The Pope is dead, and I wanna replace him!
The other day I was at my usual bar, sitting on my usual stool, drinking my usual drink, and being reminded by my usual bartender that his name isn’t Barty, when my usual drinking buddy Rosey Jim walked in.
I didn’t even need to turn my head to know that Rosey Jim had stepped through the threshold of Yellowz Bar and Grill, because I could smell him. You might think that he smells like roses. Well, you’d be thinking wrong! Much like my fat friend Slim (I miss you!!), Rosey Jim’s name was ironic. Rosey Jim smelled like body odor and shit.
Have you ever sniffed a carton of milk that expired two months ago because someone said they’d buy you a six pack? I have! I even drank that milk too! And you know what? It still smelled better than Rosey Jim!
So Rosey Jim plops his stinky ass (and everything else!!) right down next to me. Thankfully, I have a little trick that I like to employ so I don’t smell Rosey Jim’s funk. That trick is to drink! By the time Rosey Jim shows up, I make sure I’m so drunk that I can’t smell anything. My motto in life is “When in doubt, drink!”, and that motto has served me well since I was a child.
You know what I loved as a child? Kid Cuisine. Remember that shit? The pizza one always came with beer. Everyone says untrue things like “Fun Feast was better” and “What the hell are you talking about Frosty, Kid Cuisine didn’t come with beer.” Well if it didn’t come with beer then where did I get the beer from? Didn’t think of that one, did you smart ass?
Where was I? Oh yeah, the Pope thing.
Rosey Jim tells me that Pope Francis died. I asked him who the next Pope is, and, get this, he tells me that they’re holding an election to decide!
That sounds like fun, and I want in! Frosty Mugg (hey that’s me!) is throwing his hat (hey that’s my hat!) into the ring. That’s right readers, I’m running for Pope!
Here’s a bunch of reasons why YOU should vote for Frosty Mugg for Pope this election!
Frosty Mugg is religious!
I’m no Catholic, but I’ve been to church a few times and had a couple of beers with a couple of priests so I totally get what they’re talking about.
A lot of people even compare me to Jesus! They’re putting me right up there next to the guy, always saying “Jesus Christ Frosty!” I’m not Jesus, and I DEFINITELY don’t want to be nailed to a cross, but if they’re comparing me to God’s son then that counts for something. I think (drink)?
Hey, do you think that when Jesus gets upset he says “Mesus Christ!”?
Frosty Mugg is the people’s Pope!
If you elect me as Pope, I promise to be a Pope of the people!
That Francis guy was great and all, but what did he do for you? I don’t know about you, but I know that he didn’t do anything for me. He was good on that show Malcolm in the Middle, but when he became Pope he forgot about all the little people. (Christopher Kennedy Masterson wasn’t the pope, Frosty… ~Ed.)
Francis was racist too. I saw a picture of him washing some black people’s feet. I think he did this because he thinks black people are just black because they’re dirty. Why didn’t he wash any white people’s feet? I’ll tell you why! Because he thought they were clean! What a racist jerk!
Frosty Mugg is no racist, folks! And he (me!) doesn’t have a foot fetish either! No matter what color your skin is, Pope Frosty isn’t going to wash your feet for you. That’s YOUR job, not MINE! It’s not my fault you’re too lazy to wash your own god-damned feet! God helps those who help themselves.
Frosty Mugg has experience!
The Pope is the boss of all priests everywhere. That means he tells priests what to do. I told a priest to have another beer once, and he listened! Telling priests what to do isn’t so hard!
Frosty Mugg will END child abuse by priests!
The first thing I would tell priests to do is stop molesting kids. Instead of five-year-old rears I’d tell them to have five ice cold beers. Then after five beers they’d probably keep drinking, because who stops at just five beers? The priests would be so drunk that they wouldn’t be able to molest kids even if they wanted to. I’m drunk all the time, and you don’t see me molesting any kids!
Frosty Mugg had a friend named Peter!
I used to have a Chinese friend named Peter. I think Peter is the guy who lets you into heaven when you die. He’s the bouncer at God’s nightclub!
I don’t know what happened to my Chinese friend Peter, but I do know that if you vote for me as Pope, Peter will let you into heaven! Not Chinese Peter, the other one.
Frosty Mugg likes wearing hats!
Did you ever notice that I’m always wearing a hat in every picture? That’s because I like wearing hats!
If I become Pope then I get to wear that big funny hat. Just imagine how funny I would look in it!
Frosty Mugg loves beer!
I love beer! And the courts love when I drink beer, because if I don’t then I get sent back to jail!
Hey, whatever happened to the Sober Police? I haven’t seen them in over a year. Are they still a thing or what?
If I become Pope though I get free beer. How does the Pope get free beer, you ask? If the Pope walks into a bar does he have to pay for his beer? Hell no! If the bartender makes the Pope pay for his beer, then that bartender is going straight to hell! Go directly to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200!
Frosty Mugg is done writing this article!
If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a conclave to crash! Vote for me!
More from Frosty Mugg
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