I hate Christmas shopping

Christmas shopping is a pain in the fucking ass.

As I write this, it’s currently December 10th. We have about two weeks until Christmas Day, and so far not a single person has told me what they want for Christmas.

Oh sure, I’ve sent out the text messages, I’ve straight up asked people what they want. Instead of gift ideas, I got a whole lot of “I dunno” and “Let me get back to you on that”. The same people do this same bullshit every year, and they almost always end up asking for something basic like an Amazon gift card. They always wait until like a week before Christmas to tell me, which means I have to go to CVS and hope they bothered to restock their gift cards, then take my comically long receipt and go on to the next store, because there’s always at least one bastard gift card that they don’t carry.

Christmas shopping for my girlfriend is an even bigger pain in the ass. The first week of December I usually know what I want, so I tell her, then I ask her what she wants. The only answer that’s more annoying than “I dunno” or “I’ll get back to you on that” is “All I want for Christmas is you!” I fucking hate this song so much, I want to slap Mariah Carey in her mouth for putting it out, and it’s all because of annoying ass women who think it’s cute to tell their boyfriends “All I want for Christmas is you” when asked what they want for Christmas. My girlfriend will sometimes follow this up with a goofy horndog smile. I have to ask her several times before she finally realizes that the joke isn’t funny and says “I dunno I’ll get back to you”. Bitch just tell me what the fuck I’m buying your ass for Christmas. I’m about ready to wrap my dick in a bow and smack her upside the head with it, or give her the classic “dick in a box”.

I guess all that’s better than the jerk offs who won’t tell you what they want but tell you “no gift cards”. These sticklers expect you to know them well enough to figure out what special unique gift to get them. A gift card is too impersonal for these grandiose fucks, they want to know that you put thought and effort into choosing the perfect present for a dear friend.

Hey asshole, we’re both adults here. Either tell me what you want or you’re getting an Amazon gift card. No gift cards? Okay, then you get fucking nothing. I’ve got about 50 other people to shop for, I don’t have time to play this guessing game bullshit. We hang out like once a month anyway, you’re not my bestie or something. Even my close friends don’t pull this shit. They tell me what they want and I get it for them. Sometimes if they’re close enough friends I’ll throw in a second gift for fun. For example, my friend Stephanie gets a bottle of Midol every year because she’s a bitch. But the guy I see once or twice a month has no right to be picky about his Christmas gift.

Then there’s the office white elephant. If you’re not familiar with a white elephant, it’s basically where a bunch of people get together and swap cheap gifts. Everyone brings a gift, numbers are drawn out of hats, and people can steal each other’s gifts. It sounds fun in theory, but when you’ve got 30+ people involved and they’ve been drinking for most of the night the whole thing becomes an hour-long exercise in patience. Especially when you’re the only sober guy there. Someone always walks away annoyed that someone else stole their gift, and I always walk away to go watch whatever college football game is on the bar TV until my number is called. I don’t even really care about college football but it’s better than listening to a bunch of drunk retards scream over each other and take ten minutes to decide what gift they want.

I miss the days of being a kid and getting all kinds of awesome presents. I had off school for a week, and I’d use that time to play my newest video game or play with my newest toys while eating a bunch of Christmas cookies. Now the most awesome present I’m looking forward to this year is a new rice cooker. I used to get cool fun shit like the Super Nintendo with Super Mario World and Link to the Past, now I’m over here asking for rice cooker and compression socks. If I want to eat a bunch of Christmas cookies I have to either bake them myself or hope someone else gives me some, and even then if I eat too much I feel like shit from the sugar. Being an adult is bullshit.

This holiday season can’t end soon enough. I just wish these people would tell me what the hell they want so I can wrap things up. Christmas shopping blows.

Angry_Jerk

Adam “The Angry Jerk” Baker is the CEO of The AJnet Organization and Editor-in-Chief of AJnet Magazine. A grizzled internet veteran of over 20 years, he writes about politics, culture, and whatever else manages to annoy him that day.

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