This month from the AJnet Archives: A removed article reviewing different races and ethnic groups!
This site was founded on a basic principle, that all humans are equally worthless and no group is above being a target of my hate.
We’ve since moved on from this childish bullshit, but most of my early work was rooted in this idea. That, and I was hellbent on testing the limits of free speech. For the first three years, the site’s primary objective was to provoke the United Nations to step in and shut me down so I could cry victim.
I’ve talked about how racist the site’s early stuff was, and I’ve been very hesitant to share any of it (this is one of the reasons I had the site pulled from the Internet Archive). What if someone doxes me over it and tells my boss, or even worse, my mom? What if I offend and alienate my current readerbase?
After careful consideration, I’ve decided to stop giving a fuck.
Anyone who gets seriously upset or offended over some dumb shit that I said almost 20 years ago can kindly fuck off. Was it stupid and childish of me? Yes. Did I genuinely mean any of it? At the time, some of it. Does it accurately reflect who I am as a person now? No. Do I regret posting any of it? Hell no. I’m not proud of the stuff I said, but I’m not sorry either.
I’m not apologizing for shit. The world has reached a state where everyone is offended about everything all of the time and trying to extort apologies out of others, and I’m tired of it. Some of y’all do nothing but cry about every little thing and take offense for things that don’t even concern you. I wish rich white people would shut the fuck up about black lives, I wish giant corporations would stop changing their logos to rainbows during Pride Month, I wish I wasn’t expected to pretend that the motherfucker with a bigger beard than me wearing a dress was a woman and that he’s not mentally ill, and I wish the media would stop making shitty movies and shows with untalented ugly trash actors to pander to crybaby faggots who weren’t going to watch it regardless.
Oh, and I’m tired of not being able to call people “faggot” anymore.
I’m not going to claim that straight white males are victims here either, because we’re not. I just want to be able to make a joke or use a word without worrying that someone is going to try to crucify me for it because I offended a few pussies who think they speak for an entire group. These people are completely out of touch with reality, they don’t represent the majority of anyone, and I’m done catering to their ever-changing whims. I’m Philly born and raised, our city motto is “Fuck around and find out”. Come and try, cunts. You come at the king, you best not miss. To quote Dre:
So fuck y’all, all y’all
If y’all don’t like me, blow me
Y’all are gon’ keep fuckin’ around with me and turn me back to the old me
With that rant out of the way, the first offensive article I’ll be republishing, “Another Race-Related Update”, was written at some point in either 2007 or 2008, completely out of spite.
By this point, I had received more than a few complaints about my site’s content. People complained that the site was racist, and hate speech wasn’t cool or funny anymore. They were right, of course, but their offense was like encouragement to me, it meant that I was succeeding in my goal to push the limits of free speech. Surely it would only be a matter of time before the United Nations stepped in and censored me, which I could then use to justify… some kind of retaliation. I honestly don’t know what I thought I was going to do if the UN shut me down. I’d blame the drugs and alcohol here, but after a certain point even that’s not a valid excuse for some of the shit I came up with. Man I was fucking stupid.
So in response to the criticism of my racist content, I doubled down and wrote this article, which was a review of different races and ethnic groups.
This is “Another Race-Related Update”, originally posted to the site at some point in 2007 or 2008 (I don’t have an exact date):
Yep, that’s right. Another one of my articles is race-related. Rather than just focus on one race, I’m going to review the majority of races. Just to show that I’m a fair guy, I’ll even list the good things about the races.
Note that you can’t solely do whites, since they branch off into various enthicities, like Irish or Polish.
African Americans
When you guys have a good leader, you get shit done. When you had MLK to rally around, nobody stood a chance against you. That’s why the CIA/FBI (depends on who you talk to) had to take him out.
That being said, the majority of you have become a huge burden to American society. It’s time to stop blaming white people for everything that goes wrong in your lives, and start accepting responsibility. It’s YOU who dicks around in school and eventually drops out. It’s YOU who breaks the law. It’s YOU who does drugs. We’ve lowered our standards for you to a point where if you fail, you’re a retard. None of my ancestors owned slaves. Hell, my ancestors came here in the 1920’s and were as dirt poor as you claim to be now.
Here is a list of ways to better yourselves:
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Get off of Welfare and get jobs. Even if you’re working at McDonald’s or something trivial, that’s fine. Just stop leeching off of my tax dollars and earn your money.
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Either use protection or stay with the women you impregnate. Abortions shouldn’t be used as a form of birth control. Either be more careful, or live with your mistakes. Don’t abandon your kid.
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Lynch Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They give you a bad name. Let them know that they have no right to speak for you. If MLK were alive today, he’d put aside his peacefulness to lynch those stupid niggers.
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Stay in school. It’s not that the work is too hard, it’s that you’re usually too busy dicking around and disrupting class for the rest of us. Believe me. If you actually pay attention in class, the work is easy. Put down the flashy cellphone, stop bragging about your expensive clothes, and actually focus on the lessons.
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Lay off the drugs. You don’t need weed or crack. I agree to an extent that the CIA was using it to keep you down. The CIA has a lot of dirty doings. But nobody’s forcing you to do drugs.
You guys have the potential to be something great, but you’re too lazy and apathetic to achieve. Find another MLK ASAP.
Koreans
Let’s see. A good thing about Koreans. Hmm. I guess you gave Matt Stone and Trey Parker Kim Jong Il to make fun of in Team America. That was a pretty funny movie. Also, the Virginia Tech shooter Sueng-Hui Cho made a sort of funny video. He was still a douchebag though, and had no business praising the Columbine shooters, since they would have agreed he was a pussy.
Stop building goddamn nail salons all over the place. In Philly, there are no less than 30 nail salons in a 1 mile radius of my parents’ house, all owned by Koreans.
Chinese
You guys are going to be the next dominant global super power when America collapses in 4 years due to the majority of its population being fat, lazy, apathetic morons who are too afraid to stand up to corruption and too busy sucking the dicks of the military and the police.
You own way too much real estate in my country. Chill out with buying land. I respect you more than the other Asian orientations, but seriously. I don’t need a ton of Chinese restaurants to choose from, nor do I need a ton of corner stores. Also, do you think you own enough dollar stores? It’s not the United States of China. Relax with the land buying and we’re cool.
Japanese
There is NOTHING good to say about you.
First, you slanty-eyed mother fuckers bomb Pearl Harbor. I don’t think the two million of you we fucked up with the atomic bombs was enough. We shouldn’t have stopped there. We should have erased Japan off the map. I don’t know what Hitler was thinking when he allied himself with you and that fat pussy Mussolini. I think he just felt sorry for you. Kind of like how I wouldn’t beat up a retarded guy.
Then, you bring your anime bullshit to my country. Anime is fucking garbage. Yugioh, Pokemon, Dragon Ball Z. It’s all ruining the minds of America’s youth. Instead of playing cops and robbers or pirates, kids are making up Japanese names for themselves and spending exuberant amounts of money on 10 cent pieces of paper to fund whatever plot you guys have to pull another Pearl Harbor on us. Bring it mother fuckers. I’ll go against everything I’ve said about the military and enlist in the Army just to go kill as many of you squinty-eyed yellow bastards as I can.
You know what pisses me off? Hello Kitty. I don’t know why. Hello Kitty just pisses me the fuck off. What is it anyway? A cartoon? I’ve never seen it on TV.
I hope a huge flood drowns your shitty little island country and you all die, you yellow bastards. Stop contributing to the downfall of my country. You’d better hope to God I don’t ever become President of the United States. My first act would be to launch one-third of America’s entire ICBM arsenal and sink you stupid nips.
Expect an entire article devoted to Japan in the near future.
Indians (Not Native Americans)
You guys provide comedic relief with your hilarious accents.
You own almost every hotel, every convenience store, and every gas station. You’re worse than the Chinese when it comes to land buying. At least I can respect Chinese people, since a lot of them take the time to learn passible English. You guys I can barely ever understand. An average conversation between me and one of you consists of the following:
You: (Incomprehensible)
Me: k, thanks dude.
You: Thank you, have good day.
I’ve never actually heard one of you do an Apu and say “Thank you, come again.” I think if I heard one of you do that, I would have mad respect for you.
Speak proper English, you stupid Habibis.
Africans
You’re usually much more civilized than the jigaboos from America. I have nothing against you.
Italians
You have work ethic, and I can enjoy your pizza places.
Stop opening up pizza places all over the place. I don’t need 50 different places to choose from. And you Italian-Americans need to keep your big fat greasy mouths shut. You’re not Rocky Balboa, you’re just a fat dirty useless loudmouth.
Irish
Red-headed chicks are fucking hot (with exceptions). Also, Lucky Charms are pretty good, until you eat all the marshmallows. Then it tastes like shit.
Being Irish doesn’t give you the right to get wasted and act like an ass. It also doesn’t entitle you to act like your ass is bulletproof. I’m not avoiding a fight with you because I’m afraid. I’m avoiding a fight with you because you’re drunk and probably not able to realize how badly I can hurt you.
And believe it or not, it’s not a requirement for you to own a bar with an Irish-sounding name (usually has “Mc,” “O’,” or “-nnigan” in it). You don’t need to have a tattoo with the Norte Dame Fighting Irish mascot, a clover, or a pot of gold on it either. It just gives me more reason to wish you were dead.
Russians
You gave us vodka and that one dance where you fold your arms and kick.
I can’t stand your language. It sounds so retarded. Also, Putin looks like a space alien.
Mexicans
Señor Juan is what every Mexican should be like. He came here the legal way, has a job, and is learning English. I miss Señor Juan. He’s back in Philly, and I’m out in the middle of Bumblefuck, where I’m lucky if I even get cellphone reception.
I could write several full articles on the bad things about Mexicans, but honestly, I don’t think those border-jumping, tortilla-eating stinky ass wetbacks are worth the time.
French
I already did an entire article on these guys. Nothing good to say.
Arabs
You guys are the government’s scapegoats right now, so I feel kind of bad for you.
The American government isn’t behind every single one of those terrorist attacks, so don’t try to hide behind that. I know God/Allah/Yahweh/Vishnu (can you say identity crisis?) condones killing innocents and all, but you really need some self control. It’s not like you’re solely attacking American soldiers or people helping them. You’re killing random women and children who had nothing to do with them. Stop being mass-murdering douchebags.
Germans
Hitler was a great leader, for the reasons I already explained in another article. Also, I like knockwurst.
You guys have some weird ass porn fetishes. Sickos.
Native Americans
Instead of begging for handouts and complaining about the white man’s past genocide and persecution, you guys are getting him back by hitting him where it hurts: his wallet. You’re taking advantage of his greed by taking his money in the casinos. Good job. You guys have all my respect.
British
I admit to liking the Harry Potter series. J. K. Rowling made the series get darker as it progressed to keep up with the reader’s increasing age, a tactic which is kind of difficult to pull off. Also, Hugh Laurie is British and rocks balls as Dr. House.
Your accent is on par with a gay guy’s lisp. I’ve never actually met a chav, but I’m sure if I ever heard a wigger with a British accent, I’d break several tea cups over his temple.
Australians
The Crocodile Hunter was fucking awesome. Watch that movie Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course, where the CIA is trying to recover a satellite that a crocodile ate. Steve Irwin was like a fucking socipath. First, he picks up a snake and says “This little guy has enough venom to kill a hundred blokes my size!” Then a little bit later when the CIA guys try to steal the crocodile from him as he’s driving, he takes the snake and dangles it in the dude’s face while laughing and saying “Danger danger!” Even Hannibal Lecter was like “Damn, that guy’s fucking crazy.” There was another part where Steve Irwin just jumps into the water and starts wrestling a crocodile because it didn’t belong in the waters it was in. Then near the end of the movie, some chick comes flying down on a hang glider, and Steve Irwin throws a grappling hook and knocks her out of the sky, causing her to crash into the water and blow up. After that, the two CIA dudes fall into the crocodile-infested water, and scream to Steve for help. He simply looks at the camera, smiles, and says “If these blokes stay in the water long enough, the hunters will become the hunted. It’s nature’s way!” then speeds off in his boat, leaving them to die. I heard they were going to make a sequel where Steve Irwin beats Crocodile Dundee in a knife fight without even using a knife. Me and some others were the first people to make original “Steve Irwin Facts” that weren’t just those shitty “Chuck Norris Facts” rewritten with Steve Irwin’s name. But I don’t talk to those people anymore because they’re faggots.
All that being said, the man got killed by a fucking sting ray. He wrestled crocodiles for a living, and a sting ray killed him. The most bad ass man in Australia died because of some fucking fish. On top of that, they have Russell Crowe, dijeridoo (I don’t give a fuck if I misspelled it) music, and vegemite. Australia isn’t the worst country out there, but it has the potential now that the Crocodile Hunter is dead.
Polish
I’ve seen some pretty nice-looking Polish chicks. I also like kielbasa.
I’ve also seen some really hideous-looking Polish chicks that could pass for men. I don’t understand where those Polish jokes about them being dumb came from, so I’ll refrain from them.
I’m out of races. If I didn’t include your race or nationality, then you probably aren’t even significant enough for me to remember.
Conspicuously missing from this was the Jews. I’m not sure why I forgot to include them, they were my favorite group to talk shit about back then.
I could go into why I was wrong about each group, but fuck that, this article was basically a giant shitpost meant to troll the people crying about my site being racist. No apologies, assholes.
I went surprisingly easy on blacks, considering that half of my early stuff had multiple uses of the word “nigger” worked in. In fact, it’s incredible that I only used it once in this entire article (though to be fair I did use “jigaboo” later). I can’t really argue with anything I said about them here though, I guess my time in public school was still fresh on my mind. I could go into a whole diatribe about socioeconomic factors, but you could also go fuck yourself. I meant it, no apologies.
I love how I spent several paragraphs railing on Japan, and now I regularly review anime.
“You guys are going to be the next dominant global super power when America collapses in 4 years due to the majority of its population being fat, lazy, apathetic morons who are too afraid to stand up to corruption and too busy sucking the dicks of the military and the police.” I’ll take “Quotes that aged well for $500” Alex.
I did end up getting an Indian to say “Thank you come again”, and it was just hilarious as I’d have hoped. Believe it or not, most of them don’t have a problem with Apu. Too bad they still have a problem with a-pooing in the streets. And rape.
Juan most certainly did NOT come here legally. I’m not sure why I tried to push this narrative early on. Juan shared the story of how he came here in this article, and he shared the actual story in this other article. He’s been a legal citizen since 2012, and I have no problem going against ICE to protect him and his family. AJnet rides together and dies together, homie.
There’s a small backstory behind the “Africans are more civilized than the jigaboos from America” bit. During my brief stint in community college I had a class with a black guy from Africa, named Ebo. Ebo was from Sierra Leone, and was about 15 years older than me. He sat next to me, so we’d make conversation. One day the subject of American blacks came up (I think we were talking about taking SEPTA), and he went on a whole rant about how much he hated them. He said, and I quote, “Those jigaboos got no respect for nobody.” When I wrote this article a few years later, my conversation with Ebo popped into my head and I decided to drop a slick little reference that only I would get. I wonder how that guy is doing now.
I highly recommend watching Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course. It’s surprisingly funny for what it was, and Steve Irwin was a goddamn psychopath in it.
I guess the moral of this one is, there’s a reason stereotypes exist. We can either acknowledge and laugh at them, or we can be sensitive pussies and cry whenever someone brings them up. I’d don’t know about you, but I’d rather laugh than cry. People need to learn the difference between jokes and actual hate.
You know what? Let’s go balls to the wall. For next month, I think we’ll revisit an old article called “I Admire Hitler and Agree With the Columbine Shooters”. No apologies, motherfucker.
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