Good News Everyone, I'm Not Dead!

Howdy ho, Muggheads! Guess who’s back? Back again?

Frosty’s back! Back again!

That’s right readers, I’m back, and I’m more alive than ever! Which is impressive, because based on how long I’ve been gone I’m pretty sure at least a few of you assumed I died, got arrested, or died after getting arrested.

Which, to be fair, has almost happened before.

If you’re new here, you’re probably wondering who I am. If you’re not new here, you’re probably wondering where I’ve been. And if you’re my mother, you’re probably wondering when I’m gonna get a real job. First of all, I HAVE a job! I write articles for this… thing.

Hold on, let me grab a beer while I figure out what the hell this thing is!

…

Okay I’m back, and I’ve figured out what the hell this thing is!

So it looks like AJ turned this site into some kind of big fancy magazine. Which is weird, because I thought magazines were made of paper. I’m not sure what I’m reading this on, but I know it’s not paper! And I’m writing on it too, which I’m pretty sure isn’t how magazines work. Unless you’re drawing wieners on them.

I don’t know what this thing I’m using is, but it works, so I’m not gonna question it. It also lets me do a few other things, but we’re not gonna get into that right now! I’m pretty sure I clicked “agree” on something I didn’t read. Which, now that I think about it, is how a lot of my problems start.

Anyway, I’m Frosty Mugg! You might remember me from such important works as Frosty’s Sober Saga, Holiday in Cambodia?, and My Dear Beer, which I still maintain should have won some kind of award.

What award? I don’t know. The Beer Award. The Drunk Pulitzer. Something prestigious. Or at least a free beer.

You’re probably wondering where I’ve been for the last year. Great question!

Like all good stories, this one starts with a bar, a beer, and a bet.

Wait. No it doesn’t.

Or does it? Hold on.

…

Okay yeah, there wasn’t a bet. But there WAS a bar.

So I got kicked out of Yellowz, right? Which is complete bullshit, by the way, because Barty the Bartender knows damn well I’m his best customer. I mean who else is gonna keep that dump in business?

Actually, now that I think about it, he might be enjoying the peace and quiet. And the fact that nobody’s calling him Barty anymore.

Still, unbelievable.

So I’m outside, I’m thirsty, I’m upset, I’m thirsty again, and I stumble into this other bar. Right away something feels off. Not bad, just off. Maybe it was the weird spinny purple door.

I sit down, I tell the bartender to give me my usual, and without even asking what that is, he pours me two Yuenglings.

Now at this point I should’ve been suspicious. But I wasn’t, because beer. You don’t question beer, folks. That’s rule number one of life. If someone hands you a beer, you shut up and you drink it. You can ask questions later. I’m here to drink, not think! Before you question that beer, it’s a good idea to have a few beers and think it over first.

I look around and there are TVs everywhere, all showing fights. Not boxing or MMA, just fights. One of them had some big red-haired Asian guy beating the crap out of the bald guy from Harry Potter. I’ve seen weirder stuff at Yellowz! One time I saw a guy dressed like the Easter Bunny get stuffed in the face by a big fat guy in a Tinkerbell costume.

So I looked around at the crowd. I’m not one to judge, but what a freak show! I mean seriously, who the hell has blue skin? Besides the Smurfs? Wait, are the Smurfs allowed in bars? Hold on, I’m going to look that up.

…

Okay I’m back. As it turns out, that has nothing to do with anything.

Now where was I?

Oh yeah, the bar.

Before I know it, I’m helping out around the place. Not officially, I just kind of started keeping things running. In return, I get free beer. I’ll drink to that!

You’d be surprised how much work goes into running this place. You gotta make sure people show up where they’re supposed to, make sure nobody tries to leave early, make sure certain fights actually happen when they’re supposed to happen. Because if they don’t, people start asking questions. And time spent answering questions is time spent NOT drinking beer! It’s wasting time, and even worse, it’s wasting beer!

Just the other month, there was this one fight where a rabbit absolutely beat the holy hell out of some long-haired anime guy. I’m not even going to explain THAT one!

What can I say, except you’re welcome!

We’ve got commentary too. My good friends Jerry and Jim are always around when the shit goes down. Every time they show up they look around like they have no idea where they are. I think they’re just drunk, because it’s pretty obvious what’s going on if you’re paying attention. But whatever, they do their job, and that’s all that matters. Who am I to judge?

Hold on, I need another beer.

So yeah, I’ve been busy running a bar, which is why I haven’t been around. Also time works a little weird there. Or rather, it DOESN’T work, because the clock has been stuck at 5:40 for… I don’t know how long because I can’t tell the time because the freaking clock doesn’t work! Somebody needs to change the batteries out on this thing. Who’s in charge around this dump?

I figured I should probably check back in, which is what I’m doing right now. I still haven’t figured out what the hell this thing I’m writing this on is, but it gets internet somehow. The internet in this place is great! No buffering, no outages, and I didn’t even have to call those creeps at Comcast once. I clicked “agree” on something and now I can just send stuff through. Honestly I should’ve done this sooner.

Frosty Tech Tip: Get whatever the hell internet this place is using!

That reminds me, I should do more Frosty Tech Tips!

But boy (or girl, we don’t discriminate here at AJnet!!), they make these drinks strong!

They go down like beer-flavored water, but they go down swinging!

Sometimes it feels like I write something one way, and then it comes out a little different, like somebody named Adam or Sarah got their hands on it and “fixed” it. Which would be ridiculous, because that means I’m not even the one writing this. Which I obviously am.

Unless I’m not?

That’s probably nothing. AJ’s gonna cut that anyway. Mr. High-and-Mighty Editor Jerk in Chief!

What matters is I’m back. That’s the most important part of this whole thing. Same Frosty, same bad decisions, new beer.

So if you’ve been wondering where I’ve been, now you know. If you’ve been waiting for me to come back, good news. If you weren’t, well tough luck creampuff!

Anyway, I’ve gotta go. I think something’s about to start, and if I don’t make sure everything’s in place, it’s gonna turn into a whole thing.

And trust me, you don’t want that!

Frosty Mugg

Frosty is a reckless idiot, a drunk bastard, and a walking bad decision. When he’s not on a bar stool, he’s usually writing half-cocked articles or making things worse for everyone involved. Due to a major international incident, he is legally required to remain intoxicated at all times.

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