war in Iraq!” “The New World Order did it!” We’ve also heard the whole “Jews were responsible!” thing. This theory started with a chain letter that said something to the effect of “All of the World Trade Center’s Jewish employees called out on 9/11” or something equally retarded. A quick search reveals that this is bullshit, and that somewhere around 18% of the casualties in the World Trade Center were in fact Jewish. But that doesn’t matter, because every single Jewish person everywhere is connected by a network. This network is powered by Holocaust guilt and Fran Drescher’s obnoxious voice.

Do you want to know the truth? Do you want to know the REAL masterminds behind one of the deadliest attacks on American soil? The TRUE masterminds behind all the wars ravaging this world?

The truth is, the Jews are scapegoats for a higher power! That’s right, the Jews are just as much patsies as the Muslims. This higher power is actually a force not of this world. Even the Reptilian empire from Alpha Draconis is nothing compared to these masters of disaster, these bearers of terror.

The true masterminds of the 9/11 attacks? These devious bastards:

After their failure to take over Planet Druidia, the Spaceballs set their eyes on our own blue marble, and launched a campaign to wipe us out and take our resources. The Spaceballs have been here for millenia, and are behind every major conflict in history. The Spaceballs crucified Christ, sparked the American Revolution, triggered both World Wars, and provoked the current American military prescence in the Middle East. They are also planning a large-scale conflict between the US and a Chinese-led alliance, set to start in 2012.

The most powerful families in the world are secretly Spaceballs. The Rockefellers, the Rothschilds, the House of Windsor, the Kennedys. All members of this cruel and sadistic alien race bent on exterminating the human race and taking our planet for its air supply. All responsible for plotting the terrible events of 10 years ago.

Some more facts for you to ponder over:

  • 4,000 Spaceballs called in sick to their jobs at the World Trade Center on 9/11.
  • A UFO was caught on film hovering near the impact area a year before the attacks even happened.
  • Satan’s head can be seen in one of the smoke clouds after the attacks. It is a known fact that the Spaceballs worship Satan. In fact, Satan himself may have been a Spaceball.
  • People who seriously blame the Jews for 9/11 are fucking retarded.

Fuck Sesame Street

Yo what is this bullshit Im hearing about Katy Perry being kicked off Sesame Street for having big tits. That’s some major bullshit. Is Sesame Street full of fucking faggots or something? What the fuck mayn? Look at this bitch. I FUCKING SAID LOOK AT THIS BITCH MANL

I would bust a nut all up in her cunt shit man. Holy mother of fuck look at those giant ass titties they’re calling my name. “AJ,” they say, “Come stick your fdick in bettween us man. Fuck us then pull Katy Perry’s hair as you fuck her from behind becuase doggystyle is your fav position.” Oh damn man I would smack that fucking ass red white abd blue because I’m a real American. Damn man Katy Perry probably knows how to fuck like a fucking champ look at that bitch man I bet she sucks a mean dick. Yo man I could get behind that if you know what I mean wink wink nudge nudge. I dont mean to cheat on my queen Tarja Turunen but I would love Tarja so fucking nice whereas I woukld just fuck the fucking shit out of Katy Perry ipso facto vis-a-vi concordedly.

OH SHIT YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE BANGING YO A THREEWAY WITH KATY PERRY ANF TARJA TURUNEN. I WAS DRINKING RIGHT AND THERE WAS THIS 14 YEAR OLD KID WHO SAID HE HATES KATY PERRY SO I BROKE A BOTTLE OF YUENGLING OVER HIS HEAD AND THEN I GOT EVEn madder because the bottle still had half in it and shit and I wasted half a 32 oz bottle of the good shit man the FUCKING YUENGLING. I FUCKING WASTED IT MANNNNN.

Hey did I tell you about the one time I got a blowjob in the movie theater from this one girl?

Anyway Sesame Street is fuckin gay because they kicked KAty Perry off for having big tits I mean really come on now? Yo Elmo I will fuck your faggot red ass up. You’re red becyase your a fucking COMMIE FUCK YOU ELMO YOU FUCKING COMMUNIST COCKSUCKER I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU ELMO YOU HEAR ME SAMURAI JACK SAID HE GOT MY BACK AND SO DO THOSE PEOPLE FROM SYMBIONIC TITAN

Why did they cancel Symbionic Titan? Oh yeah because people are fucking morons and dont appreciate good Tv give those faggots their dick jokes and bland anime fight bullshit BECAUSE YOU ALL FUCKING SUCK I HOPE YOU DIE IN FIRES AND YOUR MOMS GET AIDS FROM BEING FUCKIN WHORES HAHAHAHA

Oh yeah and Elmo I hate you so much why did you get Katy Perry kicked off Sesame treet from having big titties look at this people I SAID FUCKIN LOOK DICKERS:

Shes got her mouth open for my dick and everything man like :Oh AJ cram your dick in my mouth let me suck your balls dry UI love the taste of AJ’s cum” The URL of the pictre is “holy.jpg” because I went to type “holy_shit_look_At_dem_ttities” but accidentally hit enter cuz I’m drunk but its cool because those tits are so divine that they’re holy.

No but really I hope my plot to fuck my coworkers niece works cuz that would be hella funny and also she is hot (the niece not the coworker ewwww) and I like sex. HEy who doesnt like sex oh yeah ELMO BECAUSE HE IS GAY

I hate you elmo my hatred for you burns like the fiery heat of a hundred thousand super novas or like a smoking hot redhead I fucking love redheads I also love chicks with black hair and green eyes that shit is fucking hot yo. But really I aint picky if you got the personality you got AJ’s loving.

Fuck you Elmo

KAty Perry I want you

Tarja Turunen you are beautiful like the 2nd moon of C’rrtlar (thats the 5th planet orbitting the star Alpha Draconis you shitty fucking human scum)

Now I look all romantic and deep and shit

Later gators

Elmo you still a faggot ass bitch

Katy PErry you’re hot

Happy Memorial Day. Here’s a picture of a SOLDIER:

Okay well he finds out later he wasnt in SOLDIER and it was that faggot Zack, but FFVII kicks ass and yo mamma.

Im gonna go fall sleepies now k

More random shit that pisses me off

14. Yahoo! Answers. When you don’t really need an answer as much as you need a moral evaluation of your question, Yahoo! Answers is a great place to seek advice. It’s also a great place to obtain brain damage from beating your own head in frustration.

15. ThePirateBay fantards. ThePirateBay is a sinking ship, and is going to end up going the same way as Napster. With all the press it’s been getting, only a fool wouldn’t expect to get busted by the MPAA and RIAA using the site. But please, feel free to “go down with the ship”.

16. Assholes who interrupt you in the middle of a conversation with someone else. I can’t begin to count the number of times where I’ve tried to have a serious conversation with someone, and some dumb ass motherfucker just comes walking up flapping their gums and talking over me, and stands there prattling away until we stop our conversation to listen to them. I actually backhanded one of my friends for doing this.

17. Excessive campaign signs. Nothing makes me want to vote for someone more than seeing 50 of their campaign signs on the same 20 foot traffic island, and nothing makes me want to re-elect them more than still seeing those same campaign signs three months after they were elected.

18. Guys who get freaked out over other guys pretending to be gay. Who’s more likely to be gay: The guy comfortable enough with his heterosexuality to put on a lisp and make jokes about taking it in the ass, or the guy who gets freaked out and defensive towards the guy who’s obviously just joking around about being gay? You’re not going to “catch the gay”, so stop being an insecure pussy.

19. Dumb-ass motherfuckers who feel compelled to step on my piles of dirt when I’m sweeping. Brooms are people-magnets. Seriously. I’ll start sweeping an area, and all of the sudden it becomes a fucking parade route. Where were you assholes when I wasn’t sweeping? Then they’ll get annoyed at me because I’m supposedly in their way? No motherfucker, you’re in MY way. Now stop being an asshole and move before I shove this broomstick up your ass.

20. People who buy an entire newspaper for the sports section. I have yet to encounter someone who has purchased a newspaper for anything more than the sports section. The world is on the brink of annihilating itself, and the only thing you stupid cocksuckers care about is how the local baseball or football team is doing? Fuck the Phillies, and fuck you.

21. Dipshits who mumble something to you incoherently, then get pissed off when you ignore them or ask them to repeat themselves multiple times. I don’t speak thug, nor do I speak fractured or heavily-accented English. If I can’t understand you after the third time, I’m just going to nod and agree, since what you’re saying probably isn’t important anyway.

22. People who don’t know where the fuck they’re walking. Ever walk down the sidewalk, only to be slowed down by some dumbass who weaves back and forth in front of you for no goddamn reason? It’s even worse when there’s more than one person. Like dumbasses on parade. Get the fuck out of my way, assholes.

23. Girls who make the “duck face” in pictures. Don’t know what the “duck face” is? Here’s an entire website dedicated to hating it. Shit’s fucking retarded, and can ruin a perfectly good fapping picture.

24. Wolf Blitzer. Maybe it’s his smug-looking face, or his “holier-than-thou” voice. I don’t know, but every time I see that cocksucker on TV, I want to cock my fist back and break his face.

25. Having to piss with a boner. Any guy who finds themselves wondering why this would be annoying probably doesn’t have a dick, or has a very small one.

26. Fluffy toilet lid covers. Why do people use toilet lid covers? They serve no real purpose other than being kind of comfortable should you choose to sit on the toilet for something other than taking a shit. On top of that, they make it hard to keep the seat up when I’m pissing. Usually the seat falls down mid-piss and I get hit with the very brief backspray, making me look like an asshole at someone else’s house.

27. Guys who are all over their girlfriends in public. I fucking hate it when I’m eyeing up some hotty, and all of the sudden Douchey McDouche comes in from nowhere, gaying up the place with his incessant touching and talking. Obviously Douchey McDouche gets insecure around guys like me, and has to remind me that the hotty is HIS, and not mine. As if that’s ever stopped me before.


If you’re wondering why this list starts at 14, see this article.

The Alphabet of AngryJerk.net

A is for:

AngryJerk.net. What the fuck did you expect it to be?

B is for:

Back to the Future, my favorite movie evar.

C is for:

Censorship, which can suck my cock. Hey, cock also begins with “C”. What a coincidence! Oh shit, coincidence begins with “C” too! That’s just fucking crazy. Oh fuck man, crazy also begins with- okay, I’ll stop now.

D is for:

Dr. Pepper, the nectar of the gods. Also, Dystheism, and the Dead Kennedys (before East Bay Ray sold them out like the faggot he is).

E is for:

Evil Genius, Pat Benatar’s most underrated song.

F is for:

Faggot, which describes everyone except me.

G is for:

Grace Slick, my inspiration for time travel.

H is for:

Haters, who are always going to hate.

I is for:

Internet, where I can use racial slurs without fear of reprisal, and Iron Maiden, the most awesome metal band ever.

J is for:

Johannson, as in Scarlett Johannson, who I would bang the fucking shit out of.

K is for:

Katy Perry, who I would also bang the fucking shit out of.

L is for:

Laugh, something you will not do once when reading my website. It also stands for Lost, which was an awesome series.

M is for:

Mature porn, which I download in copious amounts.

N is for:

NewEgg.com, an insatiable and addictive money hole. Also, Nightwish.

O is for:

Orson Welles, the greastest prankster to ever live. Also, the Offspring.

P is for:

Phoenix. Both the mythological bird that resurrects from its own ashes, and the Flash series that I’ve neglected.

Q is for:

Quack quack quack!

Come on, haven’t you seen “The Mighty Ducks”?

No?

Well fuck you then asshole.

R is for:

Rantlister.com, which is an awesome website and needs more forum members.

S is for:

Señor Juan, who has returned from his trip to Mexico and may or may not be working on an article for this site. S is also for sorry, as in “Sorry, but I’m not going to give you the attention you seek by dropping your name on my website.”

T is for:

Tarja fuckin’ Turunen, my soulmate and the queen of this website. And don’t forget about “Trolled!”, like I have for the past year or so. Speaking of years, T also stands for time travel.

U is for:

Uhhhh…

V is for:

V, the awesome science fiction series from the 1980’s. I guess I’ll also include the remake in this too, since it’s okay.

W is for:

Wumbo.

X is for:

Absolutely-fucking-nothing. Why is X even a fucking letter? Go to hell, X.

Y is for:

Yukon Jack, the official alcoholic beverage of this website.

Z is for:

Fuck this, I don’t feel like thinking of something for Z. This shit’s going up, and I’m going to bed.

It’s the end of the world as we know it

As Hollywood has made everyone painfully aware of, the Mayan Long Count calendar ends on December 21, 2012 (actually, only the 13th cycle of it does. But that goes against the purpose of this article, so let’s ignore that), and with it the world. I don’t normally place a lot of stock in this New Age bullshit, but with the increasing abundance of earthquakes, hurricanes, and shitty James Cameron movies, it appears that we might indeed be heading for some turbulent times.

Because I have a God Complex, I felt that it was my duty to uncover the truth and save the human race from extinction. After many sleepless nights of scientific research and the thorough analysis of many scholarly works, I have discovered exactly when and how the world will end. I warn you, what you are about to read is not for the light-hearted.

Now, Hollywood has deceived us into believing that December 21, 2012 will be the last day ever. This is entirely incorrect, and this myth needs to stop being propagated. No, December 21, 2012 marks the rise of the Antichrist, and the beginning of the end.

I hear people throwing out haphazard speculations about the identity of the Antichrist. Commonly accused people are Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin, Osama bin Laden, and the president of Iran. Have any of these idiots even read the Bible? The Antichrist is supposed to rise from obscurity and be universally loved by everyone. While one might be able to put forth a fair argument that each of the aforementioned people rose to the world stage from obscurity, anyone would agree that they are NOT universally loved by everyone, which disqualifies them from being the Antichrist. However, by studying Biblical code, I was able to deduce the identity of the Antichrist:

Frank Mcintire

Hailing from Fresno, California, Frank looks like a pretty agreeable guy, right? I know I’d probably have a few drinks with Frank. I found Frank on MySpace at MySpace.com/349301943 (EDIT 1/12/17: Now belongs to some Mexican. Looks like I’ve got Frank on the run.). At first this sequence of numbers seems completely random and meaningless, but observe:

349 + 301 = 650

650 + 9 = 659

659 + 4 = 663

663 + 3 = 666!

Six hundred and sixty-six, the Number of the Beast. BUSTED! Looks like your secret’s out, Frankie-boy:

I’m sure the Deceiver of Man won’t readily confess to his malificent conspiracy, but I wanted to let him know that he shall not go unopposed.

My fellow children of God, we must stand together throughout the Great Tribulation. It is only through our love of Jesus Christ that we may persevere through the turbulent waters ahead. The wrath of the Beast is coming.

Or maybe you idiots have completely misconstrued the Mayan calendar and overlooked the fact that December 21, 2012 only signifies the end of an age and the beginning of a new one.

How to deal with vandals

(Note: If you’re not familiar with some of the graffiti terminology used in this article, this Wikipedia article will be of great help to you.)


The other morning, I stepped outside my front door. Birds were chirping. Cars were whizzing by. My Puerto Rican neighbors were working on their cars and blasting their shitty Mexican hiphop. All was right in the city. Except for one thing: Some little asshole had scribbled on my railing.

After spending 10 minutes trying to figure out exactly what the tag said, I gave up and went inside to whack off. Now freshly relieved, I returned and again attempted to decipher the alien cipher. No luck. I called up my buddy who is a cryptographer for the CIA, and he was just as baffled as I was. Most people would have just said fuck it and removed the tag with GoofOff or some other solvent, but I’m a man who believes in seeing through what he’s started. Neither myself nor the CIA could read it, but surely someone who specializes in writing this kind of gibberish could read it.

Thankfully these little tagger pussies are a dime a dozen, so I took a brief walk to the local middle school, where sure enough there was a group of kids scribbling on a wall with a couple of paint markers. Upon recognizing me as “that crazy ass boy who flips out on people for stupid shit”, three of the four punks scattered like cockroaches. The remaining one made a meager attempt to stand and fight, saying “I ain’t runnin’ yo!” He then proceeded to throw a half-assed punch, which I stopped by grabbing his wrist and giving it a nice sharp twist. After making the wannabe-ruffian cry mercy, I took him to another one of the unknown tagger’s spots and asked him to decipher the tag. He just looked at the tag, then back to me. I thought maybe he was deaf, so I used sign language (taking a knife out of my pocket and putting the tip of it to his throat while pointing at the tag and screaming “ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF? WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS SHIT ASSHOLE?”) to convey my message to him. “T-t-tank!” stuttered the terrified 14 year old. I now had the nickname of the asshole who defaced my railing. This “Tank” asshole was going to have his life ruined.

I dug around MySpace and eventually found Tank’s profile. Surprise surprise, Tank was some punk ass 15 year old wigger. His page was decked out with quotes like “DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR”, “I WONT STOP PAINTIN TILL DA WORLD LOOKS DA WAY IT SHOULD IM ON A MISSION TO MAKE HEAVEN LOOK LIKE MA NEIGHBORHOOD”, and “HATERS MAKE ME FAMOUS”. “Haters make me famous”. A most fitting quote considering what I was about to do to his pasty poser ass. His profile had been set to private, but I had infiltrated it by pretending to be some random hood, complete with my own quotation of “NO HONOR AMONG THIEVES”. I found out what other taggers he rolled with, who he already had beef with, and where he usually hung out at. Ask yourselves this: What’s more fun, kicking the shit out of some retarded pissant or deceiving other retarded pissants into doing it for you without either party knowing that you exist? A storm was a-brewin’, and it wasn’t from the Mexican food I had for dinner the night before. Tank was going to become famous.

I’m no n00b when it comes to tagging. I too used to enjoy going around with a can of Krylon or some Sharpies and writing my nickname (SiLO -NXC SQD REPRESENT-) all over the place. I knew all the rules and all the lingo. I knew the best places to bomb. I also knew many of the most prominent taggers in the neighborhood. Tank was about to make some very dangerous enemies.

After perfecting my emulation of Tank’s scribblings, I hit the streets looking for people to beef with. Tank had a very busy day. Here’s some things Tank decided to do on his day out:

  • Crown himself a king.
  • Slash the tags and throw-ups of several prominent taggers, many of whom are in their mid-20’s to early 30’s.
  • Follow up his slashings by calling the slashed taggers a bunch of “oldhead toys”.
  • Provide the tagging crew “WAB Squad” with some new meanings for their acronym, amongst them “Wack Ass Bombers” and “Weak Ass Bitches”.
  • Boast about having sex with the mother of SUSHI, a prominent tagger.
  • Accuse another prominent tagger by the name of CLEMSKI of being a snitch, and follow his accusation with the statements “SNITCHES GET STITCHES BITCH”, “YOU GONNA GET ROLLED ON MOTHAFUCKA”, and “GONNA RUN YO ASS OVER LIKE A TANK”.
  • Challenge several shitty taggers like himself to a fight.
  • Express his distaste for the Jewish people by putting swastikas all over a synagogue. He also used the same green paint when tagging his name on another section of the same wall.
  • Call the (black) principal of his school racial slurs and make veiled threats about destroying his car.

Tank effectively signed his own death warrant. Not only did he just piss off almost every tagger in the neighborhood, but the cops were going to go to town on his ass for vandalizing the synagogue and threatening his school principal. Maybe the FBI would even join in and charge him with a hate crime. If I were in Tank’s shoes, I’d probably be considering suicide.

Since I’m confident that this tool won’t be able to deduce that I’m the one who did it and come back to further fuck up my house, I left him a little message on his MySpace profile:

Two days have passed, and the worst reprisal I’ve had from Tank is being defriended. Not even a lulz-filled death threat. Tank on the other hand had a lot of explaining to do. Most of this explaining consisted of getting his ass kicked by several different people.

Looks like our friend’s prospective art career… tanked.

 

Sorry.

The nectar of the gods

If God drank soda, he’d drink this:

Only faggots don’t like Dr. Pepper.

If you’re a fucking moron who’s completely oblivious to what Dr. Pepper is, let me attempt to condense its awesomeness into mere words for you. Imagine you built a time machine and went back to 1960 and fucked Grace Slick when she was 21 years old. Now, imagine that while you’re fucking her, that hot chick you liked in high school who was absurdly out of your league came in butt naked and was like “Can I join in?”. So you, Grace Slick, and your high school crush are having a hot three way. Things can’t possibly be more awesome, right? WRONG. Out of nowhere, “The Trooper” starts playing. You look up and see a fleet of F-22 Raptors being flown by Iron Maiden. Then the Punisher comes crashing through the window and hands you an M4 rifle to slay a bunch of Russian troops riding towards you on horseback. Finally you reach your peak and you give Grace Slick and your high school crush a big ass moneyshot. But before you can collapse from exaustion, they’re all over your cock again begging for round two.

Now take all of the above, liquify it, carbonate it, and put it in a can. Yeah, that’s what Dr. Pepper is comparable to: Sex with Grace Slick and your high school crush while listening to Iron Maiden and massacring enemy troops alongside the Punisher. Ron FUCKING Paul.

I have this cockbag friend who thinks Mountain Dew is better than Dr. Pepper. He called me a pussy and told me I couldn’t handle the so-called “awesomeness” of Mountain Dew. BULL FUCKING SHIT. So one day he went out to do whatever stupid shit faggots like him do for fun (probably shop for purses and Richard Simmons workout tapes), and I went over to his house and had sex with his mom and his girlfriend in his bed. When he sashayed his hips through his bedroom door, he saw me laying there holding a bottle of Dr. Pepper while his mom and his girlfriend were giving me head. He ran out of the room crying like the pussy he is. I went to comfort him:

Me: Hey Jeff.

Jeff: *sniff sniff* AJ, how could you?

Me: Hey, I’m sorry man.

Jeff: *sniffle* You’re sorry?

Me: Yeah… SORRY YOU DON’T HAVE A SISTER FOR ME TO FUCK TOO LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Fucking pwn3d.

It’s like 3 AM and I’m wired on Dr. Pepper. Before I go, here’s some facts about Dr. Pepper:

  • Dr. Pepper has a PhD in tastiness.
  • Dr. Pepper caused Tucker Max’s shitty movie to flop.
  • Dr. Pepper did 9/11.
  • One of the main ingredients in Dr. Pepper is Grace Slick’s spit.
  • Another main ingredient of Dr. Pepper is Gaston’s sweat.
  • Dr. Pepper crucified Jesus.
  • Billy Joel drinks three gallons of Dr. Pepper before performing “We Didn’t Start the Fire”. It gives him the sheer awesomeness it takes to remember all the lyrics.
  • Bruce Dickinson drinks 1,000 gallons of Dr. Pepper before performing “The Trooper”. It doesn’t give him the sheer awesomeness it takes to rock balls (he was born with that), he just likes Dr. Pepper that much.
  • Dr. Pepper turned Michael Jackson white.
  • Dr. Pepper saved John Lennon from Yoko Ono’s Jap bitch wrath by possessing Mark David Chapman. Why did Chapman sit down and read “Catcher in the Rye” after shooting Lennon? Because his frail feeble mortal mind couldn’t handle the concentrated awesomeness of Dr. Pepper and drove him insane.

Aight, I’m out. Peace.