Battlestation Reviews: Serial Bomber Edition

In this edition of Battlestation Reviews: The Simpsons, cloudy skies, Zyzz, serial bombers, and more!

I hate writing these damn intros.

I started to write this whole schpiel about how I wanted to update my own setup. I had like three paragraphs written before I realized that I already talked about this back in May when I shared pictures of old setups I’ve had over the years.

I’m not going to waste time thinking of some other clever way to segue into this month’s Battlestation Review, so we’re cutting right to the chase here. This time around, we’ve got a setup running Windows XP, a guy with a crazy cloud effect on his ceiling, a messy room, Zyzz, a classy setup, and some dork who thinks he works for NASA or some shit. Oh, and a guy who’s definitely a serial bomber.

I’ve got nothing else here, let’s get at it.

1. Ground Control to Major Dork

I’ll be honest, I was prepared to tear this setup several new assholes for being some dorky fake NASA bullshit.

But I just can’t.

At first glance, I thought all those random buttons on the walls were just for decoration. As I look closer though, I can see that they actually serve various purposes. The ones to the right of the monitor appear to be media controls. I can’t hate on that, that’s pretty fucking dope. I might even steal that idea somehow. Currently I’m controlling my music with the side buttons on my mouse, which is very easy and very convenient, but it doesn’t look as cool as having big ass buttons on the wall that do it. I’m not sure what the other buttons do, but I’m awarding points for wall-mounted media controls. Bonus points if at least one of those other buttons switches the monitor input to another computer.

Nothing else about this setup is really remarkable. I’m going to take a wild guess and assume this person fixes computers for a living. I don’t know if this is a home workshop or an actual workshop at his job, but it’s still pretty cool.

6/10, sorry that I was about to make fun of you.

2. Win-D’ohs XP

I miss Windows XP.

XP is hands-down my favorite OS (my second favorite is Windows 98 in case you were wondering). Aside from being almost perfectly optimized, XP had an aesthetic that somehow managed to be both beautiful and ugly at the same time. The green Start button on top of the blue task bar is a clash of colors so hideous that it must have been designed by a color-blind Polack, yet there’s an elegant beauty to it that pulls you in. Kind of like a fat chick with a nice outfit and a cute face. Yeah she’s fat, you know there’s blubber under that dress, but for some reason you still want to take her home and give her ass the ol’ plap ‘n slap.

In the case of Windows XP, you also had programs like Window Blinds and Stardock to customize the Start menu and task bar. I was rocking red and black instead of that green and blue shit. I miss the fun that came with downloading third party software and spending a couple of hours learning how it worked so I could customize my OS. Now everything is either built-in or locked down, and looks bland and sterile.

And, holy shit, is that a PalmPilot on the table? Fuck this dogshit Google Pixel and Gboard, I miss the days when touchscreens actually fucking worked. Seriously, it really feels like Gboard goes out of its way to be shitty.

Your collection of Simpsons figures reminds me of my old friend’s collection. He had a shit ton of those things, probably over a hundred if not more. We’d smoke weed in his basement listening to Wutang Clan and NWA while I marveled at his massive Simpsons collection.

This entire setup invokes feelings of nostalgia.

2/10, fuck the past, I only look forward.

3. Shitstorm

Previously I mentioned using polyester stuffing over LED strips to create a cloud effect around the edges of my computer room.

This tryhard took it to the next level, covering his entire ceiling in the stuff to create a rolling storm effect.

Sure, it looks cool. At first. Then the polyester slowly begins to collect dust, dimming the lights and making the ceiling look dingy. Eventually you start finding little white strands everywhere, because the stuff is quite literally dropping from the sky. In the end you’re left with only a pretty picture of a fleeting moment when your ceiling looked cool and not a dirty and disgusting mess.

The rest of the setup looks clean though. Good cable management, a nice black/white/gray aesthetic, and the classic IKEA Lagkapten/Alex combo.

6/10, looks cool. I wonder what that ceiling would look like if I was high as fuck.

4. Fuck off mom I don’t wanna clean my room

Clean your fucking room, dude.

I don’t care if you’re just a teenager, there’s no excuse for this cluttered bullshit. What are those booger things hanging from the ceiling? I know popcorn ceilings are hard to clean but come on. Points deducted for being a disgusting slob.

Are you using a regular fan to cool your computer? Clever idea I guess, but it’s dirty as hell. I actually had to zoom in because at first glance I thought it was a fogged up takeout container. I should never be confusing a fan for a plastic takeout container. Cooling fans don’t work as well when they’re caked in dust. How do people let their shit get this dusty? I’m actually a month overdue for dusting out my computer and I feel skeeved even though it’s really not that bad. At least dust the fan off, it takes like three seconds.

5/10, the room itself is actually nice and has a lot of untapped potential. Clean it up a bit then get back at me.

5. We’re all gonna make it

This is the setup of a 100% genuine authentic Fuarkistani sickcunt.

Sure, the desk is messy as sin. But that’s okay, because I take one look at his monitor and I know he’s going to make it. We’re all going to make it.

9/10, this guy is based and Zyzz-pilled.

6. What are you doing on 4chan, dude?

When I was picking out images for this article, I saw this picture and assumed I mislabeled it. I checked, double-checked, and even triple-checked, thinking that there’s no way in hell I grabbed this from 4chan.

This setup is just way too nice and aesthetically coherent to have come from a dump like 4chan. Most Anons have setups full of weeb shit, dragon dildos, and empty booze bottles, not nicely-structured setups like this.

This has kind of a “forbidden palace” vibe going for it. I feel like I’ve been trekking across the jungle of some central-Asian country and I’ve stumbled upon this small inexplicably ornate house that was a secret getaway for the fifth emperor of the Ming Dynasty.

I’m not sure what those net things are, I’ve never seen anything like them in my life. But now I kind of want them, even though there’s no way in hell they wouldn’t clash with my current setup. Maybe for my living room? I can’t think of any practical purpose that they’d serve, but they look cool as decor.

The wall behind the computer could use a bit more decoration. Not too much more though, this setup actually benefits from not being too busy. Maybe put up a silhouette of an ancient Asian palace or something that fits with the silhouette that’s already there.

This is a person with a good sense of aesthetic and an eye for color coordination. I dig this setup. 8/10, do yourself a favor and get off of 4chan before you start cluttering it with anime girls and dragon dildos.

7. Definitely a serial bomber

Now this is the kind of setup I’d expect to see on 4chan. In fact, I thought that I got the labeling for this one and the previous one mixed up.

We closed out the last Battlestation Review with a setup that looked like a bomb but wasn’t. This time around though, I’m 99.9% sure that this is the setup of a serial bomber. In like two years when this guy starts bombing synagogues or whatever, people are going to be like “We never saw this coming”, and I’m going to point to this picture and say “I did, look at this shit”.

I’ve seen pictures of Islamic terrorist cells in the Middle East that look less suspicious than this setup. Think I’m joking? This is from an actual ISIS cell in Syria:

6/10, needs a little more decor but otherwise looks pretty chill.

The actual terrorist cell looks less suspicious, even with the giant ISIS flag crudely painted on the wall.

There’s a ton of room for improvement here, starting with the giant trip hazard right in the middle of the floor. I see an outlet on the left, why do you have your power strip going across the whole room? That’s not cool man, someone’s going to trip on that shit, bust their ass, then sue the hell out of you.

The wall could also use a fresh coat of paint. As a serial bomber, you probably have a lot of pent-up rage, so I recommend something calming like periwinkle blue. Also, consider getting a cover for that light switch. Exposed wiring can be dangerous.

If I was you I’d invest a few bucks in a chair. No need to blow $1,000+ on a Herman Miller, just grab one from Office Max. Standing to play games is probably uncomfortable, and it looks like you’re also putting some strain on your neck.

This room is also severely lacking in decor. Grab a few posters, slap some shelves up on the wall, and maybe get a couple LED strips and some Funko Pops.

With a little spit and grit, this room could really shine. 5/10, spend less time building bombs and more time building up your room to its full potential.

We’ll be back in a couple of months with another Battlestation Review. As always, submissions are welcome. Send us an email at [email protected] with your setup and we’ll include it in a future article.

Angry_Jerk

Adam “The Angry Jerk” Baker is the CEO of The AJnet Organization and Editor-in-Chief of AJnet Magazine. A grizzled internet veteran of over 20 years, he writes about politics, culture, and whatever else manages to annoy him that day.

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