DEAR JUAN: My husband won’t stop buying survival gear!

Hola amigos, it is your pal Señor Juan with more advice!

Yesterday Frosty call Juan 2 AM say “Juan civilization collapse very soon that is why you must come help me move many bean can into basement por favor.” Juan say “What in the hell Frosty why you buy many can of bean” and Frosty tell Juan is because when society collapse everybody want bean. Juan go to Frosty apartment and see wall full of bean can and water bottle Frosty also buy flamethrower from internet. Juan ask why Frosty need flamethrower and Frosty say “Juan you no understand? I need flamethrower for mutant raccoon after apocalypse amigo.” Juan tell Frosty is no mutant raccoon but Frosty point light at raccoon outside dumpster say “what you mean Juan look his eyes are glowing he is already evolving!”

AJ come over next morning see Frosty basement full of survival gear. AJ say “Frosty why you have night vision goggle and tactical shovel?” Frosty say “When government collapse I become warlord!” AJ tell Frosty “You drink too much get stuck in lawn chair last week you no warlord you are stupid drunk idiot” Frosty get angry and say AJ no understand survival. Frosty say he call crazy gringo Alex Jonestown instead then eat ten year old military ration make mucha caca in toilet.

Today Juan answer question from woman with husband who also become crazy survival man like Frosty.

Dear Juan,

My husband has become obsessed with “prepping” for the end of the world. It started with a few extra canned foods and bottled water in the basement, which I thought was smart. But now it’s getting insane.

He’s spent THOUSANDS of dollars on survival gear. We have gas masks, solar generators, military rations, axes, water purification tablets, tactical backpacks, toilet paper, and enough guns to arm a small country. He buried something in the backyard last week and refuses to tell me what it is. I don’t think I really want to know.

The final straw came yesterday when he told our 8 year old son that he needs to “prepare for the collapse of society” and started teaching him how to shoot a crossbow in the garage.

I tried talking to him but he says I’m “brainwashed by mainstream society.” What do I do?

Melissa R.

Holy shit Señora Melissa your husband es muy loco.

Juan say yes is good to prepare Uncle Paco keep emergency money hidden in coffee can because Uncle Paco grow up in Mexico no trust government and bank. Juan keep flashlight and bottled water for power go out and Señor Peco no fix.

You say husband bury in backyard teach son shoot crossbow in garage? Your husband no prepare for emergency he roleplay crazy gringo video game Fallout.

Long time ago in Ciudad Juárez mi amigo Javier become very obsess with zombie apocalypse. Javier watch many gringo zombie movie tell everyone “when zombie come I survive because I am warrior.” Javier spend all money on machete and leather jacket in middle of summer. Big Hernando say “Why you wear leather jacket pendejo is 110 degree?” Javier say “zombie no bite through leather” and Big Hernando say “Yes but heat stroke kill you first stupid idiot.”

One day Javier say zombie outbreak begin soon because dog outside have foam in mouth. Juan see dog eat soap but Javier no listen hide in shed with can food and baseball bat. Javier tell Juan “When zombie come you beg me for help but I no let you in unless you bring food.”

Javier come out three day later cry because he eat cold bean and no wipe el culo for 72 hour. Javier smell like dead donkey even Dirty Pablo see Javier say “¡Dios mío! Tu es muy apestoso!” Mi Hermana Josefina spray Javier with hose in yard and everybody laugh call Javier Señor Apestoso. Dirty Pablo poke Javier with stick and say “Look zombie already here.”

You read you say “yes Juan but what that have to do with mi esposo?” Juan learn something important from Javier. Javier not afraid of zombie, Javier afraid of world change and no have control. Many person like this, Señora Melissa. World is scary sometimes many people lose job Juan turn on news see talk about war and economy and bad thing every day. Person deal with fear control everything around them. Tu esposo buy gas mask and gun because it make him feel safe.

But Señora Melissa there is difference between be prepared and acting like redneck.

You must talk to husband very serious. Juan say no laugh call him crazy because he no listen. You must tell husband “Mi amor, emergency supply is fine but you scare me and son no train son like crazy gringo movie Mad Max he is 8 year old stupid idiot. Son play soccer and video game instead no defend bean bunker from looter.”

You also look at money too. Husband spend mucho dinero is very serious problem. No lose house because husband buy mucho gun and can of food. Juan say how you defend casa if you are homeless?

Juan also say husband spend too much time on internet. One time Miguel watch conspiracy video by Alex Jonestown say microwave read thought. Miguel say yes he is right and wear bowl on head say he is Magneto from X-Men movie. Boricua Luis tell Miguel take off bowl hat or go home. Tell husband take break from crazy internet video go outside grill burger and kick futbol with son. Maybe world end one day but Juan no think it end next Tuesday.

But if husband bury body in backyard instead of survival supply then no email Juan call policía instead.

Best of luck to you amiga.

Need help surviving a problem? Send it to [email protected] and Juan may answer it in a future column.

Señor Juan

Señor Juan is AJnet Magazine’s resident advice columnist and a staff member since 2008. His advice is blunt and straightforward, usually preceded by a long, crazy story that may or may not be relevant. Despite this, his success rate is higher than it should be.

See author's posts