Greetings from... Antarctica?!

We received fan mail from… Antarctica?!

Way back in September, we published a letter from Alex in Russia, and invited readers from other “enemy” countries to email us. After receiving several emails from oh-so-clever jokesters pretending to be from China and North Korea, we received a legitimate email from AH in Iran. I sat on said email until the end of December before getting around to publishing it.

Well, as luck should have it, about a week after I published it, Iranians began revolting against their government. As I write this (second week of January), the protests are still going strong, despite mass casualties (the reported numbers are conflicting).

You could chalk this up to coincidence. You’d be wrong. AJnet operatives everywhere, motherfucker. This is “Operation: Ayatollah Assahola”, we’re coming for you, you old prick.

Some say it’s Mossad that’s behind it all. Who do you think owns Mossad? That’s right, AJnet does. Operatives EVERYWHERE. Everyone’s always talking about how the Jews own everything, but nobody’s stopped to ask who owns the Jews. AJnet, that’s who.

Anyway, this article is due to publish the beginning of February, so hopefully by then the Ayatollah will already be out of power, and possibly dragged through the streets.

But today’s Letter to the Editor doesn’t come from Iran. It doesn’t come from Russia, China, or North Korea. No, it comes from somewhere much cooler than those places.

This totally legitimate fan mail comes to us from Forsteri, who lives all the way down in the frozen tundra of Antarctica. We have verified its legitimacy through traffic logs (Forsteri uses Linux), and this email was definitely sent from Antarctica. Trust us. Would we lie to you? Would Forsteri lie to us?

We at AJnet believe in all of our readers, including Forsteri. ESPECIALLY Forsteri:

Hello friend,

My name is Forsteri and I am from Antarctica. I live at -66.140634 -61.96618. Please excuse my English, for we do not speak English down here, we instead squawk at each other and hope the other person understand what we trying to say.

I like your magazine very much. Is funny because it deeply relates to the people of my colony. Some people think we just stand around and eat fish everyday, but is not true. We actually have rich culture. For one, we also like to waddle around, and occasionally we even flap our wings. Is very beautiful stuff, and I am ashamed that American culture depicts my people very stereotypically. Worst part is many people think we live in Madagascar which is simply not true.

The opinions of America among my people are mostly bad. Many are stupid and don’t know what America is, but the ones that do worry about American petroleum companies coming to our land to look for petroleum, or the melting of the land and the rising level of the sea. Personally I do not like America, the people are big stupid apes and I wish of seeing it get sunk under sea. Not you though, you is cool!

I wish people would begin to understand that we and them are not so different. We even have our own Epstein Files investigation. There was this glacier called Epstein Glacier were powerful members would take the young and do horrible things to. Sick fuckas even did things to eggs. They would rape eggs or eat them, sometimes both. Was like that for decades before the secret came out. But unlike your country we deal with this problem fast. Your country tries to protect the rich people from consequence (as if they will face them anyway). In my country, we dragged those monsters from glacier and pecked them for hours and shoved ice up their ass, before we feed them to angry seals alive. Was very fun, no understand why your people do not do same.

I know your guest sumbissions says no hate speech, but I cannot not mention this, because it is a big part of our culture. We hate all of North Pole. We wish nothing but the worse for them, and we hope that the North Pole sinks under the sea one day. Is because Santa Claus used to be based in South Pole before big dumb polar bears (we call them fuzzy furs) lured him over there with promises of Elf slave labour. I want all fuzzy furs to go extinct very much. That’s why I no drink coca-cola.

Also, I hate the colony at -66.322492 -62.963607. Their men are retarded fat faggot mathafuckers and their women are ugly whores. I sound fucked in the head but you must understand how much I hate them. They keep coming into our waters and stealing our fish and talking shit. I am sure your people are the same?

In email I include picture of me and my wife. We were 5 years old in that photo. She is very pretty woman, no? Many of my people only get together with someone else only once for breeding season, and after that they split up. But me and wife have been together for years. She is love of my life and I cannot imagine mating with anyone else. Many others did not like her because she was shy but to me that made her better. Life is good.

Thank your for making funny web site, I hope your life is good. Please show these photos on your web site because I want people to know about our wonderful culture and that it is more than just what you see on TV.

Sincerely,
Forsteri

Forsteri included these pictures with his email:

Well hot damn, Forsteri. I knew AJnet had some reach, but I didn’t think we’d made it down to Antarctica yet.

Not that we weren’t planning on it. I heard that there’s a secret Nazi base down there, and they’ve got all kinds of advanced tech. I want that tech for myself, fighting the coming alien invasion is part of AJnet’s agenda, and we’re going to need all the help we can get. After we’re done in Iran, maybe we’ll pay Neuschwabenland a visit and finish what Admiral Byrd couldn’t.

I can see from your pictures that Antarctican culture is very vibrant and beautiful. Look at those bright blue skies, untainted by smog and obnoxious skyscrapers. If we want to see skies that blue here in America we have to go to Wyoming. I don’t know much about Wyoming other than what I’ve read in the Longmire books, but it seems like a pretty dangerous place. Then again, Longmire’s deputy, Vic, is from Philly, so maybe I’d be alright. I’m not about to fuck around and find out though.

I was very disturbed when I saw those pictures from Epstein Glacier. While it’s truly sad to see that even in the furthest recesses of the world there are still sickos who prey on children, I applaud your people’s sense of justice and the swiftness with which you’ve applied it. America could learn a lot from the people of Antarctica. Perhaps one day we can shove ice up the asses of creeps like Prince Andrew, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, and everyone else who was a client of Epstein’s.

I’ll give your hate speech against polar bears a pass, since, as we all know, hate speech is acceptable when it’s directed towards whites. Figures those fuzzy furs would be working with an old white man who uses slave labor and hates poor people.

As a Flyers fan, I wonder if Pittsburgh Penguins captain Sidney Crosby comes from that other colony you mentioned. He’s certainly a faggot. You seem pretty cool Forsteri, I bet Mario Lemieux and Jaromír Jágr came from your colony. Be proud, Lemieux is one of the NHL’s GOATs.

I can see from the picture you sent that you and your wife are truly in love. Do you still hold hands in public like that? I used to think public hand holding was the gayest thing ever, but apparently it’s actually a sign of a strong relationship. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 11 years and we still hold hands whenever we’re out in public. Our relationship seems pretty strong compared to most of the other ones I see, so I guess there’s something to hand holding. Here’s to many more happy years with your wife, I hope you have lots of kids.

Thanks again for your email Forsteri. Here at AJnet Magazine, it’s our mission to entertain you (yes, YOU!) no matter where you are. From America to Antarctica, from London to Liechtenstein, from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, AJnet has no borders in our mission to deliver only the most entertaining content to the human masses.

Angry_Jerk

Adam “The Angry Jerk” Baker is the CEO of The AJnet Organization and Editor-in-Chief of AJnet Magazine. A grizzled internet veteran of over 20 years, he writes about politics, culture, and whatever else manages to annoy him that day.

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