REDDIT REVUE: r/Witchcraft (2025)

This month’s haunted Halloween Reddit Revue of evil spooky doom: A return to r/Witchcraft!

Happy Halloween, guys and ghouls!

I miss trick-or-treating.

Halloween was always one of my favorite holidays when I was younger. Sure, getting presents on Christmas was great, but getting an entire bookbag’s worth of free candy was almost as good. If you went to the right blocks, people handed out full-sized candy bars or money. Free candy is free candy no matter what size it is (wtf is so fun about “fun-sized” anyway?), but as my mom would say, bigger is always better.

Now I’m a miserable old angry jerk, and my Halloweens consist of turning out the lights and stuffing plastic bags into my doorbell so the annoying brats don’t bother me. My girlfriend wanted to break tradition and give out candy this year, but with inflation the price of Halloween candy is anal rape. I’m serious, I went to Walmart to pick up candy to hand out and the price tag just said “Bend Over”. A large black guy was standing there eyeing me up with his dick in his hand and everything, shit was nuts.

Anyway, for this month’s Reddit Revue we’re revisiting r/Witchcraft. We did this the last two Octobers, we’re doing it this October, and we’ll probably do it next October if I’m still updating the site by then. It’s a yearly tradition now or some shit I guess idk.

I’ve got nothing else, let’s dive into r/Witchcraft and heckle these fuckers.

This looks like shit, literally.

I think it’s nice that the mental asylum let you put this outside your door.

Congrats, you’re at the same functional level as an eight year old with a spirograph.

No, because spells and magic aren’t real.

Using the image of Chairman Mao in such a way is an offense punishable by death in China. I’m reporting this to the Chinese government. Say hi to the firing squad for me, bitch.

Take up residence in it Lisa Simpson style.

I actually agree with this.

Why is this NSFW?

According to my mom, my dad brought this exact same argument to a priest at my baptism.

That’s a very elaborate way of saying that you cheated on your husband.

Too much work, just use a baseball bat.

Neither, since it’s obvious you have serious financial problems and shouldn’t be wasting what little money you have on this bullshit.

Please don’t give Tyler Perry anymore ideas.

The only thing that’s a bigger load of bullshit than magic is the typical hiring process in 2025.

Stepping on lemons in the road is “quite common” in India?

Or is “lemons” some new slang for “shit” now?

“El Al” sounds like a fat white guy introducing himself to a Mexican.

I’d use the Baby Shark spell, which involves leaving Baby Shark playing on loop as loud as possible while you’re out of the house.

You can also use “Hit’em Up” by 2pac or Hitler speeches.

Necromancy requires the person to be dead. Is OP admitting that they planned on committing murder?!

Imagine being an eons-old cosmic being and having to deal with these retards trying to talk to you all day.

Oh no no no, you defiled the cemetery, now you get to reap the consequences of being a disrespectful shit.

You’re telling me, I’ve had the worst luck with the number 13. Just the other day I went to get a tattoo of the number, but the guy doing the tattoo fucked up and drew a 31 instead.

You can find stories like this at your local methadone clinic.

Snort them.

NO FUCKING BALLS BITCH

When you meant to post your wands but accidentally posted your wangs instead.

I took care of my pest problem by quitting drinking. I haven’t seen or heard from Frosty in months now.

Autism magic.

It’s pegging, isn’t it?

Also, an absurd amount of people in the comments genuinely thought “bedroom fetish” was an actual fetish. You can’t make this shit up.

Well shit. Looks like my bald ass is fucked.

Lmao this bitch really dumped her boyfriend over this shit

How would you be cooked if you put out the flame?

Don’t worry, I’ve gotchu.

Your new witch name henceforth shall be Oinky McFrogface.

So this is what they meant by “black” magic.

I wonder if black witches also spit on their brooms when they accidentally touch their feet with the bristles.

Pet psychic?

Man there really is a sucker born every minute.

No more magic without adult supervision.

Facilitating weight loss and curing mental illness.

Gatorade and greasy food.

The fuck you expect us to do bitch

Go put up some posters or something.

Now THIS is some magic I can get beh-

Oh, it’s just an ad.

A Mossberg 500.

Is it wrong that I find it funny imagining a bunch of mentally ill people having goofy magic wars?

People who believe they have magic powers are too smart to fall for tricks like this.

Half the subreddit is just these bitches posting their cats.

Even the plate is tired of your stupid magic bullshit.

GAYYYYYYY

I blast Vinnie Paz when doing my spellwork.

You could try doing a mass-suicide.

Alright, that just about does it for this one.

As far as the next Reddit Revue goes, we have a couple of suggestions in the box, like r/Trump and r/myboyfriendisai. I’m leaning towards r/Trump, so that’s what we’ll probably go with.

Happy Halloween, you spooky cunts.