REDDIT REVUE: r/AITAH

This month’s Reddit Revue: r/AITAH!

There’s a saying that goes “If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, then you’re the asshole.

Just the other day I was coming back across the bridge from New Jersey (side note: I think it’s hilarious that you can enter New Jersey for free but you have to pay to leave; It’s almost like they’re holding you for ransom). I went through one of the hybrid EZ-Pass/cash lanes, but my EZ-Pass didn’t work. Cars behind me are honking, I’m sitting there yelling to the guy working the toll booth that his shit’s broken, it’s a bad scene all around. He scans my EZ-Pass and tells me there’s no money on it. I called bullshit, because I had it linked with my bank card to auto-replenish. The guy says he doesn’t know, his scanner shows there’s not enough money in the account to pay the toll. I broke out the greenbacks, and when I got home I checked my EZ-Pass account.

As it turns out, I had gotten a new card from PNC Bank a month ago and forgotten to update my EZ-Pass. Here I was bitching at this toll booth guy, and the entire thing was my fault.

In this case, I was the asshole.

But sometimes these things aren’t always so clear-cut. Life isn’t always black and white. Sometimes something happens and you’re not sure who’s to blame for it. Is the other person the asshole, or is the asshole the guy (or girl, we don’t discriminate here at AJnet) in the mirror?

Thankfully, we have strangers on the internet to evaluate the facts for us and help us make those tough decisions.

r/AITAH (not to be confused with r/AmItheAsshole) is a subreddit where unsure Redditors can present their cases for moral evaluation by some of the most upstanding people on the internet. From petty arguments with roommates over dishes to barking dogs to family squabbles, the fine folks at r/AITAH are standing by to help you figure out who’s really at fault.

Today though, the Dishonorable Judge AJ is presiding over their disputes. My greatest judicial influences include Judge Judy, Judge Dredd, that 10cc song “Good Morning Judge”, and some episodes of Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law (most of which I was drunk and high when I watched). Are you the asshole? I’ll be the judge of that, motherfucker.

You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge AJ. The people are real fucking stupid. The cases are real, except the ones that are obviously made up for karma farming. The rulings are final. This is the Reddit Revue.

Jesus Christ, who the hell taught you how to write? I had a stroke trying to read this.

I rule in favor of your friend, since you’re just barely coherent. Go back to school before you come into my courtroom again.

Your neighbor’s very obviously an asshole. Don’t bring this namby pamby karma farming nonsense into my courtroom.

The court finds that, while you’re not an asshole, you’re definitely a pussy for censoring the word “suicide”.

Your husband is an asshole for sure. Further, I’m granting a motion for discovery so I can find out what phone he’s using that’s loud enough to be heard from two floors down.

Hey Automoderator, you wanna come up here and take the bench?

You don’t issue the verdicts here, I do. I hear anymore out of you and I’m holding you in contempt of court.

Lady, you sound like a total control freak. The court finds that you’re a crazy bitch, and orders you to one year of therapy.

It looks like you already handled this one in arbitration. Next time don’t be so quick to jump to conclusions.

Private therapy around your mouth and throat? That doesn’t sound like a therapist, that sounds like THE RAPIST.

The court issues an injunction ordering the therapy practice to cease operations immediately.

There’s no way this is real. Case dismissed with prejudice.

You sound like a real blast to work with. What kind of person reports their coworkers to HR for congratulating someone on getting married? What masochistic bastard actually married this woman?

You’re not just an asshole, you’re a bitch too.

Sir, you need to speak clearer. I can’t understand you.

You’re definitely an asshole for making fun of your bald husband. My verdict is not influenced by personal bias in any way whatsoever.

I defer here to the legal precedent set by Pot v Kettle. The court finds Sophie guilty of second degree hypocrisy.

Doing a little thot patrolling and teaching rude people some manners? Your brother isn’t autistic, he’s just based. Your parents are the assholes here for trying to turn him into a softcunt. I rule in favor of your brother, and order his legal emancipation from his parents, effective immediately.

What’d I tell you Automoderator? I’m the judge here, not you. I’m holding you in contempt of court. If I hear another word out of you you’re gone.

Let the record show that Full_Pace7666 just got FUCKING OWNED.

Sick Rick and Morty reference broh.

Does it make you feel good to go on Reddit and tell exuberant lies?

You’re full of shit, Mr. Raizor. Story time’s over, get the hell out of my courtroom.

Period party? What the fuck kind of Jeffrey Epstein shit is this?

I don’t feel like screenshotting the whole post, so read it here.

No, some of those fuckers are annoying as shit, and I’m tired of pretending they aren’t. I’m issuing an injunction making it socially acceptable to make fun of retards again, but only if they’re really annoying.

Also, I’m tired of screenshotting huge posts multiple times, and the Reddit app doesn’t play nice with the Pixel’s screenshot feature for some reason, so I’m just going to link to the full posts from here on out.

You’re an archeologist, not a preschooler. She’s obviously having sex with the chief. It’s none of your business. Stop worrying about what this lady thinks and start worrying about yourself. Shut the hell up, do your damn job, and stop crying.

Full post here.

I rule in favor of the 17 year old. Your mother sounds like a real ungrateful cunt.

Your daughter is going to write your name in her Death Note.

You’re absolutely right, it does sound stupid. Get the fuck out of my courtroom, and get the fuck off my internet.

The verdict is you’re a narcissistic cunt. The court orders you to cry harder, you entitled bitch.

I’m going to need to see the evidence on this one.

This is the kind of stuff that gets play on r/AITAH.

I find you guilty of pedophilia, because there’s no way your wife is a grown adult when she’s behaving like that. That’s 20 years in the cubes, creep.

The court finds you guilty of the attempted involuntary manslaughter of Pepe the Frog. You are hereby sentenced to six months of community service as a janitor on 4chan.

If my girl did this I’d go OJ Simpson on her ass.

Full post here.

Judge AJ orders you to ask Señor Juan.

The court orders you to kill yourself, you over-sensitive pussy.

Alright, that’s it Automoderator, you’re outta here. Bailiff, remove this fucking bedbug from my courtroom.

The court finds that everyone here is at fault.

You’re at fault because rather than assert yourself as an adult and tell her parents to fuck off, you’re on Reddit crying about it to strangers.

Her parents are at fault for acting like it’s 1702.

Your girlfriend is at fault for dating a wuss.

I’m at fault for wasting my time reading this bullshit.

Alright, it’s time to put down the gavel and hang up my robe for today.

The Honorable Judge UsedConversation831 will be taking the bench in my place, with his savage fucking burns.

r/AITAH seems like a great place to go if you want someone to give you a pat on the ass or if you’re trying to farm Reddit karma. Seriously, most of these posts are so clear cut that it makes me wonder why the person even needed to ask if they were in the wrong. “Am I wrong for politely saying something to my neighbor about their dog barking all day?” “My father abused me. Am I wrong for cutting off contact with him?”

There were also a lot of posts about having abortions for some reason. I’m not kidding:

Why the fuck would you go to r/AITAH for something this serious? Why would you go to strangers on Reddit for this at all?

The majority of posts on r/AITAH were pretty long, which I’m starting to find doesn’t work too well for Reddit Revues. Throwing one or two in here and there isn’t that bad, but I can’t expect readers to read a bunch of long ass Reddit posts all the time. Plus, there’s a bug with either my Google Pixel’s screenshot feature or with the Reddit app, because this is what I get when I try to take a long screenshot:

The screenshot looks like it’s having a fucking stroke. Taking multiple screenshots is a pain in the ass, so going forward we’ll be doing way less long Reddit posts. Short, sweet, and simple.

Anyway, our company is relocating operations to New Jersey in September, so in that spirit I feel it’s only right that next month we revisit r/antiwork. A reader requested it, and I’ve wanted to revisit it for a while now, so this is the perfect excuse. We’ve also got a couple other subreddits up for the chopping block, like r/Comics and r/SailorMoon. More suggestions are always welcome, mostly because I’m a lazy bastard who doesn’t feel like trawling Reddit for cringe.

Angry_Jerk

Adam “The Angry Jerk” Baker is the CEO of The AJnet Organization and Editor-in-Chief of AJnet Magazine. A grizzled internet veteran of over 20 years, he writes about politics, culture, and whatever else manages to annoy him that day.

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