Introducing Francine, the new AJnet AI Assistant

Big changes are coming to AJnet Magazine!

We at AJnet understand that thinking for yourself can be a lot of work. It’s with this in mind that we’re proud to announce AJnet’s new AI assistant, Francine.

Why are we implementing an AI assistant? Everyone else is, so now we are too. Success is obtained by doing the same thing as everyone else. Amazon, Google, Microsoft, and many other companies have AI assistants, and they’re all successful. Francine will guarantee AJnet Magazine success as well.

We know what our audience wants. In fact, we know what you want better than you do. That’s why Francine has been designed by our H-1B employees to curate articles that we know you’ll enjoy.

How does this work? Using completely non-intrusive tracking cookies that monitor everything you do online, Francine will analyze your browser history and suggest articles based on other things you’ve looked at online. For example, readers who were previously arguing politics on social media will be recommended “Enough with the fucking politics“. Readers who just got done shopping Amazon for hot sauce might be recommended “I tried Fireball Whisky Hot Sauce“. Readers that were looking up stuff about Sonic the Hedgehog are likely to find “AJ vs The Hatersaurus” in their recommendations. The more you browse, the better Francine’s algorithm will get at recommending content you’re guaranteed to love. We call this algorithm “Geared At You”, or GAY for short.

Not only can Francine curate content, but she can create it too. Moving forward, Francine will be replacing R.A.N.T.E.R. in all AI content creation for AJnet Magazine. In fact, Francine will be slowly replacing all of our staff writers. This reduction of human overhead will allow us to continue creating the high caliber of content you’ve come to expect from us, while also allowing our board of directors to receive bigger bonuses. We believe that you’ll find Francine’s writing to be completely indistinguishable from our human staff writers.

The first staff writer Francine will be replacing is our longtime advice columnist Señor Juan. Juan has been a fixture of this website all the way back to 2008 when it was still called AngryJerk.net. Juan’s contributions to this website have been invaluable, and he is an irreplaceable part of the team. While we’ve decided to move forward without him, we wish Juan all the best in his future endeavors.

All future advice columns will be handled by Francine. Instead of sending Juan an email and waiting a month for a custom-written answer tailored specifically to the person in need of advice, readers can simply ask Francine and instantly receive generic advice that’s only marginally relevant to the question they asked. Advice may also include recommended products and services from our sponsors.

Francine will also handle comments and reader feedback. Readers will still be able to leave comments on articles, but this will be done via Francine rather than Disqus. Readers will submit their comments to Francine. After filtering out any toxic negative comments, Francine will compile them and summarize what readers think of the articles in a short summary that may or may not contradict itself. Likewise, readers may submit their feedback regarding the site to Francine, and it will be forwarded straight to our trash folder.

In order to allow our readers to adjust to this change, Francine will be gradually rolled out across AJnet Magazine over the next week. Readers will be allowed to opt out of the changes until we realize that the majority of them have opted out and decide to make the changes mandatory across the board.

We understand some of our readers will be upset about this. I assure you, we don’t care, and you can go fuck yourselves. AI is the future, and the future is now, crybaby. We’re not stupid, we know that you don’t actually have a backbone. Sure, you’ll grumble about it for a little bit, maybe even start a petition on Change.org. But at the end of the day you’ll still accept the changes and continue being a regular reader. We’ve got you by the balls and you know it.

As AJnet Magazine continues being at the forefront of innovation and the rear end of entertainment, we hope that you the reader will grow to love Francine as we do, and embrace her as the future of this website.

And if you don’t? Well, tough titties.

Angry_Jerk

Adam “The Angry Jerk” Baker is the CEO of The AJnet Organization and Editor-in-Chief of AJnet Magazine. A grizzled internet veteran of over 20 years, he writes about politics, culture, and whatever else manages to annoy him that day.

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