Is it gay to have sex with your own clone?

Is having sex with a clone of yourself gay, or is it considered masturbation?

So the other day me, Sam, and Marc (the property manager for the building our office is in and a good friend of mine for the last 15 years) were hanging out at my place kicking back a few beers and bullshitting over rounds of Uno.

Somehow the topic of cloning came up, and with it the greatest debate of our time: Is it gay to have sex with a clone of yourself?

I being of the firm stance that, yes, it is gay to have sex with a clone of yourself, took it upon myself to educate these idiots.

While the other person is an exact clone of you, the fact remains that it’s still another person, and that other person is a member of the same sex. Having sex with someone who is the same gender is, by definition, gay. Therefore, ipso facto, it is gay to have sex with a clone of yourself.

Sam and Marc both disagreed. Their argument focused less on the gender of the clone, and more on the idea that it’s you. You’re having sex with yourself, Sam argued, and that constituted masturbation. The clone was another body, but it’s not another person, because it’s a clone of you.

I countered this argument quite easily. Just because it’s a clone of you doesn’t mean it’s literally you. Is the clone doing everything you’re doing at the exact same time? Is it thinking the exact same thoughts as you? Chances are it’s not. While its actions and decisions will most likely be similar in nature to what you might do, it’s still making those choices on its own. Your clone is still technically its own person, which means you are having sex with someone of the same gender, which is gay.

I clarified that the exception to this rule would be if there were a basketball in the room. As everyone knows, it’s not gay if there’s a basketball in the room, it’s considered consensual bro love.

Realizing that he was losing to my superior debating skills, Sam tried to change the question: Is it gay to masturbate to yourself?

This might seem like a bit of a gray area at first, but once you think about it it’s pretty simple. Masturbating to a picture of yourself or your own reflection is not only fucking weird, but it’s also gay as well.

Sam again argued that it wasn’t. Masturbating to yourself, Sam argued, wasn’t gay because it’s not another person. This time my previous argument of there being a separate person wouldn’t work, because it’s yourself in the photo or in the reflection in the mirror.

And Sam was right. Masturbating to an image of yourself doesn’t involve another person, and it’s not gay in that respect.

However, it’s still gay, because you’re masturbating to the appearance of someone who is the same gender. Even if I’m masturbating to a picture of myself, the fact remains that I’m still getting off to a man’s body and/or face. Undoubtedly gay.

It was then that Marc changed things up entirely: What about having sex with a version of yourself that’s the opposite sex?

Marc, who has an obsession with the Marvel Cinematic Universe that some (me) might call unhealthy, invoked the events of Loki, where Loki meets and falls in love with an alternate female version of himself, Sylvie.

Now obviously this isn’t gay, because in this case the other version of you is the opposite gender. However, it should qualify as incestuous. I broke it down for Marc.

In one timeline, my parents had me as I am now, a male. But in another timeline, they had a girl instead, who we’ll call Eve. By all accounts, AJ and Eve are the same person, save for being different genders. We have the same parents, which means we’d share the same generic material. AJ and Eve may come from two different timelines, but they’re still technically fraternal twins. So if AJ were to have sex with Eve, it would be the same as two siblings having sex, i.e. incest, i.e. fucking disgusting.

Faced with my unrelenting and undefeatable logic, Sam did the only thing he could think of.

“Let’s call Stephanie and see what she thinks.”

So I did. Stephanie picked up, obviously in the middle of a run. After exchanging our usual pleasantries of her calling me a douche and me calling her a bitch, I gave her the rundown on our debate and invited her to give her input.

The bean counter was confused at first (as most people would be if they received a phone call out of nowhere asking if it’s gay to have sex with your own clone), but then she realized who she was talking to, and gave her interpretation of things.

“Where the hell do you guys come up with this shit?”

“Gay or not, Steph?”

“Gay, I guess.”

Marc had already checked out of the debate and was playing a game on his phone, but Sam was beside himself. Sam repeated his previous masturbatory argument. Stephanie disagreed, unknowingly repeating my argument that it’s still having sex with another person of the same gender, i.e. gay.

Finally, Sam admitted defeat, saying that we were idiots and this argument was dumb and he was done with it. Victory!

I rubbed Sam’s nose in it. I got up and did a victory dance, which was really just a poor version of the Charleston mixed with extra hand swinging a la Tom Jones (or Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air if you grew up in the 90’s, or the popular Fortnite dance that isn’t flossing if you’re under 18). I threw in some twerking too for good measure.

Nah but seriously I’m kind of interested to hear what others think. Is having sex with your own clone gay, or is it masturbation? Is it incestuous to have sex with a clone of yourself who’s the opposite gender? And how about masturbating to your own reflection or a picture of yourself? Gay or nah? This is the greatest debate of our time, and I want to hear from you (yes, YOU!) about it.

Angry_Jerk

Adam “The Angry Jerk” Baker is the CEO of The AJnet Organization and Editor-in-Chief of AJnet Magazine. A grizzled internet veteran of over 20 years, he writes about politics, culture, and whatever else manages to annoy him that day.

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