Our battlestation reviews have returned!
It’s been a while since we’ve done one of these. The last battlestation review was posted way back in March.
And that’s not for lack of trying. AJnet Magazine has such a large assortment of recurring features now that making sure everything gets equal rotation is cumbersome. I could explain our entire content rotation system to you, but that has absolutely nothing to do with reviewing battlestations.
In fact, not only have we changed the name of this series to Battlestation Breakdown, but I’ve also made the editorial decision to stop doing long intros to these articles. You didn’t come here to read an anecdote about my life. You came here to see me talk shit about some setups. Plus, I’ve always hated doing them.
Anyway, in this edition of Battlestation Breakdown, we’ve got:
- Laserdiscs
- Lego Aretha Franklin
- Lego Star Wars
- Josef Fritzl’s gaming setup
- The office of a seasoned businessman
- A fire hazard
- Litter boxes
We’ve got a lot to cover, so let’s dive right in.
1. Laserdisc? In this day and age?
This one is throwing me through a loop.
I can’t figure out if those are laserdiscs on the wall.
When I chose this picture, I assumed that they were. And I thought, “Oh, that’s cool. This guy framed laserdiscs on his wall. You don’t see that every day.”
Then I looked at the titles and saw Interstellar. Interstellar was released in 2014. The last film to be released on laserdisc in North America was Bring Out the Dead, in October of 2000. Pioneer made the last laserdisc player in 2009. The infrastructure to manufacture new laserdiscs no longer exists. There’s no way these could actually be laserdiscs.
So what are these then? They’re obviously some kind of optical media, since they’re reflective. They seem too large to be DVDs or Blu-rays. Maybe my sense of perspective is messed up here. If someone has an explanation for what I’m looking at, please let me know in the comments. I’m absolutely stumped.
Moving on to the rest of the setup, that is a pretty decent sized collection of games. I like the way they’re organized. Those wall-mounted hutches are pretty damn aesthetic. I should really consider getting some myself one of these days.
I also like those lights hanging from the ceiling. I’m going to assume that they’re not the primary light source for this room, but they still look pretty cool.
The desk itself isn’t anything special. I think it’s just an IKEA desk, but I’m not sure which model. I’m interested to know how it’s holding up the PC though. Maybe it’s a mini-ITX build? I don’t know. But when I think of IKEA desks, I definitely don’t think “sturdy”.
After all is said and done, this battlestation isn’t anything special, and I really only included it because I thought those were laserdiscs.
Score: 5/10
2. Queen of Lego Soul
This desk is a damn mess. The rest of the setup is also largely unremarkable.
What really caught my eye, though, are the Lego models on the shelf above.
Most Redditors have Lego models of generic things like Star Wars. This person, however, has a Lego model of the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin.
I can’t find anything about a set like this existing. Maybe it’s one of those knockoff sets from AliExpress or Temu. Hell, maybe you built it yourself. In any case, it’s pretty cool and unique.
Straighten up your desk and get yourself a mousepad, and your setup will be alright. But right now, your only saving grace is that Aretha Franklin Lego model.
Score: 5/10
3. Modern Star Wars fans are just Disney adults. Change my mind.
Speaking of generic Lego models…
This person probably thinks their massive Lego Star Wars collection looks really cool. It doesn’t. You look like a massive dork, dude.
This setup is a complete waste of money. Those sets probably cost $60 a piece, give or take $10. You spent over $1,000 to look like a total loser with generic taste. Is that a black Millennium Falcon? What the hell? Why?
I should be clear here. The problem isn’t that you have a bunch of Lego models. It’s that you have a bunch of Star Wars Lego models. If these were Lego cars or something like that, I’d probably like this setup a lot more.
Congratulations on being another cookie cutter Redditor with generic taste in media, congratulations on supporting a franchise that’s being butchered, and congratulations on wasting $1,000+ on this crap.
Nice chair though. I wish I had a La-Z-Boy on wheels for a computer chair.
The rest of this setup is actually pretty clean. My advice here: ditch the Star Wars Legos and get some better interests.
Score: 3/10
4. Josef Fritzl has joined the server
When he wasn’t sexually abusing his daughter, Josef Fritzl was running a Minecraft server.
At least, that’s my headcanon for this basement battlestation that I found on 4chan.
I always admire dingy little setups like this. Probably because it takes me back to simpler times when I had to improvise with little space and money, and building up my setup actually felt rewarding. Now I just throw money at my home office, and more LEDs and cheap anime figures from AliExpress magically appear.
If I were in this guy’s shoes right now, the first thing I’d probably do is throw some posters up on those walls. Something awesome like Megadeth’s Rust in Peace album cover, or pretty much any Iron Maiden album cover. Then I’d get a cheap lamp and put it to the right so the place wasn’t so dark. After that, I’d probably get a cheap rug for the floor under my desk and chair so I’m not rolling around on cold hard concrete. Even just a few small quality of life improvements would go a long way from turning this basement setup from a rape dungeon into a subterranean lair.
Score: 4/10
5. Totally sweet executive suite
Something feels slightly off about this battlestation, but I just can’t place my finger on it.
Perhaps it’s because I’m not wealthy enough to appreciate the artisanal complexities of the decor. Like that elegant tapestry bearing what appears to be a coat of arms, or the ornate office chair with the cheetah print lumbar pillow.
That desk, no doubt made of the finest oak sourced only from the most exclusive regions of the Appalachian mountains, is so large that it requires not just one, but two lamps to properly light it. Many serious large-scale business transactions have definitely been negotiated at this very desk.
This is a man of wealth, taste, and culture, and it shows in his setup. This is where a seasoned businessman makes very big moves on a level that us peasants could never begin to understand.
Score: 8/10
6. The rat’s nest
And this is a man of filth, disease, and degeneracy. This is where a seasoned creep makes moves downloading anime porn on a level that us normal and well-adjusted human beings could never begin to understand.
This is a textbook example of “images you can smell”. I have zero doubt that this room smells like stale farts and body odor, with just a hint of foot funk.
Seriously dude, this room is a goddamn shithole. Between all the crap on the floor and the cables sticking out everywhere, how the fuck do you even get to your chair, much less use your desk? I’m assuming that everything here has some kind of purpose, but I’ll be damned if I can even begin to figure out what that purpose is. There’s a bass guitar there, so maybe he records music?
I don’t even know what’s going on here. But I know that it looks like a fire hazard. This setup would probably look alright if he cleaned it up a little bit.
Until then, the only thing being battled at this station is cable management, and eventually a fire if this guy doesn’t clean this mess up.
Score: 2/10
7. Toxoplasmosis station
Speaking of “images you can smell”…
Putting your setup directly next to litter boxes is absolutely fucking disgusting. And I’m not just saying that to be a dick. There’s a serious risk of illness here. Cats piss and shit in those things, bro. Those particles are all over everything and anything nearby. You’re at serious risk for toxoplasmosis.
I know you probably think you’re being funny by posting this, but the truth is you’re putting yourself in danger. Sure, you’re laughing now. But when you’re feeling like shit because of cat shit, you won’t be laughing.
I don’t know what your story is, or why you’re living in that basement, but please, for the love of Allah, heed the advice of my good friend Michael Jordan: Stop it. Get some help.
At the very least, throw a couple of posters up on that empty wall to spruce things up a bit.
Score: 0/10
That’s all we’ve got for you today.
Readers are welcome to submit their own battlestations for inclusion in future Battlestation Breakdowns. Send it to us by email at [email protected], or leave it in the comments below, and we may feature it in an upcoming article.
More from Angry_Jerk
Don't miss any new posts. Join AJnet Magazine's mailing list and receive updates straight to your inbox once a week!