In this month’s Battlestation Review: Gnomes, Super Mario World, bombs, and more!
Browsing r/battlestations provides valuable insight into the demographics of Reddit.
I’ve said this before, but it seems like everyone on Reddit has some kind of STEM-related job where they’re raking in six figures a year. Their “partners” (Redditors never seem to use words like “husband/wife” or “boyfriend/girlfriend”) also make six figures, and they have nice houses and cars, and live in the Bay Area or Toronto. Seriously, take a look, it’s wild. Nearly 75% of Reddit lives in the Bay Area of San Francisco or they live in Toronto. I’m not sure why these locations make up so much of Reddit.
Anyway, browsing r/battlestations is like peeking into the window of the average Redditor. I see so many elaborate setups that obviously cost tons of money, and most of them have the same generic traits, like IKEA furniture, high-end LEDs, Funko Pops, and Star Wars crap. Most of them feel like clones of each other, there’s not a ton of originality. It honestly seems like most Redditors look at someone else’s set-up and just try to copy that.
That last paragraph was just an elaborate way of saying that Redditors are rich unoriginal idiots who lack personality. These are also the people voting liberal and crying about oppressed minorities while telling me I should accept the influx of crackheads wandering around my neighborhood. These people are insulated from the policies that they promote. They’re a bunch of sheltered lily white dildos. Keep that in mind the next time you read any political opinion from someone on Reddit.
We don’t have any of those pointlessly fancy “more money than sense” battlestations this time (don’t worry, I’ll include some next time). What we do have are gnomes, Armored Core, squiggly lights, and what could possibly be a bomb.
Let’s get to it.
1. You’ve been gnome’d
I’m kind of surprised we don’t see more setups with gnomes, especially on Reddit. Gnomes are almost exclusively a 4chan thing for some reason.
It’s not that I hate gnomes, but I just can’t bring myself to like them. They’re fucking weird, and they creep me the hell out.
I’m not going to knock off points here for them though, especially not when they’re the only part of this setup with any semblance of a personality. Everything about this setup is boring and empty, from the desk to the desktop wallpaper. Talk about wasted space. It’s cool that your desk isn’t a cluttered mess, but there’s no point having all that space if it’s not utilized.
The blue and white controller and the blue key caps match the blue on the gnomes though, and make me think that you might have at least some very mild untapped sense of aesthetic. Embrace it, add some more blue in there. Throw some foam tiles behind the speakers.
And while you’re at it, fix the color on your monitor. It’s obvious that the wallpaper is meant to be one big picture, but the color is off on one of them. I think it’s your gamma settings.
3/10. This setup is bland as fuck, but it could easily be made better.
2. Armored Score
This battlestation looks pretty dope.
I had to look up what the game was. It’s Armored Core. Armored Core is one of those games that I’ve never played, but it looks genuinely fun. This battlestation looks so cool that it actually makes me want to stop sleeping on the game and go check it out.
This is the modern equivalent of the infamous Hot Wheels computer from back in the day:
We’re supposed to look at this and think the owner is a huge dork, but I for one think this shit looks baller af. I wish I had the Hot Wheels computer as a kid instead of an old ass Tandy 2000. You know what you could do on a Tandy 2000? Play exciting text-based games like Colossal Cave Adventure, talk to chat bots named Eliza, and listen to a chiptune version of all four stanzas of the national anthem, complete with lyrics. I bet all the kids with the Hot Wheels computer were slaying demons in Doom, and slaying pussy too. I was reading about hollow voices in caves saying “Plugh” and wishing I could plug myself in the head.
Anyway, this Armored Core battlestation looks cool. I’ve never even played the game and I want this. Especially the case. I’d buy the case, then people would see it when they came over and be like “Oh, you play Armored Core, AJ?” I’d be like “Nah I don’t play that shit but this case is bussin no cap fr fr”. Then they’d probably assume I was on drugs and send me off to rehab, because I don’t normally talk like that.
6/10, I like this battlestation. It makes me want to play Armored Core. The only way I think this setup could look better is if the walls behind it were darker to contrast better with the yellow, but at this point I’m just nitpicking. Good shit, EquipmentMoney6975.
3. My heart beats pink and blue
Pink and blue will always win me over every single time, and I don’t know why.
I think it’s some residual from growing up in the 90s. For some reason everything from the 80s and 90s had pink, purple, or blue in it, and we just ate that shit up. We loved those colors so much that we would rock Charlotte Hornets gear. None of us actually followed or liked the Charlotte Hornets (and I don’t think anybody does even to this day), but we loved wearing those blue and purple jackets.
This setup is clean and orderly without wasting space. Are you taking notes here, gnome guy?
I’ve never really cared much for the LED ropes, but this doesn’t look half bad, especially from the angle the picture was taken at. It almost looks like a sound wave is coming out of the speaker. While I’d have probably made it go up the wall to an LED guitar or music note, this person has it running onto the ceiling and into the corner, which looks way better than my lame idea.
Overall this has a comfy and chill vibe. The only thing I might change is utilizing more of the wall space on the left. Other than that, this looks pretty damn good. 7/10.
4. Is the Mario sign real?
This one (like most setups on 4chan) gets reposted in every single battlestation thread, and there’s something that drives me crazy about it.
It’s that goddamn Mario sign.
At first I thought it was some kind of light-up Super Mario World sign, and was about to drop however much money it took to acquire one for myself.
But then I looked closer, and I can’t actually tell if it’s real, or if this person Photoshopped it in.
There’s something off about the lighting. The sign is just too bright and vibrant compared to the background. I know what you’re thinking, “It’s a light-up sign, AJ. It’s supposed to be bright and vibrant.” It’s bright, but it doesn’t look like it’s because there’s a light inside it. By all appearances the sign doesn’t look like it’s actually giving off any kind of light. The only glow I see on the tiles behind it comes from the two light bars on either side of the desk. I’m interested to hear what you all think on this one. Am I just bugging, or is that Super Mario World sign Photoshopped into the picture?
Recovering from my temporary bout of insanity, this setup is pretty basic stuff. From what I can see it’s probably in a small bedroom (that’s a bedpost behind the monitor on the left). We’ve got some Mario merch on the desk, as well as Kirby. You don’t see a whole lot of people repping Nintendo in these pictures, which is kind of weird because Nintendo has some of the most loyal fans (aside from AJnet fans, of course, love y’all).
The tiles are cool, but white tiles on a light-colored wall make for poor contrast. I feel like I’m always bitching about poor contrast in people’s setups, but 90% of aesthetic is contrast. Light on light usually looks terrible, you need some darker shades in there to offset things. In this person’s case I’d recommend throwing up some black foam tiles. They’re inexpensive and would add the contrast this setup so desperately needs.
The lighting is alright though. Maybe make your computer LEDs match the red in the rest of the setup, but other than that it looks alright.
If that Mario sign is real, then you get a 6/10. But if it’s Photoshopped in, then you get a big fat fucking zero for trying to be a sneaky breeki.
5. Back to the beginning
Speaking of pictures that get reposted on 4chan, this setup also gets reposted in every single battlestation thread.
And speaking of reposts, this is also the second time we’ve included this setup in a Battlestation Review.
We previously reviewed this one in the New Beginnings article. In fact, it’s the very first one on the list, “Optic-old media”. In that article, I complemented the old media, like CDs and floppy disks. I also complimented the desk, but mentioned that it seemed large compared to the tiny monitor, and said it seemed like it would be uncomfortable to sit there, especially in the wooden dinner chair. Other highlights of the setup included old GPUs on the shelf and the use of speaker stands. There was a stuffed fox and a drawing of a dog, which made me concerned this person might be a furry, but it could have gone either way so I didn’t hold it against them.
This time around, the person has finally upgraded their monitor. It still seems kind of small for the table, but it’s not as bad, and they’ve raised it. Points awarded for the effort. I’m happy to see that we’ve still got the floppies and the CDs. Points awarded. You’ve also rearranged some things, and as a result everything looks a little neater and more orderly. Points awarded.
The dog picture and the fox are still there, but I don’t see any new animal stuff, so maybe you aren’t a furry. I’ll let them slide. Partial points awarded because they’re valid decor, but there’s still a slight chance you could be a furry. Furries can still yiff in hell.
I’m kind of sad that you put away most of the graphics cards that you had on display, but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t look cleaner without them. You did leave one up there though. Points awarded.
I’m going to have to dock a few points for your speaker situation though. You went from bookshelf speakers on stands to those stupid little round speakers, which you placed under the monitor. What happened, man (or woman, we don’t discriminate here at AJnet)? Why did you downgrade to some wack ass Five Below clearance bin speakers? Bring back the bookshelves.
Overall, this setup has definitely improved since the last time. Previously I gave it a 4, but with a little polishing you’ve brought it up to a 6/10. Good job.
6. It’s not a bomb, but it’s the bomb (yo)
First I thought that this was a bomb, and that this guy was some kind of crazy anarchist type who was planning to bomb a synagogue or something. Let’s be real, their username is “Fear and Confusion”, they could easily be a crazy synagogue bomber.
I was prepared to move on and continue scrolling Reddit for more pictures to use, but then I took a closer look and thought it was a PC built into a briefcase. I got super-excited, because building a briefcase PC is something I’ve always wanted to do.
Then, I looked even closer. It’s a fucking Xbox.
This person has basically made a portable Xbox setup. This is like the Diet Coke version of my briefcase PC idea. It’s cool, I fucks with it, but it’s not as good as an actual briefcase PC. I’m disappointed, but not enough to take points away.
This still looks awesome, and looking at it inspires me to think a little harder about getting off my ass and getting to work on my briefcase PC. I’m not a console gamer anymore, but if I was this is definitely something I’d want to do. Sure, you can bring your console to someone’s house and ask to hook up to their TV. But that’s fucking autistic bro. Plus, it’s rude as fuck. If I’m trying to watch Resident Alien and some dweeb gets all up in my shit asking if he can connect his Xbox I’m telling him to get the fuck out of my house and take his gay overpriced trash console with him. Real patricians put everything into a briefcase and play vidya wherever they want whenever they want without bothering everyone else around them.
I’m giving this an 8/10. Thank you for having class, and thank you for being respectful of others.
Alright, that does it for this one. The next Battlestation Review will be in a couple of months. The good news is, I’ve rebuilt my image pool, so we’ll definitely have some really good ones next time.
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