Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan back with more advice!
Juan get text from AJ say “ey Juan mi amigo read website like give advice he make funny picture of you and me use crazy gringo AI look at this”. Juan see picture is this
What in the hell why you make this Juan no vaquero maricón what the fuck. AJ say “It is funny Juan mi amigo make poster about movie Brokeback Mountain but is us instead haha”. Juan ask AJ who is amigo and AJ say “He is Lanzar is mi amigo long time ago read AngryJerk.net website in beginning”. Juan tell AJ that is fine but tell crazy gringo Lanzar no make gay poster I am not gay I like women Juan have mucho sex with many senorita bonita no have sex with gay vaquero like in gringo movie. Juan say maybe AJ have gay sex with vaquero and that is why he find stupid gay sex joke funny but Juan no do this (Fuck you, Juan. ~AJ).
Juan no make gay sex movie but today Juan answer question from man who make sex movie but no sure tell woman.
Dear Juan,
I’m a guy in my 20s. I graduated college, have a solid job, and recently I started seeing someone I really like. We’ve been dating for about a month, and I’m at the point where I’m thinking about making things official.
The problem though is in my past.
A few years ago, I was very into bodybuilding and regularly posted my body and my progress online. During that time, a porn studio reached out and offered me $5,000 to film a video. I was doing okay financially then so I turned it down.
A few months later, my career path and schooling became too expensive. I was struggling and couldn’t make enough money just working a part-time job at a pizza shop. Out of desperation, I remembered the offer and reached back out to them.
They flew me to another city, I filmed one video, got paid, and went home. About a month later, I felt absolutely disgusted with myself and with porn in general. I needed the money, but it came at the cost of my own dignity. It’s been five years, I’ve never even watched the video, and I completely swore off porn afterward. I haven’t watched porn since.
Now, things are getting more serious with the woman I’m dating, and I feel like this is something I might need to tell her about, but I’m terrified that it could be a dealbreaker. I’d understand if it was, but I don’t know what the right thing to do is.
Out of respect for her, I’ve also purposely refrained from having sex with her because I feel she deserves to know about my past before things go any further.
Should I say anything at all?
If so, how do I bring it up without dumping this on her or making it feel like a confession?
And if this were your partner’s past and they were genuinely remorseful, how would you react?
Jason from Atlanta
Ey Señor Jason you help Juan get job make porno too? Haha just kidding.
Juan say no tell woman about make porno. That is because Juan make porno and lose woman. Juan tell story now
Long time ago Juan come to America go to work at construction job make mucho dinero. Juan go to gringo restaurant Burger King lunch eat whooper meal with Mi Hermano Rico. Juan eat lunch with Mi Hermano Rico and that is when gringo come to table and say “Hola mi amigos how would you like to be movie star?” Juan say what you mean and gringo say he make movie and Juan and Mi Hermano Rico look like big star role. Mi Hermano Rico ask how much and gringo say he pay mucho dinero $2000. Juan say yes director what is my line. Mi Hermano Rico say yes that is fine but we must finish work first build porch for customer. Gringo say yes please come to studio when you are done work amigo here is address.
Juan and Mi Hermano Rico go to address after work think is big movie studio but is dirty house in bad neighborhood instead. Juan see dirty homeless man outside house ask Juan for change see black man sell drug too. Juan think is wrong address but gringo come out of house say “ey there are my big stars! Welcome to my studio mi amigos we make mucha película make mucho dinero too!”
Juan and Mi Hermano Rico go into dirty house see big fat woman sit on couch in underwear what in the hell. Gringo man say okay is time to make movie go to bedroom por favor. Juan and Mi Hermano Rico go to bedroom fat woman come too. Fat woman lay on bed take off underwear say “oh yes today is my lucky day me gusta Mexican give mama those burritos por favor”. That is when Juan understand is no movie is porno movie with fat woman. Juan say no have sex with fat woman leave now but Mi Hermano Rico say “Juanito what you mean is sex with woman and gringo pay mucho dinero too tu es muy loco no have sex make mucho dinero too”. Gringo say yes amigo fat woman is big job take two man pay mucho dinero. Juan no want to have sex with big fat woman but Juan do anyway because mucho dinero Mi Hermano Rico have sex with big fat woman too but Juan think he enjoy. Mi Hermano Rico smack fat woman on el culo say “ey Juan look I am like gringo surfer dude ride big wave haha surfs up amigo hang diez dude!”
Juan and Mi Hermano Rico have sex with big fat woman and gringo record with camera. Juan see gringo tenerla parada what the fuck. Gringo say yes yes very good amigos she is piggy you must make her squeal señor. Fat woman say yes I am big fat piggy oink oink feed piggy mucho Mexican food. Mi Hermano Rico say “yes Señora Piggy I give you burrito mucho sour cream” and (Okay, I’m cutting this part out, that’s just gross. ~Ed.)
When finish Juan say okay where is dinero. Gringo man say what you mean. Juan say gringo man promise mucho dinero so where is. Gringo man say “oh I am so sorry señor I just remember now no pay you mucho dinero get the fuck out of my house stupid fucking idiot beaner”. Juan say “No pendejo you must pay mucho dinero you promise”. Gringo say go fuck yourself stupid beaner get the fuck out of my house cabrón you no leave I call las migras say there is illegal Mexican in my house he rape wife too”. Mi Hermano Rico grab Juan by arm say “Vamanos Juanito we must go now!” Juan say yes but gringo no pay and Mi Hermano Rico say yes but we have sex so that is good but it is not good Juan no like have sex with big fat woman.
Juan forget about porno with big fat woman but Juan meet senorita Alyssa. Juan go on date with Alyssa and Alyssa say “oh Juanito tu es muy guapo we go to tu casa have mucho sex por favor”. Juan say yes that is very good bring Alyssa to mi casa. Mi Hermano Rico sit on couch drink mucho Corona watch TV naked. Juan say what the fuck why are you naked and Mi Hermano Rico say “ey Juan remember we make porno movie with big fat woman haha good time mi hermano”. That is when Juan look at TV see porno movie of Juan and Mi Hermano Rico have sex with big fat woman. Alyssa also look at TV see porno movie. Alyssa say “¡Dios mio Juan! You make dirty porno movie you are disgusting I no have sex with you cochino I leave now no call me again”. Juan very sad but Mi Hermano Rico laugh at Juan and say that is life.
Señor Jason, you no tell woman about dirty porno movie. Woman no like man make porno movie and Juan know this because Alyssa call Juan cochino that is how gringo say dirty pig. You want have sex with porno gringa Jenna Jameson? Yes Jenna Jameson muy bonita but Jenna Jameson also have mucho sex with many dirty man too. You tell girlfriend you make dirty porno movie and she say “That is disgusting cochino you are like dirty porno gringo Ron Jeremy I no have sex with dirty porno gringo I dump you now señor go date cute gringo man at job he no make dirty porno movie”.
Why you tell girlfriend about porno movie? Is not important so why girlfriend know? Juan no tell Alyssa but Alyssa see anyway because Mi Hermano Rico stupid idiot drunk but you no live with stupid idiot drunk so girlfriend no see movie unless girlfriend look at porno and Señor Jason if girlfriend look at porno then that is good too because you tell her you make porno and girlfriend say “ooh papi you no tell me I date sexy porno movie man have mucho sex with me papi like girl in movie”. But if girlfriend no watch porno then no tell her.
Best of luck to you amigo.
Do you have a problem and need Juan’s advice? Send Juan an email at [email protected] or leave a comment below and your question may be answered in a future Dear Juan article!
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Hey Juan, I was just curious, how angry was that mountain between you and AJ?
-Lanzar