AJ vs horror movies

Most horror movies are stupid, and I’m smarter than most of the protagonists.

I don’t like most horror movies.

Sure, I like Evil Dead and Predator, but movies like Friday the 13th, Halloween, and Nightmare on Elm Street bore the shit out of me. Whenever I get saddled into watching one of these movies, I spend most of the movie cracking jokes and calling out plot holes.

When I was 16 I got dragged to see the American remake of The Grudge. In protest, I went full MST3K on the movie, to the point where the audience was actually enjoying my jokes more than the movie. One lone person tried to shush me, and before I could even react some black dude told that guy to shut the fuck up because I was funny. I swear to God, I’m not making this shit up.

I just can’t get into horror movies. I don’t scare easily. Most of it isn’t even really horror anyway, it’s jumpscare bullshit. Suddenly throwing something at the screen and accompanying it with a loud noise to take advantage of flinching isn’t scary, it’s just stupid. In the rare event that a horror movie actually tries to use psychological horror and get in your head, it still doesn’t work on me because I know monsters aren’t real, and any of the more realistic slashers are just regular humans killing stupid teenagers. Like Biggie once said:

Niggas bleed just like us, picture me being scared

Of a nigga that breathe the same air as me

Niggas bleed just like us, picture me being shook

We can both pull burners, make the motherfucking beef cook

Niggas bleed just like us, picture a nigga hiding

My life in that man’s hands while he just deciding

Niggas bleed just like us, I’d rather go toe-to-toe

With all of y’all, running ain’t in my protocol

Anyone with an ounce of common sense could figure out how to beat most horror movie villains. I’m not even that tough, but I think I could do a better job than pretty much all of the protagonists.

Here’s how I’d handle some of the baddest baddies in horror movie history.

AJ vs Jason Vorhees

An immortal nigh-invulnerable giant wearing a hockey mask and hacking people to death with a machete? And he can teleport too?

Fuck Crystal Lake, imma go camp at Jellystone Park instead, where the most dangerous thing I’d have to worry about would be Yogi Bear stealing my pic-a-nic basket.

AJ vs Freddy Krueger

I’m going lucid, then going Super Saiyan Blue, then using Ultra-Instinct to whoop Freddy’s ass Goku-style.

When Freddy’s finally had enough and tries to run, I’m turning him into Piper Perri. Then it goes from “AJ vs Freddy Krueger” to “Freddy Krueger vs Five well-hung black men”, and Freddy gets to see what a real nightmare is like when he’s getting DP’d by two magnum dongs while getting face-fucked by a third and using the fourth and fifth ones like ski poles.

Alternatively, I’m turning him into Aya Cash, and Freddy’s getting fingered. In the ass. With my dick. Yes homo.

Either way, he’s fucked.

AJ vs Pennywise

Who the fuck really scared of clowns lmao

Pennywise can be hurt by strong beliefs. I strongly believe that I can two-piece this clown like I’m Iron Mike Tyson. Look at you Pennywise, you scared now you ho. Scared like a little white pussy. Scared of the real man. I’ll fuck you til you love me, faggot.

AJ vs Michael Myers

I loved you in Austin Powers and Shrek bro but that doesn’t mean you can just go around stabbing people like an asshole.

I’m coming up from behind this jumpsuit-wearing jerk off and twisting his mask around so he can’t see. Then I’m shoving his knife straight up his shitter, kicking him down some stairs, then smashing his skull open with a 45 lb weight plate.

AJ vs Leatherface

I don’t know much about Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but I do know that Leatherface’s chainsaw is going straight up his wrinkly ass.

AJ vs Jigsaw

If I wake up chained to a pipe in a room and there’s a “dead” old guy laying on the floor, the first thing I’m doing is making sure that old fuck is actually dead. If he’s not, he’d better be a damn good actor, or at least have some basic resistance to interrogation techniques.

Then I’m using that saw to cut through those rusty ass pipes and getting the fuck out of that room before I get tetanus or something.

AJ vs Predator

I’ll admit, I’m outclassed on this one.

Luckily, I know someone who deals with predators on a regular basis. His name is Chris Hansen, and he’ll have Predator taking a seat so fast its head will spin. Predator will try to flee, but he’ll get tackled and arrested by the cops waiting outside (not the first time a Yautja has lost to the police). This one ends with Predator getting raped in jail for being a chomo.

Unless, of course, that predator happens to be Fleece “The Booty Warrior” Johnson. Then Chris is in serious trouble.

AJ vs Alien

I’ll cut a deal to let Predator out of jail on good behavior so he can take care of the xenomorphs while I go have a few beers with Ridley, while still respecting her as a woman because she’s a prime example of a well-written strong female protagonist.

AJ vs Evil Dead

Nah my boy Ash got this one. There’s no going over the top.

AJ vs The Ring

I’m going to make sure the entire world sees the video. Have fun trying to kill over eight billion people, stupid bitch.

Bonus points when world leaders and CEOs see the tape too. My boy Luigi will be green with envy.

AJ vs Ghostface

Lol it’s just a guy in a mask with a knife. He’s getting four to the chest and two to the head. gg ez

AJ vs Jaws

It’s a giant shark. The Japanese will handle this one with no problem. Jaws, meet the Kangei Maru, 9,300 tons of glorious whale-hunting Nipponese steel:

This thing fucks up whales on the reg, imagine what it would do to a shark. Get rekt, sharkboi.

AJ vs Chucky

I’m a grown-ass man. Chucky is just a My Buddy doll. I don’t care who he was before his soul got trapped in the doll, he’s still getting manhandled and tossed into a trash compactor.

AJ vs Slappy the Dummy

Same as Chucky, manhandled and tossed in the trash compactor.

In fact, this is standard procedure for any and all possessed toys. Into the trash it goes.

AJ vs Poltergeist

Before I buy the house, I’m asking if any deaths took place on the property. If the realtor says yes, then also discloses that the house is sitting on top of an Indian burial ground:

If the realtor says no, I’m getting that statement signed and notarized. When shit kicks off me and my family are leaving, then suing the realtor for failing to disclose the previous deaths in the house and the shit that Henry Kane was getting up to.

AJ vs Leprechaun

I’ve got no beef with this funny little bastard nor do I want his gold. We’d probably chill and crack corny jokes for five or six hours, until I got bored and went home to play Satisfactory or something.

In fact, that sounds like a good idea. I think I’ll go play Satisfactory right now. I probably forgot some monsters/bad guys, so feel free to leave a comment and I’ll tell you how I’d deal with them.

Angry_Jerk

Adam “The Angry Jerk” Baker is the CEO of The AJnet Organization and Editor-in-Chief of AJnet Magazine. A grizzled internet veteran of over 20 years, he writes about politics, culture, and whatever else manages to annoy him that day.

See author's posts