Battlestation Review: Door Desk Edition

In this edition of Battlestation Reviews: Controlled chaos, pink, doors for desks, and more!

I still haven’t come up with a good name for this series.

Cave, one of our regular readers, threw out a couple of suggestions a while back, and, while they were on the right track, they lacked that AJnet Oomph™, that signature flair that our readers have come to know us for. If I’m gonna give this series a clever name, then it’s gotta be real clever. I may write a lot of these on my phone, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to start phoning this shit in. We have standards here at AJnet Magazine, and as the CEO and Editor-in-Chief I demand nothing but excellence. This isn’t amateur hour, we’re fucking professionals here.

With that in mind, since I can’t come up with anything clever, I’m just going to go ahead and officially brand my battlestation review articles as “Battlestation Reviews“. That’s right, I said OFFICIALLY. No more “(Better name pending!)”, this shit’s for real now.

Anyway, in this edition of Battlestation Reviews, we’ve got some good stuff. We’ve got a setup that’s cluttered but still looks neat, and another one that’s so boring it puts pets to sleep. Do you like the color pink? We’ve got a setup that’s barfing it. And after we’re done mounting a rescue mission for Anya from Spy x Family, we’ll be visiting a veteran who turned a door into a desk.

Strap in, and maybe put a helmet on too. This one’s gonna be wild.

1. Controlled chaos

At first glance, this looks like a messy shithole. But then you really look at it, and you see it’s… surprisingly neat.

The insane amount of stuff on the walls makes this battlestation look like it could be a chaotic and cluttered mess, but it’s all placed so well that everything makes sense.

There’s a heavy emphasis on retro gaming here. Those digital picture frames with pictures of Super Mario Bros 3, Sonic the Hedgehog 3, and Super Metroid look dope, I might steal that one for myself. The wall-mounted Super Scope also looks pretty cool. And, I’m not 100% sure, but is that a picture of Mike Matei next to the Trollface? There’s also the CRT TV playing Streets of Rage 2. Nice retro stuff, points awarded. Makes me want to take a break from Hogwarts Legacy and play some old school retro stuff again.

The other decorations are cool too, even if I don’t understand all of them. The Korn sign is something I’d definitely have had on my wall when I was a teenager. I’m not really into them all that much anymore, at least, not enough to buy a sign like that. Don’t think I missed that Green Day Kerplunk poster. Points awarded.

For as messy as this setup looks, it still looks pretty good, and I could see myself chilling here playing some retro games. 7/10.

2. It’s a battlestation about nothing.

This is one of those setups that’s so sterile and bland that it looks like it came from Reddit, but nope, it’s actually from 4chan. I suspect 4chan is in the middle of a migration of Redditors, and that’s why we’re starting to see more of this sort of thing. You have to go back.

This shit is so boring that I’m not sure why the person bothered to share it. The highlight of this entire setup is the desktop wallpaper, which is just Jerry’s apartment from Seinfeld. The only thing on the walls is a poster of some band that I can’t identify. It’s fine if you don’t want your walls to look like the last picture, but put something up. Don’t you have any interests? Get some canvas art of something, anything. Hell, get canvas art of Jerry’s apartment. Anything is better than nothing. Even your cat thinks your setup is boring.

2/10, but has the potential to be at least 5/10 if you add some personality.

3. The litter box

This person has a penis.

How do I know? For starters, unless this person is Professor Umbridge from the Harry Potter series, no biological woman uses this much pink and cat stuff in their decorating. Also, I glanced at their Reddit history, and there’s only one picture of them, cut off at the head and very clearly wearing a stuffed bra. A biological woman with this much pink would have included herself in every picture of her setup.

And hey, that’s okay. It’s 2025, and AJnet Mag is with the times now. Being trans is, as the kids say, “bussin, no cap”. I judge a man’s character by what comes out of his mouth, not what comes in it.

I also judge this setup as having too much cat shit. We get it, “Neko neko kawaii desu ^.^”. The pink is fine, but there’s just way too much cat going on. You’ve got three pairs of cat ear headphones, why? The mousepads with the cat paw wrist rests seem stupid and impractical for actual use. I don’t even want to know what you do with those cat gloves on your arm rests, but unfortunately I can put two and two together. And, dear God, are you using a cat bed for a chair cushion?!

0/10, stay away from me and my family you fucking weirdo.

4. Somebody save poor Anya please.

This is exactly the kind of setup I’d expect to see on 4chan.

Listen dude, I like Spy x Family just as much as anyone, but having an Anya body pillow is fucking weird. I forgave the Miku guy for his Miku body pillow, since Miku is supposed to be 16, and that’s considered the legal age of consent in most of the world outside the US. But Anya is only six years old.

My brother in Christ, you need help. This isn’t acceptable behavior for an adult male (or anyone, for that matter). You can’t go around sexualizing six-year-olds, even if they’re fictional characters. Especially ones that can read your mind, and can hear every sick thought you’re having about them- aaaaaaaaand you’re probably fapping to this now.

0/10, unironically kill yourself. I’m serious. Hop into your mom’s car, take it onto the nearest freeway, get it up to 100 MPH, then drive it directly into the first overpass wall you come across. I wish Loid and Yor Forger were real, so they’d both voluntarily blow their covers and come kill you for your degeneracy.

5. Desk doors and defacement

This setup belongs to a US Army veteran.

On one hand, this person understands enough about the United States Flag Code to know that the American flag should be folded into a triangle when not being flown. But on the other hand, he’s went and defaced an image of the flag by writing his name on it. I mean, technically it’s only an image of the flag (it seems to be made from several painted pieces of wood), and I can’t find anything that indicates US Flag Code applies to images of the flag. But it’s still tacky, and I’m surprised that a veteran who took his service seriously enough to display his DD-256 (Honorable Discharge Certificate), his boots, and a properly folded flag wouldn’t find it in bad taste to write his own name on a painted image of the flag.

Nice Ka-Bar though. I’ve got one, they’re pretty good knives:

Nonetheless, you have a very clear and concise theme, so I’ll award some points for the decor.

What really stood out to me with this setup though is this guy’s use of a wooden door for a desk. He’s taken two Ikea ALEX drawers and placed a wooden door on top of them, and it genuinely looks better than many desks I’ve seen. It definitely looks better than the Ikea LAGKAPTEN/LINNMON desks. Every day I kick myself for buying these overpriced cardboard-filled pieces of shit, and one day I’m going to order some wood and custom-build my own desk. It’s expensive and time-consuming, but it’ll be so worth it to be rid of these awful Ikea tables. People around here are always throwing away wooden doors for some reason, so maybe I’ll trash pick a few and repurpose them to save on lumber. Points awarded for this clever little trick that’s both practical and aesthetically pleasing.

I’ll give this setup a 6/10. Aside from the decor and the door for a desk, there’s nothing else too remarkable about it.

So I’ve been doing some rummaging around through my files, and I’ve come across pictures of some of my old setups. I’m not gonna lie, most of them are awful. But I still think it’ll be fun to take a look and see just how far I’ve come over the last 15 years, so I’ll probably do a Battlestation Review article about them in the near future.

Until then, if you’ve got a battlestation you’d like to submit for review in a future article, or if your setup was one of the ones featured in this article and you want to give us additional information, correct us, or give us an update, drop us a line in the comments or by email at [email protected].

Angry_Jerk

Adam “The Angry Jerk” Baker is the CEO of The AJnet Organization and Editor-in-Chief of AJnet Magazine. A grizzled internet veteran of over 20 years, he writes about politics, culture, and whatever else manages to annoy him that day.

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