Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!
Juan tell story about autistic Miguel work at Uncle Paco shop cut onion and sing song from gringo movie Jay and silent Bob. Juan get many email ask about Miguel say “ey Juan Miguel still work at Uncle Paco shop tell more story por favor” Juan tell you now.
Miguel still work at Uncle Paco’s Tacos and T-shirts shop cut onion and help Juan make taco and burrito in lunch truck. Juan think Uncle Paco must fire Miguel he is muy loco but Uncle Paco say no is hijo de amiga no fire Miguel. Juan tell Uncle Paco Miguel play too much no work. Uncle Paco say “Juanito there is no bad student only bad teacher” what in the hell Juan very good teacher but Uncle Paco own restaurant so Juan must listen.
Juan teach Miguel how to make chili like recipe Juan share on AJnet website. Juan tell Miguel “okay Miguel we pull pork now Juan show you is easy”. Miguel say “yes Juan I pull pork too I show you” and play with dick. Boricua Luis come into kitchen see Miguel play with dick say “what the fuck why you do this Miguel”. Miguel tell Boricua Luis “Juan tell me to do it jefe”. Juan tell Boricua Luis that Miguel tell lie but Boricua Luis no listen believe Miguel instead. Boricua Luis tell Uncle Paco and Uncle Paco yell at Juan say no bully autistic Miguel. Juan muy enojado but Juan remember Uncle Paco have heart attack so Juan say “yes Uncle Paco I am sorry for play joke on Miguel I no do again”. Uncle Paco and Boricua Luis leave then Miguel laugh at Juan and stick hand in butt say “ey Juan smell my finger por favor”. Juan tell Miguel “no Miguel smell this” and fart. Miguel say “¡Dios mío! Check pants Juan I think you go poop”. Juan say yes you are right Miguel I go home and change pants Juan go home no come back tell Uncle Paco car is broken now go to Mi Primo Hector shop get fixed. Juan tell lie car no broke no go to Mi Primo Hector shop. Instead Juan go to bodega Mi Hermano Rico and crazy gringo Frosty drink mucho Corona make Miguel do mucho work.
Today Juan read question about friend try to make rap music.
Dear Juan,
So I’ve got this friend who’s really into rap music. That’s not bad by itself, but now he thinks he’s going to be a rapper. He’s got a notebook full of raps and poems that he wrote and every day at lunch he spits them for us. We lie to him and tell him he’s good but when he leaves we make fun of him. His raps just suck. They’re not good, and he has no flow. At all.
Yesterday he was rapping and he said the n-word. Not with an r but with an a, like “n**ga”. He’s a skinny white boy named Paul (Last name removed ~Ed.) from Scarborough. Our black friends pretended like it was cool but I could tell they weren’t happy about it. This has gone on for too long. He’s going to get himself beat up or stabbed. How do I get my dumb ass friend to give up his dream of being a rapper?
KG from Toronto
Señor KG Juan know how you feel because Juan have friend make music but no good. Juan tell you story now.
Long time ago in Ciudad Juárez Juan have friend Manuel. Manuel say “I am going to be in band Juan listen I play music”. Manuel play guitar but guitar make sound Juan hear when Uncle Paco run over el gato.
Manuel also play music narcocorrido. You say “Juan what is narcocorrido?” Narcocorrido is song about cartel and drugs. Gringo rapper always talk about sell mucho drug kill everyone well in Mexico narcocorrido sing about this too but is no rap. Manuel sing many song about sell drug and kill person but Manuel no really sell drug kill person. Juan say “Manuel what you do you no in cartel no sing narcocorrido song”. Big Hernando have uncle in cartel hear Manuel sing narcocorrido song Big Hernando say “Manuel you no in cartel stupid idiot no sing narcocorrido song pendejo is dangerous”. Manuel say “ey ese shut the fuck up I kill you leave you in desert cabrón no fuck with me I am narcocorrido”. Big Hernando beat up Manuel say no sing narcocorrido song anymore is for own safety stupid idiot.
Manuel say “I am narcocorrido you no stop me” and go to park with guitar. Manuel sing narcocorrido song at park but cartel own park. Cartel hear Manuel sing narcocorrido song but is about other cartel instead so cartel say “ey punk why you sing about other cartel we kill you puto”. Cartel say “You no sing about other cartel without tongue amigo” and cut out Manuel tongue. Cartel take Manuel tongue say “okay I clean boots now señor” and clean cowboy boots with Manuel tongue. Cartel throw tongue on ground land on dog poop say “oops you drop tongue señor I pick up for you”. Cartel put poop tongue in Manuel mouth say “your breath stink amigo we call you Señor Stinky Breath now hahaha” sing narcocorrido song about man name Señor Stinky Breath. Manuel no sing again and Juan see Manuel sweep dirty floor in Tijuana bar.
Señor KG, you are very good friend you try help no get hurt and that is good but friend no listen so now you must let him learn lesson. Juan know it is very hard Juan very sad see Manuel get tongue cut out by cartel but Juan try to help Manuel Big Hernando try too. Manuel no listen so that is his fault. Juan think friend no get tongue cut out like Manuel try make rap music but you say friend say bad word about black person and that is very dangerous.
You must tell friend truth, Señor KG. You tell friend he no make good rap music. You must also tell friend no say n word around black person. You tell friend this because you are good friend. If friend no listen then that is his fault and he get beat up by angry black person say “yo punk you no make rap music say n word stupid idiot white boy you think you are Eminem cabrón that is fine I beat you up like Eminem beat up wife in song”. Friend get beat up is not your fault Señor KG.
Best of luck to you amigo.
Do you have a problem and need Señor Juan’s advice? Leave a comment below or send Juan an email at [email protected], and your question may be answered in a future Dear Juan article!
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