DEAR JUAN: My Girlfriend Says I'm Too Nice!

Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan with more advice!

Juan very busy last week.

Mi Hermano Rico call Juan say “Juanito I need your help por favor.” Mi Hermano Rico say we must help friend move couch. Juan say very busy work hard make mucho taco and burrito at Uncle Paco Taco and T-shirt shop but Uncle Paco hear Juan and say “Juanito mi sobrino, is fine you must go help familia now you come back when you are done Rolando will make taco and burrito now.” Juan no want to move couch but Uncle Paco tell Juan vamanos so Juan must go help Mi Hermano Rico.

Juan and Mi Hermano Rico go to big apartment building see gringo in truck with couch. Mi Hermano Rico say “Juan this is Kevin he is mi amigo from bodega we help move couch.” Juan say yes that is good and when we are done Kevin buy us beer too. Kevin say yes that is fine.

That is when gringa come out of apartment and yell at Kevin call him stupid idiot say “why couch no in apartment yet I want to watch TV no sit on dirty floor”. Kevin say “yes Brittany I am sorry you are right Rico and Juan are here now so we move couch.”

Kevin say “okay we grab couch do I grab this side babe?” Brittany say “Just grab a side stupid idiot aye yai yai why I date this man?” Juan see Brittany roll eyes very hard Juan think she see brain. Mi Hermano Rico tell Juan grab this side so Juan grab couch. Kevin say “okay now we go to apartment is on third floor.” What in the hell.

Juan carry couch very heavy hallway very small like tube Juan see hamster run in Kevin keep stop say “you need rest baby?” Brittany say “No rest pendejo we go now get couch in apartment I watch TV that is when I rest.” Kevin stop many time until Mi Hermano Rico say “¡Jesús Cristo! No keep stop ask girlfriend she tired you are making me tired Kevin. Vamanos! Vamanos!” Brittany say yes Rico is right stupid idiot come on no stop again. Kevin say yes Brittany I am sorry no stop again.

Couch get to apartment and inside door. Kevin ask girlfriend where couch go. Brittany say “It go in el culo you ask stupid question again fucking idiot.” Juan see big empty spot say put couch here is very good. Brittany say yes you are right Juan Kevin you listen to Juan he is no stupid idiot like you. Juan look at Mi Hermano Rico and that is when Mi Hermano Rico say “¡Dios mio! Look at the time we must go now I see you at Al’s bodega later Kevin you buy mucho Corona.” Kevin say yes thank you amigos.

Juan and Mi Hermano Rico leave and Juan ask why gringa Brittany call Kevin stupid idiot all of the time and why Kevin keep ask if Brittany is alright. Mi Hermano Rico laugh and make noise like crack whip. “He is pussy-whipped Juan.” Juan say yes he is but how he live like this. Mi Hermano Rico say “Yes Juan now you see that is why he drink at bodega.”

Today Juan answer question from man with girlfriend say he is too nice.

Dear Juan,

I’ve been dating this girl for about 8 months. I treat her really well. I take her out, I listen to her problems, I help her with stuff, I don’t cheat, I don’t lie, I basically do everything a good boyfriend is supposed to do.

The problem is, she keeps telling me I’m “too nice” and that it’s a turn-off. She says I don’t challenge her and that I’m “too easy.”

I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I thought girls wanted a guy who treats them right. Now it feels like I’m getting punished for it.

What am I supposed to do, start acting like a jerk?

Ryan T.

Señor Ryan, Juan read letter and already know what is problem before finish read. That is because Juan see this many time.

Is not you are too nice, is you are too available.

You say “What you mean Juan that is what boyfriend do?” Let Juan tell you about start work at Uncle Paco Taco and T-shirt shop.

Juan love taco and burrito very much is favorite food. Uncle Paco say “Juanito you work at restaurant make mucho taco and burrito for many hungry customer you also eat free taco and burrito too”. Juan say yes that is very good go work at restaurant.

Juan work very hard eat mucho taco and burrito every day too Juan eat taco lunch burrito dinner life is good. Juan eat many taco and burrito every day for two month and that is when Juan say “I am tired of taco and burrito I make cheeseburger instead put chorizo on burger too muy bueno.” Juan no eat taco or burrito again for month.

Señor Ryan, you are like taco and burrito and girlfriend is like Juan. Juan eat taco and burrito every day and Juan get tired of eat taco and burrito. That is because Juan eat same thing too much. Girlfriend get tired of you because you are same thing you are always there like taco and burrito always there for Juan.

You no treat girlfriend bad but you must say no sometimes too. Girlfriend say “I need help move furniture Ryan you come help me por favor” and you must say “Oh no I am sorry I cannot. I very busy today go to lunch with friend at Uncle Paco Taco and T-shirt shop buy new shirt too. You ask hermano instead por favor.” Girlfriend send text message when you are with friend you no reply right away. You must reply later say “Sorry I was very busy we eat lunch buy new shirt then go to friend casa play FIFA on Xbox I beat friend every time haha.”

You are your own person Señor Ryan. No be like gringo Kevin pussy-whipped you say no sometime. Woman like strong man that is why Juan get many woman Juan is very strong. You must be strong like Juan señor. You work hard but you also make woman work too. You play hard to get you do this and woman work very hard get attention give you respect too.

Best of luck to you amigo.

Need guidance from a man who has lived, loved, and survived many mistakes? Send your problem to [email protected] and Juan may answer it in a future column.

Señor Juan

Señor Juan is AJnet Magazine’s resident advice columnist and a staff member since 2008. His advice is blunt and straightforward, usually preceded by a long, crazy story that may or may not be relevant. Despite this, his success rate is higher than it should be.

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