My Dear Beer - A poem by Frosty Mugg

Beer, my one true love!

Happy Valentine’s Day Muggheads!

Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate the miracle of love. Every February 14th the guys buy their gals flowers and candy and cards, serenading them with sappy sonnets and profoundly professing how precious their personal princesses are.

But not your pal Frosty!

The date may be February 14th, but I don’t have a date. That’s right readers, ol’ Frosty’s going stag this year!

You’re probably wondering what happened to that Janet chick I was seeing.

Hey, does anyone know what happened to my Chinese friend Peter? I haven’t seen him in 7 years.

Fret not for Frosty, friends, for Frosty may be single, but he’s not alone! For even in the darkest day or the brightest night, a crisp amber light shines bright.

Shit, I can’t rhyme bright with bright, can I? Nope, I cannot. That’s okay, I like bottles better than cans anyway!

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I wrote a poem for my one true love: Beer! Whenever I’m down and out, I pour out a cold beer into my mug and down it! Unlike SOME people, beer is always there for me.

Beer is good every month, but February is a REALLY good month for beer. February is about love, and I love beer!

Shit, I said that already, didn’t I? Did I already make the joke about February and brews?

Cool, I didn’t!

February is a perfect month for beer because it’s right there in the name. “Feb-BREW-wary”. No other month has “brew” in it. I mean yeah, some of them end with “ber” which looks and sounds kind of like “beer”. But it’s NOT beer! That’s like drinking O’Douls. It’s close but it’s not beer!

Alright, so I wrote this poem about beer. Check this out:

My dear beer

How you are always here

Ready to fill Frosty with cheer

Your beauty truly has no peer

A treasure I shall always keep near

Amber, crisp, refreshing, cold

Smooth, pleasant, refreshing, bold

Tasty, bubbly, flavorful and gold

Relaxing, comforting to hold

Every new bottle a new story untold

My dearest beer

You’re the love of my life

If you were a woman

I’d gladly make you my wife

Your beauty intoxicates me

Lifts me up when I feel low

You light up my darkness

With your sweet amber glow

You are my everything

My muse, my soul, my heart

I cannot imagine my life

Should we ever find ourselves apart

Oh wait there was that one time

When I lost that contest many years ago

And I had to go sober for an entire year

So yeah I guess I DO know!

I ended up with cuffs on my hands

And banned from a bunch of foreign lands

Remaining drunk was one of the judge’s demands

So I guess that my point still stands

Now put a beer in my hands!

They said I can’t rhyme “hands” with “hands”

I can’t use the same word twice

Just who are they to judge my poem?

That’s not very nice!

But my beer, it DOESN’T judge

Beer is very kind and forgiving

A life without a cold beer in my hand

Is hardly a life worth living

I’m getting kind of thirsty

So it’s time to wrap this up

It’s time to go find more beer

And pour myself a cup!

Happy Valentine’s Day! May you all find love on this glorious day! I know I sure have!

Frosty Mugg

Frosty is a reckless idiot, a drunk bastard, and a walking bad decision. When he’s not on a bar stool, he’s usually writing half-cocked articles or making things worse for everyone involved. Due to a major international incident, he is legally required to remain intoxicated at all times.

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