In the shattered remnants of a once-peaceful carrot field, now twisted into a nightmarish fusion of Looney Tunes whimsy and Final Fantasy apocalypse, a sleek black drone hovered silently high overhead, its red recording light blinking as it captured every frame of the madness below.
Two unlikely warriors squared off beneath it: Bugs Bunny, the wisecracking rabbit with a Brooklyn accent and an endless supply of tricks up his sleeve, munched on a carrot like it was his last supper. Across from him loomed Sephiroth, the silver-haired angel of doom from the world of Midgar, his Masamune sword gleaming under a blood-red sky. How they got here? Nobody knew. But the air crackled with tension, and the fight was about to explode.
Suddenly, with a flash of interdimensional static, two figures materialized ringside: Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross, the legendary WWE commentators, decked out in their signature suits and headsets. They blinked in confusion, looking around at the surreal battlefield and the mysterious drone buzzing above.
“Good God Almighty!” Jim Ross bellowed, his Oklahoma drawl cutting through the madness.
“Jerry, what in the blue hell is goin’ on? One minute we’re callin’ a match at Monday Night Raw, and now we’re… here? Again? And what’s with that drone up there? Somebody’s livestreamin’ this insanity?”
Jerry Lawler adjusted his crown, because why not, and scratched his head. “I don’t know, JR! This is the second time this has happened! Last month it was Yujiro Hanma versus Lord Voldemort, and now Bugs Bunny takin’ on this long-haired pretty boy with a sword longer than my ex-wife’s alimony demands. Who keeps doin’ this to us? Is it aliens? Vince McMahon playin’ a prank?”
“Whatever it is, it’s slobberknocker time!” JR replied, trying to sound professional despite the absurdity. “Folks, if you’re watchin’ this, wherever you are, we’ve got Bugs Bunny, the king of cartoons, goin’ toe-to-toe with Sephiroth, the One-Winged Angel from Final Fantasy VII. This ain’t no ordinary bout. This is interdimensional warfare!”
The fight kicked off with Sephiroth lunging forward, his Masamune slicing through the air like a whisper of death.
“Foolish rabbit,” he intoned in that deep, brooding voice. “You dare challenge me? I shall end this farce.”
Bugs dodged effortlessly, pulling a hole out of his pocket and slipping through it just as the blade whooshed by. He popped up behind Sephiroth, tapping him on the shoulder.
“Eh, what’s up, Doc? You look like you could use a haircut, or maybe a personality transplant!”
“Oh my stars!” Lawler exclaimed, slapping the commentary table, which had mysteriously appeared with them. “Did you see that evasion, JR? Bugs just pulled a classic Looney Tunes portal! Sephiroth’s swingin’ for the fences, but he’s strikin’ out!”
“By God, that’s vintage Bugs Bunny right there!” JR added, his voice rising with excitement. “Sephiroth’s got power, he’s got that supernatural edge, but Bugs is playin’ mind games. This rabbit’s got more lives than a cat in a video game!”
Sephiroth spun around, summoning a barrage of meteors from the sky, fiery rocks hurtling down like Judgment Day. Bugs, unfazed, whipped out an anvil from hammerspace and used it as an umbrella, the meteors bouncing off harmlessly. One stray rock clipped Sephiroth’s wing, singeing a feather.
“Ha! Take that, ya feathered freak!” Bugs quipped, chomping his carrot. “You call that a summon? I once outran a tornado dressed as a dame!”
Lawler was laughing so hard he nearly fell out of his chair. “JR, this is gold! Sephiroth’s callin’ down the apocalypse, and Bugs treats it like a rainy day. But look out, Sephiroth’s not smilin’!”
“Indeed, King,” JR said gravely. “Sephiroth’s eyes are burnin’ with that Jenova rage. He’s closin’ in now, folks. Masamune raised high! This could be the end for our wascally wabbit!”
Sephiroth charged, his sword a blur, but Bugs sidestepped and painted a tunnel on a nearby cliff face. The villain plunged straight into it, only to emerge flattened like a pancake from the other side, courtesy of an oncoming train whistle that echoed cartoonishly.
“Oooh, that’s gotta hurt!” Lawler winced. “Sephiroth just got Looney Tunes’d! Flatter than a bad ratings night!”
“Business is pickin’ up!” JR shouted. “But wait, Sephiroth’s reformin’! He’s usin’ that supernatural hocus-pocus to shake it off. This ain’t over yet!”
Regenerating with a sinister glow, Sephiroth floated into the air, unleashing his ultimate attack: Supernova. The sky ripped open, planets aligning in a cosmic explosion that threatened to engulf everything.
Bugs, ever the improviser, pulled out a remote control and hit “pause.” The entire cataclysm froze mid-blast. He strolled over, drew a mustache on Sephiroth’s frozen face with a marker, then hit “play.” The supernova backfired spectacularly, blasting Sephiroth into orbit while leaving Bugs unscathed.
“Eh, that’s all, folks!” Bugs declared, dusting off his paws.
Lawler was in hysterics. “Did you see that, JR? Bugs just remote-controlled reality! Sephiroth’s outta here, literally! What a finish!”
“Unbelievable!” JR agreed, shaking his head. “Bugs Bunny wins by cartoon logic! But Jerry, seriously, how do we get home? This transportin’ nonsense is gettin’ old.”
“I dunno, JR. Maybe next time it’ll be Elmer Fudd versus Cloud Strife. But hey, if we’re stuck doin’ commentary on these, count me in. Beats callin’ another Divas match!”
As the battlefield faded back to normal and the drone silently ascended into a rift, the commentators vanished in another flash, leaving Bugs to munch his victory carrot.
In some multiverse bar, perhaps, the mysterious transporter chuckled, ready for round three.
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I wanted to talk to you about the story you wrote. I know you probably had fun with it, but honestly, I found it a bit off-putting. The characters and the way they were portrayed felt a bit too harsh and, honestly, a bit childish to me. I really think that stories can have a deeper meaning, and I just didn’t feel that from this one.
I care about you, and I want to share something that’s been on my heart. I really believe that going to church and praying to Jesus can help bring more peace and clarity into our lives. Maybe it could offer some guidance on how to approach writing in a more uplifting and meaningful way. Just something I thought might help!
You had over ten years and this is what you came up with, FYF?
You’re more than welcome to reach out without the proxy, you know.