Joey Vento: Requiem for a jackass

On August 23, 2011, Joey Vento, the owner of Geno’s Cheesesteaks, proprietor of money-generating controversy, and self-proclaimed expert on motorcycle safety, has died of a heart attack. You may remember Joey Vento from two of my previous articles about him, found here and here. In both of them, I lambasted him for being nothing more than a money-grubbing asshole looking to make a quick profit by generating controversy. I also called him a jackass. Like, a shitload of times.

So far, the circumstances behind the heart attack are a mystery, but investigators say that a search of Joey’s recent internet history showed that he had been viewing a website called “AngryJerk.net” about 15 minutes prior to the fatal heart attack, in particular two negative articles about him.

Now with that tasteless joke out of the way, let’s get serious.

I’ve put the guy down a hell of a lot, and I still stand by my statement that he was an attention-whoring jackass who couldn’t stop running his mouth. However, to deny his redeeming qualities, especially after his death, would be behavior unbefitting of the Phoenix King. It would be a disgraceful insult to my own honor. It would be bad karma. It would be a whole bunch of stuff that sounds like lines from a samurai movie, because samurais kick ass. Especially Samurai Jack. I tell you, man. Genndy Tartakovsky doesn’t get any respect from Cartoon Network. They stop Samurai Jack, Dexter’s Lab, and Symbionic Titan. Yet Aqua Teen Hunger Force still fucking exists, as does the equally fucktarded Squidbillies. Cartoon Network is retarded and Genndy Tartakovsky is way under-appreciated by those bastards.

But indeed, the almighty Angry_Jerk is a man who is not afraid to acknowledge the strengths of his foes. As such, I am going to show myself to be the bigger man by saying a few kind words about Joey Vento.

As much of a jackass as he was, he managed to rile up the pro-immigration camp. That’s always a plus in my book. I’ve said before and I’ll say it again. Anyone who supports illegal immigration is nothing more than a fifth columnist who poses a potential threat to this nation’s security. When the tanks of some foreign military power (most likely China allied with some Arab countries, and Venezuela, and Cuba) come rolling up through Mexico into America one day a la Red Dawn, these are the fucks who will gladly collaborate with the foreign powers by raiding armories and sabotaging shit. I still can’t comprehend the thought processes that lead to someone supporting a clandestine foreign invasion of their own country. These people are way more of a threat than gun-toting Bible-thumping right-wing militiamen. Are the militiamen going to turn over the keys of this country to the Chinese or whoever comes knocking at our virtually unlocked backdoor? Fuck no they aren’t. These people sympathizing with illegal immigration? Yeah, I’d keep an eye or two on those fuckers.

While I know the sign was just to generate publicity, I have zero doubt in my mind that Joey actually believed in the sign’s message. It’s a shame that he didn’t bother to run for public office, since I would have gladly voted for him. He’s right. You want to live in this country? At least make the effort to assimilate into our culture. Wear over-sized clothes and blast shitty jungle music. If I were moving to Russia, I would at least make the effort to learn basic Russian, and I sure as hell wouldn’t drive around the streets of Moscow with an American flag on my car while telling everybody how much I hate the Russian government’s laws. If I go outside the country and expect everyone to know English, I’m considered a stupid fuck who is too uncultured to bother to learn more than one language, yet I’m racist and intolerant of other cultures because I expect people coming to my country to have a basic grasp of my language and have respect for my country’s laws? Fuck you, you neo-liberal sack of shit. I’ll show you a bleeding heart when I rip yours right out of your chest like I’m Scorpion from Mortal Kombat. Aside from the fact that Joey was the owner of Geno’s and thus had the legal right to refuse service to anyone he wanted to, anybody who would go to an American business and attempt to initiate a transaction in Spanish is an asshole.

Putting Joey’s political views aside, the guy was at his business every day. That’s more dedication than many owners. I even remember seeing him making cheesesteaks during one of the two times I was there. That’s a hell of a lot more dedication to his business than many owners I’ve seen. I can respect that. I’ve also heard from people I know who have met him that, aside from coming across as highly neurotic, he was a pretty nice guy when dealing with him in person.

In closing, I want to say that while Joey Vento was a jackass during his living years, he certainly wasn’t the worst person out there, and did have some redeeming qualities. As such, there’s no more reason to harbor any ill feelings towards him in his passing.

Joey Vento, I, Angry_Jerk the Almighty Phoenix King, hereby bury the hatchet with you. Rest in peace, you neurotic jackass. Rest in peace.

Free Mumia

For those who don’t know, Mumia Abu-Jamal was a black guy in Philadelphia who shot and killed a cop, Officer Daniel Faulkner, in 1981. He was sentenced to the death penalty the following year, and is still sitting behind bars. Since then, he’s been making all kinds of money writing books claiming to be a peace activist and selling anti-cop merchandise, while his fellow inmates hold him in the highest regard as someone who was able to stick it to the man and get away with it.

Numerous cities across the world have made Mumia an “honorary citizen”, most of which are probably European. I’d expect nothing less from a bunch of countries that afford protection to Turkish-Muslim leeches and Albanian human sex trafficking scumbags. Paris has even gone as far as naming a road after him, proving yet again that you can never have enough reasons to hate France.

Recently, the United States Supreme Court tossed out a ruling that nullified Mumia’s death sentence. This is supposed to pave the way for the appeals court to reinstate the death penalty, but let’s face it, Mumia ain’t gonna be executed.

The prosecutors have been playing the wrong angle. Instead of fighting to have the state execute him, they should be fighting to have him released. It’s a brilliant idea to free Mumia, because, let’s face it, the guy won’t last a week on the streets:

That little .38 may have killed a cop, but it ain’t gonna do shit against Frank Castle.

Someone will do what should have been done almost 30 years ago and just kill the motherfucker. Why has this asshole gotten multiple appeals? “Unfair trial” my ass. He fucked himself over by acting like the uncivilized ape he is during his trial. Now he plays the race card and cries “unfair trial” because there were only two black people on the jury. The only thing unfair about the trial is the fact that my tax dollars are now paying his room and board while he makes money off of the gullible liberal faggots buying his books and merchandise with his name and picture on it. Well done you morons.

If in the unlikely event the state finally decides to carry out the death penalty, I propose a raffle to choose the person to shoot Mumia. The state can charge $20 a ticket, and 50% of the proceeds will be donated to a charity associated with injured police officers. Most ticket buyers would probably even bring their own gun and ammo, so the state doesn’t even have to provide the tools. Some lucky guy’s ticket gets drawn, and Mumia is put up against a wall and shot. The guy who shot him gets bragging rights, Daniel Faulkner’s family finally gets long-overdue justice, the state and the local Fraternal Order of Police chapter make some money, and tax payers can take solace in knowing that their money is no longer paying for a cop-killing scumbag to live. Hell, even the liberal douchebags will have a new martyr to use in their protests that nobody but them gives a fuck about. Everyone wins. Except for Mumia, but he won’t mind, because he’ll be dead.

Bands like “Rage Against The Machine” and “Anti-Flag” have tried to compare Mumia to Nelson Mandela by calling him a political prisoner. I’ve never owned a Rage Against The Machine CD, but I used to like Anti-Flag back in high school, so I own two of their CDs. Hearing them say shit like “Mumia is innocent” boils my blood. Congrats Anti-Flag, you cost yourselves a fan.

Part of me really hopes some of Mumia’s homies find this article, because people in the same camp as Mumia are hyper-aggressive morons who will send me all kinds of death threats, reinforcing the stereotypes I’ll be accused of promoting.

There’s really no point in wasting money on trials that are just going to keep getting appealed, nor is there any point in allowing him to continue to leech off of my tax dollars. Just go ahead and free the bastard so some vigilante can do the world a favor and kill him.

If Officer Faulkner’s family suddenly comes out and supports freeing Mumia, you’ll know why. You’re welcome Philly. You’re welcome America.