Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan back with more advice!
¡Feliz Año Nuevo!
Every year Juan go back to Mexico visit mi familia for holiday Christmas and New Year but this year Juan no go. Juan hear many story about ICE stop at border say “Hola beaner where you go now? You want to cha cha across border but the border is closed tough luck amigo go home now beaner”. Juan become American citizen many year ago but Mi Hermano Rico tell Juan “No Juanito they no care about green card they send you back anyway Señor Trump say no Mexican in America now”. What in the hell why you do this Juan vote for Donald Trump in election know many Mexican also vote for Donald Trump why he say Mexican must leave America?
Juan no visit Mexico because Juan scared no come back. AJ say no worry is AJnet operative everywhere get Juan back in if there is problem but Juan no take chance. Juan no see familia en Mexico no see mi amigo Javier but that is fine because Juan still have familia y amigos here in United States.
Today Juan answer question from person steal from gringo store Target.
Dear Juan,
What do I do?? I was at target buying two boxes of Pokemon cards and I scanned one but through both in the bag without thinking. When I got home I looked at receipt and saw I only payed for one.. Am I cooked?? Should I go back to the store and try to explain what happened to them? I’m afraid I’ll get in trouble if I do but I’m afraid I’ll get in even more trouble if I don’t come clean? Am I cooked??
Liam
¡Dios mio! Señor Liam why you send this now you make Juan accomplice you commit very serious crime and tell Juan now Juan go to jail too haha just kidding.
Señor Liam, policía no arrest you for pokemon card. Let Juan tell you story now you see why policía no arrest you.
Many year ago Juan have crazy gringo friend Richie. Richie muy loco do many crazy thing like poop on street and jump on car honk horn at him. Juan see Richie jump up and down on car say “HONK HONK I AM CAR TOO HONK HONK” muy loco. Richie say “ey Juan amigo we go shopping at Target today”. Juan say yes that is fine but no have money. Richie say “Juan Juan Juan mi amigo why you worry so much? Is fine I take care of you amigo no worry.”
Juan go to store with Richie see shirt muy lindo. Richie say “ey Juan I see you look at shirt you put in cart amigo I got you”. Juan say yes but is muy caro. Richie tell Juan “yes Juan but today is special discount day put shirt in cart I buy for you today”. Juan put shirt in cart but no hear about special Target discount day very confused.
Richie put many thing in cart. Juan say okay we go to check out now and Richie say “yes Juan we check out now. Check this out amigo.” Richie run with shopping cart out door what the fuck. Juan run too no go to jail.
Richie and Juan run to car and Juan say “what the fuck pendejo why you steal from store”. Richie say “You no remember Juan? Is special discount day everything 100% off today.” Juan tell Richie is no discount is stealing Juan no steal Juan steal get arrested by gringo policía get deported back to Mexico. Richie laugh at Juan say “ey amigo relax Target no arrest you must steal mucho dinero then Target arrest.”
Richie steal many time from Target bring Juan every time but one day Richie steal from Target and big gringo security guard hide behind door say “ey punk where you go I catch you now cabrón” grab Richie. Juan feel hand grab arm say “you too come with us señor”. Big security guard take Richie and Juan to room say “We catch you steal mucho dinero stupid idiot you no think we have camera? We call policía now you go to jail.” Richie tell big security guard “fuck policía cabrón policía es el putos” spit on big security guard. Big security guard say “oh you are big tough man huh señor that is fine you come with me we see you are tough” take Richie away. Other big security guard look at Juan say “What about you amigo are you big tough man too?” Juan say no big tough man Juan just want to go home no call policía por favor no like stupid gringo idiot Richie anyway. Big security guard laugh at Juan say “Haha you are like niño pequeño eres un pequeño cobarde”. Juan say yes you are right please let Juan go por favor. Big security guard say yes you can go go to jail pendejo no steal from Target. Juan muy asustado cry. Juan fart really loud. Big security guard say what the fuck and Juan fart again poop pants too. Juan eat mucho burrito extra hot sauce before go to store that is why Juan poop in pants. Big security guard smell poop say “aye yai yai cabrón what in the hell you poop pants I call you Señor Stinky britches now.” Juan cry poop again and big security guard tell Juan “¡Dios mio! Okay Señor Stinky britches today is your lucky day you leave now no come back to store with poop pants.” Juan go home with poop pants never see crazy gringo friend Richie again Juan think he go to jail.
You read story say “what you mean policía no arrest me Juan you say gringo friend go to jail steal from Target that is what I do”. Yes Señor Liam crazy gringo Richie go to jail steal from Target but that is because Richie steal mucho dinero all of the time. You steal Pokemon card by accident one time that is fine because you no steal all of the time. Big security guard see camera say “ey look at this guy he put two Pokemon card on bag but only pay for one” other big security guard say “haha he make stupid mistake that is fine is only Pokemon card accident anyway I go to Uncle Paco Taco and T-shirt shop for lunch amigo what you want”.
Señor Liam, no worry about accidentally steal Pokemon card. You make mistake one time is fine but no make mistake every time then you go to jail like crazy gringo Richie.
Best of luck to you amigo.
Do you have a problem and need Juan’s advice? Leave a comment below or send Juan an email at [email protected] and your question may be answered in a future Dear Juan article!
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