Someone Was Stabbed at The Angry Jerk, So Naturally I’m Writing About It

A man is wanted by police for a stabbing that occurred in the bathroom of The Angry Jerk, a Caribbean restaurant in Silver Spring, MD.

No, this isn’t an AJnet Newsroom piece. This actually happened.

The article doesn’t really say what, if anything, led up to the stabbing. It just gives a description of the suspect and asks people to call the Montgomery County Police Department if they have any information.

So why am I writing about this, you ask?

Regular readers will already know about my long-standing Google feud with the Angry Jerk. If you don’t feel like reading the article, stop being lazy and go read it.

But if you really don’t feel like reading the article, the gist of it is a chain of Caribbean restaurants in the Washington DC/Maryland area called “The Angry Jerk” has usurped this site’s place on Google when searching for “angry jerk,” to the point where we don’t even come up at all. I covered our Google struggles in a recent article, and, while the restaurant isn’t all to blame for my failures, I’m not going to miss this opportunity to comment on something that happened involving my Google rival.

First, I would just like to point out that nobody has ever been stabbed while reading AngryJerk.net.

We’ve been around since 2007, and have not had a single stabbing or other violent crime occur on our website. That’s 19 years of safety at AngryJerk.net.

The Angry Jerk restaurant has been around since 2021, and has had at least one reported stabbing occur inside their establishment during those five years.

19 years of no stabbings versus one stabbing in five years?

Going by that metric, it is safer to read AJnet Magazine than it is to use the bathroom at The Angry Jerk restaurant in Silver Spring, MD.

No knife attacks here. The only blade you’ll ever have to deal with when reading this website is the sharpness of our words. Particularly, the sharpness of my Angry Jerk column. My rants cut through the world’s bullshit and pierce your mind.

Now, The Angry Jerk restaurant does have one huge advantage over us: they serve food. Caribbean food, at that. While I’ve never eaten at The Angry Jerk, I have had Caribbean food, and it’s pretty good. Jerked chicken is some good shit.

My food safety certifications expired back in 2021, so we couldn’t serve food here at AngryJerk.net even if we wanted to. Luckily for you though, we can still serve great writing and fun articles.

I know what you’re thinking. “The world is already angry enough, why would I want to read some angry jerk’s website?” Despite our domain name being “Angry Jerk”, we’re not all anger all the time. We’ve got something here for everyone.

Need advice? Señor Juan has you covered.

Want a history lesson? We’ve got a history teacher on staff.

Looking for hard-hitting journalism? Check out the AJnet Newsroom with our correspondent Troy Jackson.

Anime reviews? Yup, we’ve got those too.

I mean, we even have transcripts of interviews with an alien. What else do you want from us?

You still want more? We’ve also got an unhinged conspiracy theorist, a child writer, and a drunken idiot.

You know what we don’t have? Attempted murder. The only killing going on here is our staff absolutely killing the writing game. And Frosty killing beers, I guess.

I promise you’ll have a good time reading AJnet Magazine. And if you don’t? Then you’re a fucking weirdo. But at least you won’t get stabbed in our bathrooms.

It’s amazing, Google won’t associate my site with “angry jerk”, but they’ll prominently rank a place where someone has been stabbed in the bathroom. What the hell kind of shit is that? Looks to me like Google doesn’t care about the safety of their users.

My buddy Lanzar over at Yozuki Drive suggested that I take a drive down to Silver Spring and eat at The Angry Jerk so I can give it an honest review. This is actually something I’ve wanted to do for a while. But after reading that someone was stabbed in their bathroom, I don’t feel very safe doing it. I’m not driving two and a half hours just to get stabbed while washing my hands after taking a shit. I live in Philly, I can get stabbed anytime I want without driving 150 miles.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t eat at The Angry Jerk. I’ve never had their food, and nothing I’ve read suggests that the restaurant, its owners, or its employees caused, facilitated, or were otherwise responsible for the attack. All I’m saying is, if you’re going to eat at The Angry Jerk in Silver Spring, you might want to wear chainmail when you go. Especially if you think you might have to take a shit while you’re there.

So to reiterate, if you want to read awesome articles in a safe environment that’s free of stabbings and other violent crime, check out AngryJerk.net. If you want to eat Caribbean food at a place where someone was stabbed in the bathroom, check out The Angry Jerk restaurant in Silver Spring, MD.

Alright, but seriously. Jamir in Legal has advised me to clarify that 1) we aren’t claiming that The Angry Jerk is responsible for the stabbing, and 2) stabbing people isn’t cool. AJnet has operatives everywhere, but this guy isn’t one of them. He’s an asshole, fuck him. We hope the police catch this scumbag, and I hope he gets booty-blasted in prison. The man who stabbed someone in the bathroom of The Angry Jerk in Silver Spring, MD is not associated with us in any way, and we do not condone his actions.

Even though we have absolutely no problem commenting on them for the sake of entertainment.

Angry_Jerk

Adam “The Angry Jerk” Baker is the CEO of The AJnet Organization and Editor-in-Chief of AJnet Magazine. A grizzled internet veteran of over 20 years, he writes about politics, culture, and whatever else manages to annoy him that day.

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