DEAR JUAN: I don't actually understand my job!

Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan with more advice!

Juan work very hard at Uncle Paco Taco and T-shirt shop make mucho taco and burrito for many hungry customer. Mi Hermano Rico come to shop say “Juan what you do now”. Juan tell Mi Hermano Rico must work make taco and burrito but Mi Hermano Rico say “you take break now Juan we go to park play fútbol”. Juan say no very busy but Boricua Luis tell Juan “is fine Juanito I take over make taco and burrito you go play fútbol with tu hermano”. Juan say yes that is good and go to park with Mi Hermano Rico.

Juan and Mi Hermano Rico play fútbol Juan score many goal like Pelé Juan very good you watch Juan play fútbol you see is very good you say “Holy shit amigo Juan is like Ronaldo on la cancha”. Mi Hermano Rico say “Yes Juan you are very good but that is because I no drink special fútbol juice uno momento por favor” then drink Corona. Mi Hermano Rico say “okay Juanito I am ready now” but Juan score goal again. Mi Hermano Rico say “okay that is fine I drink more fútbol juice” drink more Corona.

That is when Rolando and Miguel come to park say “hola amigos Boricua Luis say you take break play fútbol that is fine we play fútbol too is us versus you Juan and Rico”. Juan say no play on team with Mi Hermano Rico he es no bueno and drunk too but Mi Hermano Rico say “yes mi hermano we beat these punks I drink more fútbol juice first” drink more Corona what in the hell.

Everyone go onto la cancha and Juan get ball. Juan run to goal see Miguel is at goal. Miguel say “no get by me cacarot (Juan means “Kakarot”… I think ~Ed.) I go super Saiyan now” Miguel scream very loud Juan very confused but kick ball score goal. Rolando say “aye yai yai what in the hell Miguel why you no stop Juan get out of goal I am portero now”. Miguel say okay I got this amigo watch me. Miguel kick ball very hard run after ball with arm behind back. Juan very confused but little gringo boy see Miguel say “look he is Naruto like in anime cartoon!” Mi Hermano Rico laugh at Miguel say “no worry Juan I stop anime Miguel hahaha”. Mi Hermano Rico run and that is when Mi Hermano Rico trip and fall twist ankle. Mi Hermano Rico lay on ground say “give me more fútbol juice por favor” but little gringo boy run onto la cancha and kick Mi Hermano Rico. Rolando ask Juan we help and Juan say yes we help we help little gringo boy kick Mi Hermano Rico kick Mi Hermano Rico until he cry like little girl. Everyone kick Mi Hermano Rico then Rolando say “okay we kick enough he learn lesson I take Rico to hospital now” and take Mi Hermano Rico to hospital. Juan see Mi Hermano Rico later have crutch and Mi Hermano Rico say “what in the hell Juan why you kick me?” Juan say “What you mean pendejo I no kick you you drink too much and trip stupid idiot why you drink mucho beer play fútbol that is why you are get hurt”. Mi Hermano Rico say yes you are right Juanito now I go drink more fútbol juice take away pain hahaha”. Mi Hermano Rico very drunk stupid idiot but that is life.

Today Juan answer question from man who pretend to do job he no know how to do:

Dear Juan,

I’ve been pretending to understand my job for eight months and I think I’ve finally reached a level where I actually can’t fake it anymore. Do I come clean to my boss or just keep going?

So for context, I have a master’s degree in something completely unrelated to this job, I got hired because I interviewed well and apparently “fast learner” on a CV is legally binding. Eight months in and I’ve been surviving entirely on confident nodding, strategic use of the phrase “let me circle back on that,” and a browser history that is just Stack Overflow and “what is (word my boss just said).” The issue is that up until now the stakes have been low enough that vibes could carry me. That era has ended. There is a meeting on Monday with actual numbers and actual questions and my boss just told me I’m “leading it” in a tone that suggested he thinks that’s a reward. I have four days. I don’t know if I should come clean, speed-run eight months of learning in 96 hours, or simply walk into the ocean. What should I do?

John-Henry W.

Señor John-Henry Juan read question and say yes this sound like young Juan. Juan tell you story now you see is like you.

Many year ago Juan come to America live with Mi Hermano Rico. Juan say “okay Mi Hermano Rico I come to America make mucho dinero you give job por favor”. Mi Hermano Rico say “yes Juan I give you job you come to construction job tomorrow we put new carpet in nice gringo house and build big deck too”. Juan no do construction job ever Juan use saw in Ciudad Juárez cut wood very crooked Big Hernando see this he say who is blind and drunk man cut wood.

Juan say “Mi hermano, I no do construction job ever”. Mi Hermano Rico tell Juan that is fine Juan learn on job. Mi Hermano Rico also tell Juan pretend work construction job in Mexico is fine tell lie nobody will know.

Juan go to work with Mi Hermano Rico meet gringo foreman Ted. Ted say “Hola Juan you do construction work in Mexico?” Juan tell Ted yes Juan do mucho construction work in Ciudad Juárez. Ted say “yes that is good very good young Juan. Now go help Rico cut wood por favor”. Juan help Mi Hermano Rico cut wood but Juan cut wood very crooked again Mi Hermano Rico say “¡Dios mío Juan! why you drink on job? No drink on job!” Juan say what you mean pendejo no drink on job and Mi Hermano Rico say “then why wood look like drunk man cut?” Mi Hermano Rico show Juan how to cut wood is good but other worker Panchito see Juan say “ey new guy I need help por favor please go to Domingo ask for long rod”. Juan say yes señor I do that now. Juan go to Domingo say “señor please give me long rod por favor”. Domingo say “okay I give you long rod bend over puto” and everyone laugh at Juan. Gringo foreman Ted come over say “ey young Juan why you fall for stupid joke? You work construction job before yes?” Juan tell Ted yes work many construction job in Ciudad Juárez build many building and house. Ted say “yes that is what I thought young Juan. Now please go to gringo store Home Depot and buy left-handed hammer here I give you money keep the change amigo.”

Juan go to gringo store Home Depot and see many hammer but no see hammer left-handed. Juan see worker ask where is left-handed hammer worker say what the fuck you say señor. Juan tell worker construction job send Juan to buy left-handed hammer and worker laugh very hard call Juan stupid idiot tell Juan get the fuck out of store. Juan go back to construction job and everybody laugh at Juan say “hahaha Juan is stupid idiot go to store buy left-handed hammer ask Domingo for long rod too he is dumb he no work construction job in Ciudad Juárez”. Juan say yes you are right Juan tell lie but that is because Juan want to work learn new job make mucho dinero.

That is when Ted put arm around Juan and say “young Juan I know you tell lie you no bullshit bullshitter son but that is fine I also see you work very hard so we will teach you how to do construction job”. Juan say yes that is good. Ted say yes that is what I like to hear young Juan now go ask Raúl for board stretcher. Juan say no is joke and Ted tell Juan “yes young Juan now you are learning”. Mi Hermano Rico say “come Juanito I show you how to cut wood now” cut mucho wood many hour.

You say “yes Juan you tell very good story but no answer question I need help not story”.

Señor John-Henry, you must be like Juan at construction job. Juan no work construction job but learn how to do job anyway. You work gringo computer job long time eight month say you lie to boss use internet search too. You think you cheat but Señor John-Henry what you really do is learn job. You no read internet search? Juan think yes. You say “Señor Google I no understand what do I do?” Señor Google give answer and now you know answer too. That is learn job amigo is like school say “Maestro I no understand what do I do?” and maestro give answer.

You say you have 96 hour study eight month work but you study eight month already use internet so you study now is very easy. You think you no understand job but you study you say “yes I know that I do this already so I remember is do this”. Yes you must study Señor John-Henry but study no hard because you learn a lot work eight month. You go to meeting say “Okay I am el jefe now we do this”. You lead meeting and boss say “yes bueno Señor John-Henry that is why you are el jefe. Now I am hungry we go to gringo restaurant Applebee’s for lunch eat mucho appetizer I buy with company credit card good job Señor John-Henry”.

Señor John-Henry you must believe in yourself you know more than you think.

Best of luck to you amigo.

Need guidance from a man who has lived, loved, and survived many mistakes? Send your problem to [email protected] and Juan may answer it in a future column.

Señor Juan

Señor Juan is AJnet Magazine’s resident advice columnist and a staff member since 2008. His advice is blunt and straightforward, usually preceded by a long, crazy story that may or may not be relevant. Despite this, his success rate is higher than it should be.

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