History's Biggest Psychobitches

A look at some of the biggest psychobitches in history.

I know it’s been a hot minute but welcome back to History With Heston.

I haven’t been around here much because I’m going through a divorce. My dear loving wife of 9 years felt that her coworker was a better choice than me. And her friend’s brother. And a guy at the bar. And the guy she met on Tinder. And probably a few other guys I didn’t find out about.

After I caught her, the cheating bitch took the kids and ran off to her mom’s. Now she thinks she’s entitled to full custody and half of everything. I was faithful for all 9 years, but fuck me, right?

We’ll let the lawyers sort that mess out, but in the meantime today’s lesson will be about history’s biggest psychobitches.

Women being crazy is nothing new, they’ve been at it for thousands of years. Maybe that’s why they’re so good at it. Society treats women like maternal caretakers, full of the empathy and compassion that men supposedly lack. The so-called fairer sex and all that jazz.

Well I beg to differ, and so does history.

Let’s take a look at a few ladies who make my soon-to-be ex-wife look like Mother Teresa.

Irma Grese

Irma Grese, a female concentration camp guard for the Nazis during World War 2, was such a crazy psychobitch that her nicknames were the “Bitch of Belsen” and the “Hyena of Auschwitz”. Straight and to the fucking point, it doesn’t get any more direct than that. Irma was so crazy that even the history books are calling her a bitch. Hot damn.

Some ladies like it rough. Irma liked beating the everliving shit out of her prisoners with whips and truncheons. When that got boring, Irma would get herself off watching camp doctors operate on young women’s tits without anesthesia. This crazy bitch routinely used both male and female prisoners as sex slaves, and had them sent to the gas chambers when she got bored with them.

Grese didn’t just have sexual relations with her prisoners. She also took great pleasure in torturing them in different ways, like forcing them to perform strenuous exercises, “making sport” as she liked to call it. Even the male guards complained that she was excessive and crazy.

After the war, 22 year old Irma was put on trial by the Allies and executed via hanging, making her the youngest woman executed under British law in the 20th century. Holy fuck, imagine a bitch so crazy that the court decides the world is better off without her.

Mary Todd Lincoln

Honest Abe is generally considered one of the greatest presidents in American history. They say that behind every great man is a great woman. Abe Lincoln’s wife, Mary Todd, was absolutely fucking nuts.

It wasn’t for nothing. Death seemed to follow her everywhere she went. First her four year old son Eddie dies from tuberculosis. Then her other son Willie gets typhoid and dies at 12. After that, a third son, Tad, dies at 18 from an illness that’s been reported four different ways. Oh, and don’t forget that time her husband Abe had his brains blown the fuck out while she was sitting next to him watching a play at the theater.

Mary Todd was known for doing crazy shit like holding seances to contact her dead kids and husband. Like most married women, she was also constantly suffering from headaches and bouts of depression. Some people think she might have been bipolar. Me? I think she was just batshit crazy.

And just like most married women, she had no problem spending the fuck out of her husband’s money. What’s the difference between your dick and your paycheck? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck. Honest Abe didn’t have to beg Mary Todd to blow his money on expensive jewelry. She even blew tax payer money excessively redecorating the White House.

After her husband died, she spent the rest of her life complaining that she didn’t have enough money and demanding Congress to give her more and more. It’s never enough for some of these women, is it?

Mary Tudor of England

When history remembers you as “Bloody Mary”, you might be a psychobitch. There’s something about Mary, right Adam?

Mary Tudor was the queen of England in the mid-1500s. Some women will settle for just killing their husband’s hopes and dreams, but not Mary. During her reign she had at least 300 people burned at the stake for heresy. Heresy under the reign of Bloody Mary was as simple as being a Protestant. Men, women, children, it didn’t matter. If they were Protestant, they fucking burned.

On the bright side, her reign only lasted 5 years, and was followed by Elizabeth I, who was less crazy.

Elizabeth Báthory

My soon-to-be ex-wife was an emotional vampire, but Hungarian Countess Elizabeth Báthory was a literal vampire.

History remembers Báthory with nicknames like “Blood Countess” and “Lady Dracula”. From 1590 to 1610 her and her psychobitch servants tortured and killed a shitload of women and girls in a torture chamber that her husband had built specifically for her to satisfy her sick needs.

One of her favorite ways of torturing women was to smear them in honey and let bees and ants attack them. This bitch was certified fucking crazy. Not sick enough? Okay, how about that time when she had a peasant woman cook and eat her own flesh?

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline. No, it’s fucking blood. Báthory’s skincare regimen consisted of a nice relaxing soak in the blood of virgins. She didn’t get those nicknames for nothing.

My wife was crazy, but thank fucking Jesus she wasn’t as crazy as Elizabeth Báthory.

J. R. Heston

Joseph “J.R.” Heston is a Rutgers University graduate and a Philadelphia public high school teacher with over 15 years of experience. A lifelong student of history, his writing compares people who actually did things with people who can’t sit still for five minutes. He also writes for AJnet Magazine because teachers are severely underpaid.

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