Wawa matcha lattes definitely contain crack

I found the secret ingredient to Wawa’s matcha lattes. It’s definitely crack.

Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me, but…

I actually like matcha lattes.

I know they’ve got a reputation for being basic white bitch drinks on par with pumpkin spice and White Claw. I also know that I don’t fucking care.

It all started when my CFO Stephanie came in with an iced matcha latte from Wawa, a local convenience store chain that’s headquartered on Olympus and personally overseen by the gods themselves.

Never missing a chance to make fun of Stephanie, I made fun of her basic white bitch drink. Never missing a chance to be a bitch, Stephanie told me they were really good and wouldn’t leave until I took a sip of her latte.

Goddamnit, the bitch was right. Wawa’s matcha lattes were good.

I wasn’t about to let her have this victory, but my facial expression betrayed me, and she got me dead to rights just like she’s done over and over again for the last 30 years.

“Yeah, it’s good, isn’t it?”

Next thing I know, there’s an intern bringing me an Uber Eats delivery with an iced matcha latte from Wawa. I look out my office window and see Steph standing there, mouthing either “You’re welcome” or “You’re a cunt” (with her either is possible). Situations like these are why God gave humans middle fingers.

Drinking 24 oz of this shit felt like taking a hit from my boy Nafese’s crack pipe. This shit sent my ass to the moon and back. I’m not even joking, there was an alien armada approaching Earth, and I accidentally destroyed their entire fleet by the sheer energy generated by my velocity. On the bright side, the Earth is saved. But on the down side, the Earth is saved. Fuck this gay ass planet, I hate all of you and I want to die.

I was just joking in that last paragraph. I didn’t actually save the Earth from aliens.

Apparently the mix Wawa uses to make these is readily available on Amazon, but it just didn’t taste the same when I made one myself. That’s because I forgot to include 3 grams of crack rock when I made my version. I’ll have to hit up my boy Nafese and buy some crack the next time I mix myself a latte.

You’re probably wondering what the point of this article is. That makes two of us. I’m so fucking wired right now that I’m just writing whatever stupid bullshit that comes to my head.

If you like lattes and you live near a Wawa, go buy an iced matcha latte. If you don’t like lattes, go buy one anyway. If you don’t live near a Wawa, then you really don’t have much of a reason to live at this point. Here’s a loaded handgun, you know what to do.

Wait, kill yourself? No, idiot. Use that gun to steal a car, then drive to the nearest Wawa and buy an iced matcha latte. Only then do you have my permission to die.

Nah but for real these things are good. I think there’s a Wawa near my boy Nafese’s house, I’ll probably stop and grab another one on my way to buy more crack later.

Angry_Jerk

Adam “The Angry Jerk” Baker is the CEO of The AJnet Organization and Editor-in-Chief of AJnet Magazine. A grizzled internet veteran of over 20 years, he writes about politics, culture, and whatever else manages to annoy him that day.

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