Axes don’t kill people, Juggalos kill people (DrakeGTA Archives)

From the DrakeGTA Archives: An article about Juggalos!

Remember when it was cool to hate Juggalos? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Is “Pepperidge Farm remembers” still a relevant joke? I don’t know, I’m not even sure if Juggalos are still relevant.

For the uninitiated, Juggalos are fans of horrorcore rap duo Insane Clown Posse, two retards from Detroit who painted their faces like rejected members of KISS and rapped about edgy shit.

At least, that’s what I’d have said 15 years ago.

I’m still not a huge fan of ICP, but I’m not a hater anymore. I’ve actually grown to like horrorcore rap, I listen to shit like Vinnie Paz, Ill Bill, Slaine, Necro, Bizarre, King Gordy, and a bunch of other underground artists most of you have probably never even heard of. Conveniently enough, I’m listening to La Coka Nostra’s A Brand You Can Trust while I’m writing this. Underground horrorcore has a rawness to it that mainstream rap is severely lacking these days. I won’t pretend it’s all good (in fact, most of it is straight up trash), but when it hits, it hits hard.

I ended up burying the hatchet after getting dragged to a party full of Juggalos by a girl I was chatting up. Since I was outnumbered about 30 to 1, I decided to play it safe by getting drunk and socializing with them. I ended up having a great time, while the girl had an anxiety attack and sat quietly in a corner all night. She later accused me of trying too hard to fit in. Go figure.

Anyway, in the late ’00s and ’10s Juggalos were receiving all kinds of negative publicity because of ICP’s graphic and intense lyrics. It also probably didn’t help that the average Juggalo was a white trash lunatic with a hair trigger temper. Every now and then a Juggalo would kill someone, and the media would sensationalize it and push the idea that all Juggalos were just murderers waiting to kill the first person who said boo to them. It got to the point where several states actually classified Juggalos as a gang on par with groups like the Crips, the Bloods, or the Latin Kings. Realistically, that was probably going too far, but at the same time I found it funny that even the government hated Juggalos.

Most Juggalos were violent white trash lunatics, but there’s always an exception to every rule. Drake was that exception. As a Juggalo, Drake may have been white trash (according to himself), but he wasn’t violent or a lunatic. Still, it didn’t stop me from busting his balls about being a Juggalo.

This article, written by Drake in March of 2010, was a quick satirical take on the media’s exaggerated portrayal of Juggalos. I don’t think Drake was seriously upset over it, he knew how Juggalos were. I think he saw this more as firing back at sensationalistic reporting. Anyone with half a brain knew that Juggalos weren’t actually on par with street gangs. Violent hair-trigger tempers or not, they were mostly just a bunch of dumb outcasts who found an identity through some mediocre rappers in clown makeup.

As quick and simple as the article was, I still think it’s funny as hell. Half the article is a reference to internet classic Real Ultimate Power, which will always be funny to me. Then there’s a random reference to Khan from Star Trek, thrown in there because why the fuck not. My favorite bit though is “Jewagglos”. I’m sitting here laughing like an idiot as I’m writing this, and my coworkers are looking at me and probably wondering if I’m okay.

This is “Axes don’t kill people, Juggalos kill people”, originally published to DrakeGTA.com on March 16, 2010.

Also, fuck you for dissing Necro, Drake. At least Necro isn’t prancing around on stage in clown makeup like a faggot.

(Miss you bud)

So have you heard about this shit? This is what happens when I stop posting for a couple of weeks. We’re talking about a group of people calling themselves “Juggalos” going around, whilin’ out, lopping heads off with battle axes and bludgeoning people to death with baseball bats. The streets are flowing red with the blood of innocents, and the walls are painted in clown make up. Surely, the end is near.

Intrigued, Douchy Douchebaggerton, Investigative reporter for ABCs news, has launched a full scale investigation. Here are just a few of the facts he has uncovered… (and original video)

1. Juggalos are gang members.
2. Juggalos murder ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the Juggalo is to flip out and kill people.
4. Most ghost towns are not really ghost towns, just places where Juggalos killed everyone.
5. Juggalos can’t play guitar, but they can play “Flight of the Bumblebee” on your severed esophagus.
6. Juggalos did 9/11 (In cooperation with the Jews. [We call them Jewagglos.])
7. Deuce Bigalow was not a Juggalo, he was a man-whore.
8. Pol Pot was most likely a Juggalo.
9. As was Genghis Khan.
10. King Kong was a monkey, not a Juggalo.
11. Khan Noonien Singh may have been a Juggalo
12. John de Lancie is the ringmaster.
13. Dark Carnival is probably not a cruise line.
14. All ICP/Twizid/ABK videos are real life snuff tapes filmed live before a Juggalo audiance.
15. A Juggalo will kill you, eat your corpse, and rape you, in that order.
16. Necro is still a little bitch.
17. Gothapotamus is a Juggalette, maybe.

DrakeGTA

The DrakeGTA Archives are a memorial to DrakeGTA, a dear friend and one of the finest writers the internet has ever seen. His writings are preserved here at AngryJerk.net to ensure they don’t become lost to the annals of time.

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