DEAR JUAN: How do I stop worrying about the world?

Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan!

Many person see Juan smile. You look at Juan picture you see Juan smile muy contento. Alcholólico loco Frosty say “ey Juan why you so happy amigo?”. Juan tell Frosty is because Señor Dios create beautiful world with many beautiful thing and there is no reason no be happy. Frosty say yes Juan but what about many bad thing too. Juan say yes Señor Dios create bad thing too but that is to make good thing. You have good thing you must have bad thing too is life. Frosty say yes Chinese friend Peter say is called yin and yang dark and light. Frosty also say many racist joke about Peter but AJ tell Juan no repeat here. Juan say Señor Dios create many beautiful thing so be happy. Frosty say yes Señor Dios create beer too make Frosty very happy.

Today Juan answer question from man who no happy worry about many bad thing in world.

Dear Juan,

The world is ending!

Okay not really, but it sure feels like it is. With everything going on in Russia and Ukraine and the Middle East I’m worried that any day now the nukes are going to go off and we’re all going to be sent to hell. Then you have school shootings and car bombs and immigrants setting people on fire and stabbing people. The world’s becoming a scary place. How the hell am I supposed to function with all this crazy shit going on around me?

Garrett

Ey Señor Garrett why you worry so much?

You say “yes Juan I know I worry very much that is why I ask for advice. You no read question?” Juan read question but Juan ask why you worry about many thing no have control over?

Juan turn on news see many scary story about Russia and Ukraine. Vladimir Putin say “I draw red line comrade. If you cross red line I vill launch nuclear missile at America.” America say “Okay I cross red line now” and help Ukraine anyway. Vladimir Putin say “Da you cross red line comrade now I vill respond” but no use nuclear weapon. Then Vladimir Putin say “I draw red line again comrade. If you cross red line again I vill launch nuclear missile.” America say “Okay I cross red line again and Señor Europe cross too”. Vladimir Putin say “Da you cross red line again comrade now I vill respond again” but still no launch nuclear missile. Juan see Vladimir Putin draw many red line make many threat but no launch nuclear missile. Juan ask AJ and AJ say yes is because Vladimir Putin is not stupid idiot. AJ say Vladimir Putin no launch nuclear missile because Russian no spend money keep missile work. Instead Russian steal money because they are greedy. Vladimir Putin know this because he steal money too. AJ tell Juan Russia nuclear missile no work any more. AJ also tell Juan Russia use nuclear missile at America then America use many nuclear missile destroy Russia. Juan say yes you are right AJ Russia no use nuclear weapon use nuclear weapon destroy own country.

You say you are afraid of school shooting and immigrant set person on fire stab person too. Juan look at news see many story about school shooting and stab person but Juan never see school shooting stab person in America. Juan see man stab in Ciudad Juárez but that is Mexico no America. Juan say news show many scary story about many bad thing happen because news make mucho dinero show bad thing. Juan ask Mi Hermana Josefina and Mi Hermana Josefina tell Juan yes gringo news say it bleed it lead.

News say many thing happen muy malo but news no show story about man feed homeless. News no show story help abuelita carry heavy grocery to car. Juan go to store Wawa see many bad person on street but Juan see many good person too Juan see man hold door Juan see buy homeless man bottle water and food too. Juan see many good person pequeño acto de bondad.

Señor Garrett yes many bad thing happen in world every day but many good thing happen too. You worry about many bad thing but Señor Garrett why you worry you no control many bad thing. Maybe Russian use nuclear missile tomorrow maybe no. You no stop nuclear missile no call Vladimir Putin say “Hola Señor Putin is Garrett no launch nuclear missile por favor”. You no see future you no Señora Cleo no know if bad thing happen. Maybe good thing happen instead amigo maybe you go outside find wallet on ground with mucho dinero. Maybe you meet senorita muy hermosa say “ey Señor Garrett tu es muy guapo come back to my place papi I buy new bed and now you help break it in”. Maybe bad thing happen but maybe good thing happen too.

No live in fear live in fear is no live life. You are man Señor Garrett you no live in fear. News say many bad thing happen all of the time you must tell news “ey news why you lie cabrón you think I am stupid idiot” then no watch news. Maybe world end tomorrow maybe no but Juan think no so you must live life and when it is time to die then you die. You no know when so no worry have fun instead.

Best of luck to you amigo.

Do you have a question and need Juan’s advice? Leave a comment below or send Juan an email at [email protected] and your question may be answered in a future article!

Señor Juan

Señor Juan is AJnet Magazine’s resident advice columnist and a staff member since 2008. His advice is blunt and straightforward, usually preceded by a long, crazy story that may or may not be relevant. Despite this, his success rate is higher than it should be.

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